SUCKER!!!!!!!!!

Yep, that's me.  I knew it the moment I hung up the phone this morning that I was going to have a new vacuum cleaner.  I was shang hied I tell ya!  I didn't even see it coming.

It was early and I had just sat down before the computer and was scrambling to get some thoughts down that I'd been meditating on just prior, when the phone rang.  I answered and I knew immediately that it wasn't someone I knew, but she was verrrrrrry friendly.  She said that Liz Paws (name changed to protect the innocent) had given them my name so that I could receive a free shampoo for my carpet.  I did know Liz, right?  I was thinking, what?  A free shampoo for my carpet?  Do I want that?  I asked what the company was again, and she said L & R something or other, I said "oh, I've never heard of that before," oh well, she explains, we don't advertise, it is all word-of-mouth and that is why we provide free shampooing, as well as upholstery cleaning because 

then if you like it you will refer your friends, just as your friend has done. Well then fine, come shampoo my carpet if it's so important to you, I thought.  I mean, Liz had it done after all, and must have thought they did a good job, or she was thinking of my best interests and knows I have a herd of dogs and therefore more than likely a dirty carpet.  I gave the woman directions and she said the shampooer would be there at 12:30.  

It was her final chilling words that made me realize my plight had been plotted ... "our representative from Kirby Vacuum of Concord will be there ..." is what she said.  She did not say SHAMPOOER, and then she said have a nice day.  Reeled in, caught and thrown into the bucket.  And there I was, gasping for air.

NO!  I said to myself, I am strong and I will not buy a new vacuum.  Not like the first time, some 18 or so years ago when the guy knocked on my door and asked if he could shampoo my carpet and I said fine, but there is NO WAY I am buying a vacuum because I want a new computer.  And he said no problem, what the hell, right?  You'll have clean carpets and I'll have something to write down on my sheet for the day.

I was totally safe that time, completely and totally protected by the knowledge I didn't have a grand laying around AND ... more importantly, I already had a WANT, and it was a computer, not a stupid sucking machine for dirt.

But then Peter came home and his eyes grew wide and he said "My mother has

 a Kirby vacuum cleaner" and the dormant sales gene in the laidback guy who was shampooing my carpet for fun pounced on him like a lion to meat.  Yeah, we bought that Kirby.  Oh yeah. Peter even fell for the dust mite thing -- where they say that Kirby has the ONLY vacuum cleaner that can suck out the dust mites from your mattress, therefore changing your life miraculously in ever so many ways.

And we've been happy with it, it's a good vacuum cleaner.  But it is old and it acts old.  Let's just say, I was afraid ... verrrrrry afraid.

And the other voice in my head, the consumer voice, the voice that leads me astray ...  preyed on my misgivings and screamed, your vacuum is old and decrepit and Peter has all but destroyed it turning it into a construction tool ... it is cracked and it doesn't suck like it used to and when you vacuum up dog hair you have to keep taking off the bottom and cleaning it off with the hose, over and over and over.

SHUT UP!  I cried to that other voice, I don't want to spend thousands of dollars on a new vacuum.  I would rather take a trip.  Yes!  A nice trip to a warm venue, or even out West, but I do NOT want to buy something that gives me no enjoyment whatsoever.

Thinking I was safe, I continued on with my day and while showering I thought to myself, "don't be ridiculous, the LAST thing you need is a new vacuum cleaner!"  And I worked up my little protective armor of approach -- why would I need a new Kirby vacuum cleaner ... when I bought my first one I was told that the reason it cost so much was because it would last me a lifetime, and breaking out that cost over a lifetime, it was mere pennies.  Pennies!

And then he drove in.  The "shampooer."  He got out of his car wearing a three-piece suit -- he was dressed better than the blokes on Wall Street, let me tell you -- and my stomach sank and I thought, if he wears a suit like that, chances are he is GOOD at his job -- which by now we all know has abso-fricking-lutely nothing to do with shampooing.

I was reluctant to let him in.  I thought about leaving by a back door and not answering the door.  I swear, I did!  And he was a nice guy and I said, I really don't want to buy a vacuum cleaner, and he smiled that smile, because of course he hears that every time someone lets him in, and yet, he has a bright and shiny new model and he's looking around my house and thinking, S U C K E R.

