I just don't know

Most of the time I seem to know the right answer.  And if I don't, I feel quite confident that I am doing things the way they should be done ... no sweat.

But I am in unfamiliar territory right now and I have no compass.  There is nothing wrong with winging it when it's just yourself (like the gallbladder saga).  But when it is your child, it's just so ... different.

Maddie hurt her knee in France over Thanksgiving.   The MRI and the doctor say she has a torn ACL.  How torn, we don't really know.  Apparently there are degrees, and if say she had a level 3 tear she wouldn't be able to walk.  So, we have to presume that's not the degree.  But no matter how many times we've asked, we can't seem to find out what degree it is.  Maybe it's all just a guessing game.

After asking us which day we could schedule surgery, I asked the doctor what was the likelihood of her skiing THIS year.  Sans surgery.  He said, somewhat under duress, that she had a 60 percent chance of skiing at her level without surgery.

I've never been diagnosed with cancer, but if someone told me I had a 60 percent chance of surviving it, that to me is the same thing as saying I've been cured.  I can't help it, I am an optimist.

So with that information in hand, the fact that Maddie didn't seem to be in any pain at all and wanted to keep skiing, we decided that she would do physical therapy and get a brace and try skiing.

So all that sounds good in theory, I agree.  But now we're getting into the nitty gritty.  She has been doing PT ... she has her brace ... and she has tried skiing the past three days.  The first days were at Blackwater and were tentative stabs at best.  Today we were at Sunapee and by afternoon the corn snow was thick and tough on muscles.  Maddie would ski, with great, deep carving turns.  Then stop.

Was she hurt?

Was this it?

Were we pushing her?

Was this nuts?

Do sane parents let their children ski with a torn ACL?

WHAT DO THE DIRECTIONS SAY?

Damn, the parental directory has no chapter on this.  (Or anything else, mind you, but one is always hopeful).

What is the worst-case scenario?  She blows out her knee (again) and needs surgery.  Well, supposedly we were at this stage months ago.  So no loss there.  I just don't know.  No one does, not really.  The surgeon says operate (surprise surprise) the physical therapist says no way can she ski (I am thinking that if she said anything else she'd be concerned about being sued) and the general population opinion is all over the map.

One woman, whose father is an orthopedic surgeon, told her, when she tore her ACL and meniscus NOT to have surgery.  She did not and skis -- but certainly not at the level that Maddie is accustomed.

Many people say "good for her," when they hear she is skiing.  Like -- is she sucking it up?  I don't know.  Good for her?  It's not a competition -- she who has the most screwed up knee skis until they explode.

The people who have had torn ACL's and total reconstructive knee surgery are everywhere.  Don't start a conversation with a commentary that surgery is not the way to go, because you will only find out minutes later that they have had knee surgery.  It's kind of freaky.  

Umm, what happened to knees?  What are we doing to our knees?  There is no end to the story of knee surgery, knee replacement, knee this and knee that.

Hey.  I only have one question.  Can you ski with a bum knee?

I guess we'll find out.  Maddie is going to train with her team next week and attempt the race on Sunday.

Just so you know.  I am not pushing her.  I am a total spectator in this.  I know how stubborn I am and maybe she is just kidding herself.  I know that I did that for four years, believing without a shadow of a doubt that I could save my gallbladder.  Maybe she is just like me and believes.  But can someone shun that?  Certainly not I.  If she believes, maybe she can take herself places that no one has ever gone before.  Do I believe that can happen?

Yes.  I do.

In the real world they call them miracles.

In mine, we call them intentions.

Regardless of the outcome, Maddie will learn from this.  Whatever that lesson will be, it's hard to say.  But she has maintained a healthy optimism from the start -- maybe we are all fooling ourselves in believing that she can pull this off.  But I don't know.  I mean, I really don't know.  But there is a part of me that knows that we can do anything we want.  Anything.  

And I've tried so hard to teach my children that.  And when they decide to put that faith into practice, I guess the only thing I can do is stand back and watch.

And no one has to know that I have my fingers and my toes crossed.  You know, just in case!