I was standing on a dark city street and my thought was "I probably shouldn't be standing here," and out came a couple, a man and a woman, and the next thought I had was relief, "oh, I am not alone," then one of them raised a gun and shot me.
"Not again!" I thought, and then woke up to a less jarring feeling (the last time I literally felt a whoosh as though the blood was draining from my body). This time, it was just in my stomach, and I felt a tingling that spread, kind of like when a rock hits the water and then the circles grow wider ... that is what I felt throughout my center. And while that was happening I was consciously thinking "nope, just a dream, it's happened again."
I am assuming that this is all about my "enlightenment" but I have to say, it's a little disconcerting. I was scouring the Internet for more information on gunshot dreams, and this explanation appealed to me: a gunshot is a spontaneous discharge of energy similar to a lightening bolt.
Like BANG, there goes the fun Lisa, the Lisa that gets to pick on persons, places and things!
Nah, my personal interpretation is that as I become more aware of what I am learning through A New Earth, old beliefs are falling away, and that is kind of like a new person being reborn.
I was reading the book this morning and I noticed that I kept closing my eyes and retreating into myself, focusing on the aliveness in different parts of my body, basically taking an "awareness break," and then returning to my reading. Because it is heady stuff, and because I am always, always, always consumed with thoughts and I just don't see how any of this works without thoughts! And yet ... I kind of do. It's like ... it's like a word that is on the tip of my tongue, I know what it is, but it just won't come. That's how I feel about all of the information in the book. I get it! I just don't get it. You know?
I was watching the fourth installment of the webcast with Oprah and Eckhart Tolle today and everything they discussed made sense to me. The fourth chapter is about roles the ego plays -- and I can look back through my life and see the roles I have played, and actually felt as though I was playing a role in many instances! There is nothing wrong with a role (mother, doctor, woman, daughter, etc.) the key is just not to identify with those roles as your total being. I have never done this to any extreme -- I think many of the aspects of this chapter come naturally to me -- like I am a mother but it's not who I am and I've always known that my role is to guide my children but not to smother them or believe that I always know best. And I don't do guilt -- and I never have, and that was one of the questions that came up ... how do you avoid feeling guilty about not being a good mother, etc., and I thought, "oh, I don't have that problem!" (Is this my ego talking? I think so, I am squirming in my chair again like I am great ... geesh).
But here is something to ponder. A Zen master stated: "His need to win drains him of power."
To have mastery in any endeavor you must be 100 percent present.
I am working on this! But man, then I think, well, I am often thinking of five different things at the same time, and if I am doing that, well then again, how can you think all the time and be present because the thoughts are like little black flies buzzing in your ear demanding your attention and ... clearly my problem is focus. I need to F O C U S.
And I didn't do that did I in this entry?
Well I don't care, I don't feel guilty :P
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