I even scrubbed it off my forehead while in the shower.  Guess it still glowed.

So off we go with the pretending that all he is there to do is shampoo.  He is using Ms. Paw as much as he can, noting at once that we have the same type of carpet, in fact, quite similar feel to the houses.  Were we related?  No, in fact, she is no friend of mine, no friend of mine sics well-dressed salesmen to the home of a woman with an old vacuum cleaner.  It is not right.  (And just so you know Ms. Paws -- I did NOT give up one friend or family member -- not a one!  You are all safe!)

He sets up the new Kirby, it has a new name, whatever, and yes, it is bright and shiny and I point out that it hasn't really changed in appearance that much -- and he responds that when you get it right, you don't mess around with it.   But the things that are not good about mine of course have all been rectified, and I try to point out that plastic parts break, but no, it's not plastic it's some super material that they use in football helmets and Nascar cars.  Well fine.  And the engine has been re-tooled by NASA (though quite frankly, if they had spent less time working on vacuum cleaners and more on O-joints perhaps their works of art wouldn't come crashing down from the sky.)  I did mention this, but he looked at me funny.  I mean, come on, he said, it's NASA.  Yes, I heard you, I hope I imparted that I am not all that impressed.

Then he does the part of his demonstration where he sucks all the big, bad dirt out of your floor to show you a) that you suck as a housecleaner and b) that you really need a new vacuum, since obviously you just vacuumed (they actually request that you do so! oh, they are good).  

AHA!  I said.  I have a KIRBY!  And clearly the model they were using as a demo way back when was waaaay more powerful than the one I ended up with, because supposedly all that dirt was supposed to be taken care of.  By MY Kirby.

Oh, but things have changed (not really, like snake oil hasn't) he says, and with all that technology that they paid NASA for (to the tune of $85 million, which seems insane and not a good business practice in my opinion) the latest and greatest model sucks up even more dirt than ever before.

And quite frankly, as he laid out the piles of sand, actual sand he was pulling out of the carpet, I thought, I haven't a prayer.  Clearly my existing Kirby is THROWING sand into the fibers of the carpet to taunt me.  TAUNT ME!

Now, the one thing I actually enjoyed about my Kirby was the shampoo function.  It is really quite simple and leaves you with a clean carpet.  But my old one stopped working properly, leaked like a sieve and after the last belt broke I kind of gave up on it.  And here was a new one, a better designed one (thank you NASA!) and well, wasn't the old Kirby just .... old? 

He might not have had me at "hello," but God help me, he had me.  Then he started with the dust mites, and I said to him, STOP RIGHT THERE.  It didn't sell me the first time and quite frankly, I've owned a Kirby for going on 20 years and not once in all that time have I vacuumed my mattress.

He frowned a little, didn't like that one of his grossest selling points was being attacked ... and he tried again.  But dust mites are bad.  

I know they are, I agreed, but we like our dust mites.  We've been sleeping with them for a long time and we've come to an agreement -- I won't kill them if they don't kill me.

He truly did not know what to do with this!   

Well long story long, he finally asked, was I interested?  I said I supposed, but I didn't really want to spend a fortune on a new vacuum, how much was it?  How much did I think? He queried.  I don't know, I shrugged, I don't know what the inflation is on a vacuum cleaner, I can't even begin to guess.  It was a grand almost 20 years ago, now is it what, two grand, less?  I don't know.  I do know I won't spend two grand on a vacuum cleaner though, I do know that!!!

So supposedly it is $1,750, but blah blah blah and this special and today only and oh ... did you speak to your friend Liz?  I said why yes!  I did (even though I had not) and I said I would expect the same deal as she got.  Oh, and also, included in my price was a trade-in of my old one, which was worth $100 -- and then he put down the price of Liz's -- and I said, well she didn't trade in an old Kirby, and he said no, true, and I said good, I'm keeping my old one!  

Don't I drive a tough bargain!!!! Well, the good news is that I spent less on my new Kirby than I did on my old one 17-18 years ago.  The bad news is that I spent anything at all, but oh well.  It's something for something, it is a nice vacuum -- and it drives itself with its NASA-engineered parts.  I'm just not taking it into space is all.