Back attack and attacking back (with kindness)

Last week while hiking in the woods on a snowy trail, I was slipping down this slope, thinking to myself how in control I was, when the next thing I knew my right leg had sunk into the snow well past my knee and my entire body smashed into the ground.  

I lay there, a bit stunned, and thought to myself, that couldn't have been good.  But I got up, and while my back felt a little tweaked, all seemed fine and that was that.

A few days later my back didn't feel "just right," so I slowed down a little, didn't hike as much, and within days felt like my normal self.

Two days ago in the shower I was humming along, shaving my legs, when all of a sudden I realized I couldn't stand back up.  My back was totally frozen.  I just thought  SHIT.  Then I moved a little and thought OH *()#_$*()#_*$( SHIT.

I remained in place and let the water beat against me and thought to myself that everything would be fine.  When I straightened up completely, pain shot down my right leg.  I winced, pretended that didn't really happen and rinsed the conditioner out of my hair.

Since then, it's been kind of denial versus desire.  I desire to be my regular self, able to do anything, and when I stand up and can't quite straighten at first, I brush it off as being "stiff."  But I haven't hiked since and am afraid to!  What if I freeze up in the woods!  That would be something.

The one place I can't be is in my desk chair.  Which is where I am now and I can feel it.  But I'll suffer through for the cause of the blog -- I just want to make that clear is all -- that I am suffering.

Haha.  While I can pinpoint exactly what happened and when -- a part of me still wonders if the back pain is symbolic of all the things I have been "piling" on myself.  I was just at a softball game and was very aware ... just being in the moment, observing.

First off, everyone there was eating junk food!  And I thought ... you are nuts.  YOU used to eat junk food too -- once upon a time I think you even drank soda (say it isn't so!)  But it is true, I'd go to the corner store before school and buy a package of cigarettes and a Tab.  Because that was what the cool people did, and well, I am sure it is no surprise to you that I was the cooooool-est!  (ha ha again).  Well, no, I was.

Really.

I loved Tab.  I can taste it right now, feel that little tickle it gave me in the back of the throat.  And I can remember the day I came home from the hospital after having Maddie and my mother gave me a Fresca.  Oooooooh.  I then equated Fresca and love for quite some time.  Until of course I realized that Fresca was just poison in a can like the rest of its cohorts.  So sad.

Anyway ... so while everyone was poisoning themselves with soda at the game, I was not judging them, but wondering why I am so psycho!  I mean, when did it get to the point I wouldn't even pour it down my throat?   Then ... there were people sitting in chairs in front of me, behind home plate -- behind the fence.  I placed my chair so that while I was behind them, I was looking through an open spot.  First this man comes along, glances at me, then proceeds to stand right in front of me and talk to his people.  Finally his wife turned, saw he was totally blocking me, and told him to move.  Which he did, but grudgingly.

Later he came back, picked up the chair that they had opened for him and placed it in the open spot, directly in front of me.  He actually turned and looked at me, as though to say "yes, I see you and I realize I am going to completely block you, but I am going to anyway."

Which he did.  I knew he was going to do it, it was no surprise ... I mean, he STOOD in front of me earlier.  So I sat and judged him for a bit, then got over myself and moved my chair way to the left, to another open spot.  He actually had the gall to turn around to see if I had moved!

Putz.  Ooops, I mean man who sat in front of me, oh well.

There was an older couple in front of me now, and I was looking through the empty spot between them.  This went on for a few innings, when the woman turned, LOOKED AT ME, and then moved her chair closer to her husband, so she was blocking me.

At this point I looked into the sky and inquired openly of the universe.  WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME HERE?

I moved my chair back to the right to partake of the open space she had left behind, and really wondered, what is going on?

Well, global warming, the end of petroleum, food shortages, cancer everywhere and tainted food for starters.  AND RUDE people!  Gosh.  

But here's the thing -- my goal was to, starting today, do one really nice thing to and or for someone else every single day -- my good karma gesture if you will.  Random Acts of Kindness.  And also ... to tackle only one world calamity at a time, because I think it's giving me back pain, I really do.

So I have this book called Random Acts of Kindness, and I opened it up, randomly, and here are the two things that were on the two pages before me:

"Our lives are fed by kind words and gracious behavior.  We are nourished by expressions like `excuse me' and other such simple courtesies ... Rudeness, the absence of the sacrament of consideration, is but another mark that our time-is-money society is lacking in spirituality, if not also in its enjoyment of life."  -- Ed Hays.

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread.  They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing:  the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."  --Viktor Frankl

I have to say, my hair stood on end when I read both of these -- as they spoke to me, the answer to the question I put out to the universe.

Those people today were just symptoms of the disease which has affected us as a society.  And I can choose to let them affect me (and I really didn't) or I can figure out how to help them (if that is even possible).  My first reaction was to put my chair in front of the guy and say, yeah, I see you.  That is the reactionary response.  But I just moved.  And truly, I didn't really dwell until the woman did it to me!  Then I was like, HELLO.  So, should I have said something like, "Yes, you are going to block me, but you know what?  I'm okay with that, how are you today?  Isn't it beautiful out?"

Nah, there is no way I could pull that off without sounding sarcastic!  Or insincere or disingenuous. Because right now I want to smack the guy.  Upside the head, stupid ...

Anyway.  :::::::::::::::Deep breath:::::::::::::::::::::::::

The whole Holocaust thing -- it's not really fair for me to judge those people and believe that they could have done something for themselves, because I wasn't there and no one was holding a gun to my head.  But when I read that passage I realized ... in any situation people's ultimate characters will shine through -- despite what is going on, and there will always be people who are affected by those actions, positive or negative.

And so I would like to do my part to erase pain in the world (starting with my back) and begin a practice of daily random acts of kindness.  And you know, I thought the book was going to give me specific instructions.  But it did not -- gosh, is nothing ever easy?  (I am kidding here!)

For random acts of kindness to flourish we need to begin in the hardest of all places, our own hearts.  To reap a bountiful harvest of random acts of kindness, we need to begin by simple acts of kindness towards ourselves (I'm in with this!!!).  Then we can truly give from overflow, from a heart brimming with loving kindness.

Yeah, yeah, makes sense.

Now what?