I don't think that I am gullible or naive, but I am often ready to take my clothes off and jump into bed with the sweetest talker. (This is a metaphor here!)
Have I always been that way?
I don't know.
Today I have been very full of something ... I have been a walking well of bubbling energy in the form of thoughts and ideas ... these tantalizing pieces of crazy yet solid notions that are floating before my eyes and I just stare at them ... dazzled.
I could reach out and touch them, but I don't want to. I don't want to take anything in hand and examine it further, because the beauty of an idea or thought is that it's not any more real than you want it to be. And then, if I do delve deeper, I get sucked in and ... naked if you will ... and then later I look over at what I was just so passionate about and think ... how do I get out of here without being seen?
And are you wondering what the heck am I talking about?
When I used to interview people, I would feed into their excitement as they told the story of how they built their business and got where they were at that time. I guess I tapped into their energy and let it flow to me, and I became a champion of their vision. It didn't matter whether I was interviewing the CEO of a top software company or a one-person start-up ... to me there was no one story that was better than another ... no person with a more superior idea. I thought they were all worthy of having their story told. I loved all their stories.
I remember one time I came back to the office all stoked up and ready to write after my interview. This was par for the course -- I left nearly every such encounter on a high -- and I had the story forming in my mind, the bits and pieces of our conversation floating about, weaving itself together before my hands hit the keyboard. My brother asked me who I'd interviewed, and I told him that two guys had created this calendar that had a different URL on it for each day -- so that every day this one website would get all these hits.
You have to understand, this was a long time ago, so pre-Google that such a word would have made me roll my eyes much less think that a search engine named so oddly would be popular, or that a search engine NEEDED to be popular. This was before many businesses even had their own websites, this was before anyone really knew what the hell to DO with the Internet.
I thought the calendar idea was great -- partially because I wrote a column that told people where to visit on the Web and why -- and partially because I was jonesing for some new sites -- and this was a motherlode of 365. Wooo hooo!
Well, my brother scoffed at the calendar, said it was stupid, and what was the point of a site getting a bunch of hits on one day? (Well, I hadn't asked that question. I think because the answer was really who cared? We just wanted the Internet to have a purpose at that time, and if we had to make it up as we went along, then so be it!) So as I sat down to write this particular story, I wondered why I HAD gotten so excited? It really was kind of a stupid idea once I really thought about it. And really, the main story of that time was that all the majority of the population could think about was how to MAKE THE BIG BUCKS by creating absolutely nothing of value and selling it and making a ton of money.
And I saw that ... I was on the front lines, and I suppose if I had been a journalist worth my salt I could have really written some incredible pieces. But instead I just got excited with them, as they came up with one stupid (or brilliant!) idea after another. I jumped into bed with them and rolled around in the sack and I gave them one hell of an ... article.
And now, this many years later, I realize, I was too easy. I was a floozy with a laptop.
And I haven't really changed at all. I still buy into people and ideas -- I get excited by them, I get obsessed with them, I jump onto the bandwagon and I blow the loudest horn. I believe, I believe so deeply that it comes out of my pores ... until it makes me so tired I can't think any more.
And I guess that what I am trying to say is that it has to stop. I have to stop being so easy. I can't just buy into something because someone else is excited about it, or because they have me convinced that it's the wave of the future or the end of the world or a conspiracy theory or that the oil is going to dry up and the financial system is going to crash and that we need to stock up in order to survive the end of the world as we know it, or that neither Republican or Democrat candidate will change one damn thing or that ... or that all of that is probably true and there is not a damn thing **I** can do about it anyway so why not just assume the fetal position and let it happen as it will.
It has to stop. I need to find a way to channel my energy and keep it on a steady course and not give it away willy nilly or take on someone else's frantic dose which then scrambles mine all up. I need to find my own way and chart my own course based on not what I read or hear, but on what I know is true. I've read and I've asked and I've listened and I've watched. And now there is only noise -- noise that has been created in order to thwart action.
So I leave this crumpled bed and I will not return with just anyone -- because I am no longer easy.
Just so you know.
But you can leave the cash there on the bedside table ... :P
No comments:
Post a Comment