I am not super enlightened, I freely admit this. I lived in a world cloaked in clue-less-ness for years, until I interviewed someone who meditated. And I wanted in. I went to a class, I engaged in things that modified my brain (I am sure of this, because when I was learning to meditate, a person was pushing a shopping cart down the street. To this day, before I drop into deep meditation, I hear those wheels squeaking on pavement.) I practiced. And practiced. I sobbed tears for past boyfriends ... believed that I was releasing my cellular memory of pain I had clung on to with sheer abandon.
I felt my lips tingle and feel huge; I felt my forehead expand. I saw visions and the world exploding and then there was peace. I truly arrived.
For a little while.
The problem with any of it -- all of it -- is that you can't be lax. Even for a little while. Well, maybe for a short while. But then you are screwed.
I climbed upon a space ship and traveled within my body ... I didn't get any further than my throat. We landed there and there was plenty of material to deal with. If I was smart, I'd climb on that space ship over and over and over until we could get to my toes.
But life doesn't really work that way. Or does it?
I don't know. I think it does for some. I guess I would call them selfish. At least if they have children and spouses and big houses that need cleaning.
Blech.
Blech mostly for the house that needs cleaning.
My son just read what he could see on the screen and he said that I was weird. You know, for the most part, I am proud of being weird. I told him that too, as he trotted out screaming "my mom wants to ride a space ship to her toes."
Here's the thing. When you are surrounded by people that don't get it, it makes it harder to obtain.
I have lost my train of thought.
The diamond in my ring sparkles.
I have enough self-help books to build a bunker.
I am who I am and most of the time that is fine. It's just when it's not that it pisses me off. Because it means I have lost my way. Despite all the trying not to.
I have walked upon a trail with a shaman, I have felt the wind summoned by my own power. I have manifested things with the power of thought. I am.
I am.
I Am
I AM.
Who I am. Unless I forget.
The whole thing sucks.
Such a chore.
Constant. Constant. Constant.
And then again. Repeat. Rinse and Repeat. Who does that?
Exactly.
We all just wash our hair once, then put in the conditioner. Which I guess puts our hair into a state of numbness.
If only we followed directions: Wash and repeat.
Never condition.
Never one to follow the rules.
Conditioning makes your hair soft.
Yeah.
6 comments:
I hear you...and isn't that all just a part of the process as well? the "selfish" comment is an interesting one coming from you...not sure I make that connection! Remember sitting in the hotel room reading that damned self-help book to each other?? We are all searching my dear...the question is how often do we allow ourselves to fall back asleep??
When someone is in the throes of "finding" themselves, until you get it, it is a selfish pursuit. How can it not be? It is a pulling away from being the nurturer and constant care-giver (because in the end, this is NOT the answer to anything.)
So that is why it takes one to be a certain age before they can even begin the process. Or ignore their children, etc.! Which some do. I am not saying that you can't climb on a plane and go to Europe for three weeks. I mean general, low-grade, interminable ignoring!
What's that old saying .... you CAN have it all .. just not all at once.
I agree that sometimes we have too much going on at home (kids, house, etc) to give ourselves the attention we need.
And I also believe that you have to be a certain age and seasoned enough (both chronologically and with regard to experiences) to even THINK about finding yourself. I had friends who went off to 'find themselves' after high school and after college and almost EVERY single one of them is a mess .... and still haven't found anything at all. no family, no kids, no ties and just generally floating along with no satisfaction to speak of. Sure, some of these folks don't want that stuff .. but most SAY they dont' want it but you find out later that they really do, or did.
I think you (and I) are doing it the right way, if there is such a thing.
Oh, and we have a pet caspian pond turtle named .... zen. When he escapes ... we actually have been known to say to each other ... 'we found zen'.
Thought you'd like that.
Ahhh, that is a good idea. I think I'll name my wine bottles that. :)
HAhahaha.
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