To disappoint or not to disappoint, that is the question

I think one of the hardest things for me to do is watch people make the same mistakes over and over.

So many people get caught up in their dramas -- and they repeat the same things that make them miserable time and again -- because those dramas are safe.

One thing I have noticed with being raw is that I don't hold on to anger long -- I have so much more clarity as to what makes people tick, that instead of personalizing it, I compartmentalize all the aspects of it -- then look at each one separately and see how they form the whole. (The whole drama that is!)

I think more than angry though, it just makes me very sad. And it is my own problem that I believe that people can change -- or want to change enough to institute that change.

So I have to learn how to not let other people's actions affect me! Which is one tall order, because life is made up of relationships and imperfections and personalities and situations.

The key is to just let it go. See things as they are and then move on.

Yesterday Charlie was in rare form. That translates into he was being the biggest jerk on the planet. Rude, obnoxious, nasty ... he felt toxic. I wanted nothing to do with him -- and of course he knew that, so he started pushing buttons. In most cases he hits dead buttons -- I have long since figured him out, but there are times when I'm not prepared. And that would be after a long stretch of him being nothing but sweet, helpful and easy to get along with. I can't remember the last time he was the biggest jerk on the planet -- so -- I guess a part of me had forgotten that he can indeed be just that.

I didn't engage when he started mouthing off. I ignored him when he said he wasn't going to go shopping with me (a pre-planned event that he was trying to get out of at the last minute) but when I was driving out of the driveway and he came running after me, and then acted like he was going to slam the car window and then swore at me, I felt like killing him.

A deep primal urge to smash his head against the pavement, or even better, drive over him.

It's not like I had to keep myself from doing either of those things. I wasn't shaking with anger or had my foot poised over the gas pedal. But it's just so sad that I even have such thoughts. That he can evoke such anger out of me.

But why am I surprised? He's done it a million times before.

Because I am always (stupidly it seems) hopeful that the change he has exhibited for months and months has taken permanent hold and that he is no longer capable of being such a ... a... creep.

People will always disappoint you. You just have to figure out how to handle it in such a way that their actions remain just that ... THEIRS! Or even better, not to have it touch you so that you have to use words like disappoint.

For example. If I had just taken a few minutes when Charlie started acting "off," to examine the situation, I probably could have avoided it altogether. First, he was probably feeling a little overwhelmed at the thought of preparing Thanksgiving dinner for everyone. He is, after all, only 13 and that's a big job for anyone. Now obviously I'm not going to abandon him alone in the kitchen, but he doesn't think that way.

Then to top that off, he received some very disappointing news that if again, I had taken the time, I would have realized I should have explained it to him more thoroughly and tried to make him feel better about things. I forget sometimes that things affect him deeply.

But after careful thought I have concluded that I too, am only human and obviously must participate in some dramas of my own.   And the truth is, that people do TRY, and Charlie is a good example of someone who is definitely improving with age.

Hopefully I will to :)