Queen. Mother. Freedom...

We were having dinner last night and some how my blog came up and Maddie commented that there were times that I was "out of line."

I asked her to clarify and she said, "well, for example, you just did one on the swine flu and you are lucky that the government doesn't go after you or something."

Why is that, I wonder.  Do they instill that fear somewhere along the line to our children, that if you express your opinion you can get in trouble for it?  

Is it true?  What about the fact that I was right?  This swine flu is really winding down as a big ole crash and burn pandemic -- though just in case you feel safe enough to sleep at night, they do remind you that it could mutate into something even WORSE.  (And as long as you keep it in context, even worse than no big deal comes out to a little bit bigger no big deal.)

But why is my daughter saying the government is going to come after me?  Has she not been following the news (well, filtering it I should say, since you can't take it at first-glance), because if she was she would realize that Obama has not been interested in turning this into a REALLY BIG DEAL either.  He's done as little as he can in regards to commenting on it, because everything does need to be addressed, but he has taken a wait and see attitude since the beginning.

What are the consequences of expressing your opinions (popular or otherwise) on a public forum?  I read some blogs where the commentary is just downright mouth-dropping off the charts, I mean, mine is G-Rated times ten compared to some of them, so it interests me that my own daughter thinks that my opinion, which is always strong and as far as I'm concerned, fairly well-informed, could pose a danger to me.  

Well, could it?

There was the incident of the school reading my blog and indicating that my words could be used against me in regards to harming my child, and there are times that I wish that I had let that blow up into a big ole mess, because I feel VERY strongly that I have every right to express my opinion in any forum that I wish.

But there is one thing I've learned over the course of keeping "principals" alive and "rights" in line, is that for the most part, the majority of people would rather just do nothing, so you're pretty much always going to be on your own, and how much of your life do you want to devote to issues that are mired in negativity?  I think that at this point in my life I have definitely concluded that "fighting" anything isn't the way to approach any possible solution.  But the fine line is that the fire inside is stoked by brash violations of our rights -- big or small -- and it is the anger and the sense of injustice that flames the cause.

So at what point can you take a fire you need to burn big and scary and turn it into something safe and warm?

I have no answers for this; it is something that I have lived with my entire life.  From the days of being a child and being told by my parents that "you can't change anything," to the realization as an adult that if I had JUST played the game, things would have been a lot easier.  (And then I instantly get sick at the thought that if I had become complacent and just stood in line naked on my march to the gas chamber: I'd just be dead.)

So I am constantly at odds with myself, one moment I am ready to jump upon my steed and rush into the center of battle and yet (when I turn around and realize that the mass crowd that started with me has now retreated) there is a part of me that is always wondering what other means there is to an end.  It's hard.

It's like I was designed to be the leader of a cause, and deep-rooted in my DNA are all these signals and deep-rooted motivations to make true change, and yet ... there really isn't any one big cause great enough worth unleashing it for.  It's like I am a souped-up race car stuck in a small track at an amusement park -- I could jump the car off the track, it's not that restrictive, but then what?

So I occasionally rev the engine and look around, and realize that despite the fact that I am equipped with all this power, there really is nowhere to go.

It's MADDENING I tell ya!

When I was in Sedona, I did this thing called journey work, and while in a deep, almost hypnotic state, I was asked to describe myself in one word.  She asked me three times, and these are the words that I said:

Queen

Mother

Freedom

So, if those are the things that I am, what does that mean?

It means something, and I guess it is my job to figure that out.

So Maddie, I apologize for concerning you via my words, but as you can see, I originate from three very strong words -- all of which mean big, big things.

A Queen is a leader, a mother is all-knowing and freedom is something not one of us should take lightly.

I know I don't.