Am I awake already or what?

Okay, so it's back to A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle.  It's been awhile, and it's been awhile since I've read it because it is in a word ... overwhelming.

But today I was determined to read the entire thing -- because it seemed as though I had been stalled at Chapter 5 forever.

All I managed to get through was Chapter 6 and half of 7.  It's kind of freaking me out.  It's as though the book stops me and makes me process things before carrying on.  (Well okay fine, not the book, but the force.  The force be with me.)  Damn force.  Which is not the proper word, I guess the word I am avoiding is consciousness.  Because I don't like it.  When the word unconscious is uttered, I see some poor soul laying on the ground, out like a light.  Unconscious (and therefore hurt).  And when I say conscious, I have no visual.  I don't see the same person who was laying on the ground hurt standing up and unhurt.  I have no touchstone for conscious, and I guess that is half the point.  (I don't really understand that half of the point so I am not going to be so bold as to say it is the total point!)

Anyway, all these thoughts that I am not supposed to be having (because thoughts are ego-based) are all over the place and they are bogging me down.  Literally.  I can feel the weight of all these thoughts (that I am NOT supposed to be having) and so I went into the present moment and took a few deep breaths and said that now was all there was and I was out like a light.

I was rendered unconscious!  (Fell into a deep, deep sleep).

So what is up with that?

I'll tell you.  This book is KILLING me.

And I think that is the point.  (The whole one this time, ha ha).

What I read today basically brought me to the understanding that I am resisting this whole thing.  Which is me to a "T."  It's not that I don't like change, it's more that I don't like not controlling things.  And to give yourself up to the moment is letting go of control.   And my ego, my strong, well groomed ego is working me -- making me think that I am all evolved and ready, even letting me believe at times that I am letting go.  But I am not.

Now, in this war of my essence versus my ego, I win the battle whenever I recognize my ego at work.  But ... with more of these swirling thoughts, I realize that you can not fight anything, for resistance brings persistence.  So I am just in this whirlwind getting nowhere, being ejected from time to time into the light, but getting drawn right back in when the wind chooses.  

From the book:

Nonresistance is the key to the greatest power in the universe.

Well, you can be sure that was a big lightbulb moment for me.  But where do I get me my nonresistance pill?

Inner resistance to form -- whatever is or happens -- is a denial of the absolute reality of form.  Resistance makes the world and the things of the world appear more real, more solid, and more lasting than they are, including your own form identity, the EGO.  It endows the world and the ego with a heaviness  and an absolute importance that makes you take yourself and the world very seriously.

I found it interesting that I felt bogged down, that I can literally feel the weight of this whole thing and then to come across that paragraph ... and to find that I am not feeling all that in front of the door to enlightenment, but smack dab in the middle of ego -- well, it's frustrating.   So is the metaphor the more you feed the ego, the heavier you feel?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

So really, this particular entry is to mark my frustration and my complete and total lack of awakening on any level.

But ... form means limitation and we are here not only to experience limitation, but also to grow in consciousness by going beyond limitation.

So ... it's all good.

Right?

I am off to now watch the videos on the two chapters I've just read, and I will report back with any new tidbits that might make more sense!