It being what we all seek. Glimpse being a total concentration of this feeling of knowing that leaves behind a veil of peace and serenity.
It is such a tangled confusion of thoughts, which at the same time I believe I am not supposed to take seriously. That the only real "knowing" does not come from thought at all. But feeling.
My bibles are two books, one is Somebody Should Have Told Us, by Jack Pransky, and A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose, by Eckhart Toll.
I began A New Earth a few years ago. I read it, I highlighted passages. I read it again. I highlighted more passages. I was totally reading it with my ego-centric brain. I read Somebody Should Have Told Us, a little less than a year ago. It resonated with me, and yet, it didn't penetrate. Both books have been on my bedside table for the last year. I have picked up Somebody Should Have Told Us countless times. I have read it so much that as soon as I start reading, I know exactly what the chapter is about, in parts verbatim. A New Earth has just sat there, looking like a porcupine with all the little post-it tabs sticking out.
Now I only have to assume that this began with the fast (though it is presumptuous to even call it a fast. I consumed massive quantities of green juice and some salads and soup) which definitely brought me to a different plane. What that plane is exactly, I don't dare to guess, but it is a good place and clearly my mind was open. I picked up Somebody Should Have Told Us and totally gobbled it down. Despite the fact that I knew it by heart, it was like reading a new book. Because I GOT IT! I didn't get it intellectually, I GOT IT!
I let that feeling whirl about me for a bit, and then I picked up A New Earth. And I realized I was reading the same book, just by a different author with a different approach to describing the same thing. THAT THING THAT I GOT! And then ... everything changed. Everything.
When my husband started to drive me nuts, I said to myself, this is just your thought, this is your perception, and he really isn't trying to drive you nuts, he just wants to connect with you. True, he doesn't spend hours upon hours seeking "the truth," which can be exasperating (and when I just wrote that I laughed, because it sounds so corny and cultish) but anyway ... once I stopped viewing it all as his vicious intent to drive me crazy, it all evaporated. And I feel so thankful that he is doing this bathroom project so NEATLY. He started the demo yesterday, and while I had been dreading the entire process with every fiber of my being prior to my "awakening," (I love the words, they are, like I said, incredibly corny) yesterday it was just, so, so nothing. I did leave for the afternoon, and when I returned the bathroom was spick and span. (He claims that all of his projects are left like this, but seriously, my perspective wasn't THAT SKEWED in the past!)
Anyway ... it has been a crazy couple of days, but of course, I have questions. LOADS AND LOADS of questions and theories and wonders. And then I think, but is that wrong? Because those are all based in thought and well ... where I guess the fine line of insanity can be breached. Because you could drive yourself crazy trying to interpret it all. But you're NOT SUPPOSED TO. Oh, it's so crazy, and yet, I know I sound crazy.
Yes, I am the Prophet Lisa, and I have been brought to you to guide you towards your destiny. I tell you this much, I get THAT whole thing now. (people following leaders and cults) I was watching a video of Eckhart Tolle, and he was speaking so S L O W L Y that I was actually squirming in my seat awaiting the next damn word. And I thought, I don't want him to be my leader. It was a thought, true, but I have years upon years of conditioning (of my own doing of course) that points to all authority figures as B A D. Really bad. So I would like to ask someone, hey, am I WRONG to have that thought, is that thought wrong, or is the thought not real? And then I think, well, all thoughts aren't real. Can you see how exasperating it is? So if you can't think about it, and you get it by knowing (which I do get) then how do you live with your damn mind all the time?
I don't have any compelling desire to try to "teach" anyone or amass a throng of followers. (which I think often happens to people because they feel compelled to spread the gospel, so to speak.) I want to write about it because I want to see what I say when I write about it. I believe it is a total no-no to crow about "knowing," because that is a clear indication of your ego at work. Except that my ego isn't the entity that gets to have that feeling. That amazing, wondrous feeling that doesn't seem to leave me. That greets me upon awakening in the morning (ha, slid that one in!) and fills me with excitement at the thought of a whole day ahead of me to see if it is really true. If it is really true that I can live in the moment and feel like it's the most amazing moment ever.
Yesterday I went to see the movie Lovely Bones with a friend. We discussed the two books above on the way there, and then we had lunch at a vegan restaurant and were both absolutely consumed with the wonders of our sandwiches. We were both moaning after each bite, the flavors were just to die for. She mentioned that she didn't want popcorn, and I responded GOOD GOD NO, we will not fill our temples with such empty trash! And I thought (which is a nasty, nasty habit) of how cool it was to be so in tune with our food and again, not to want to dull our senses with "bad" food as such a conscious choice.)
But the movie was disturbing. It is about a man who kills a teenage girl and how that affects her family and him. The man in the movie, of course, was creepy. But we were alone in this theatre with the exception of one man, who was sitting a few rows in front of us. Because of the subject content of the film, when it was over we sort of sat there digesting it. And the man walked by and then turned and gave us this really weird look. Sort of filled us with that heeby jeeby tingling feeling. Too close to home -- a strange man looking to do harm to girls in the movie ...
We went to the bathroom and all these thoughts of being attacked kept running through my mind. I kept saying to myself THESE ARE JUST THOUGHTS, this is just FEAR, you can control your fear and thoughts by getting rid of them. But then I FELT scared, so I asked myself, does that mean it is real?
We went to the car and this rearview mirror was down. I never put it down and couldn't imagine why it was. Was it a sign? Was it a sign from an angel (a deceased person watching over me) telling me to watch my back? Was I truly going crazy and was this the portal to that world? Was I being totally inundated by these thoughts as a sign, as a test? As a way to see that I really had no control over anything whatsoever?
LOL -- seriously. Fortunately I was able to rein it all in and I put up the mirror and commanded myself to get a grip.
It's a slippery slope because there are no books, there are no gods, there are no leaders. There just is. And to get to the point of eradicating all of your belief systems completely must be the journey of a lifetime, and certainly not something that could be accrued in a week's time. Right?
But that is my perception, not necessarily my belief, and therefore, only MY reality.
But what is worth believing in is the way I feel, the sense of peace and calmness and aliveness and hopefulness -- my camelot.
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