It's this moment that counts

Living in the moment ... what does it mean exactly?

Today I learned that someone died that shouldn't have. A young woman, a little older than myself, diagnosed with cancer on Thursday and gone by the end of the weekend. As I thought about her through the course of the day, I wondered if she lived in the moment. I suspect not. I don't think that she was very happy -- at least not ultimately.

I then thought that this is the second person, a contemporary, who has died. I remember reading a long time ago that the stage of life you are in is very easy to recognize ... if you are in your 20's, you will be attending weddings. When you are in your 30's you will be having children and everyone else you know will too. After that ... it will be funerals.

You really don't think that it's going to be in your 40's -- but I haven't been to a wedding in a long time nor had a friend who has had a baby recently. I guess, as they say, the writing is on the wall!

There is nothing wrong with reminders I suppose of your mortality. And this living in the moment idea -- it has merit if the string of moments will cease sooner than later. Making every moment count ... not whiling away your time in a job you hate or a marriage that is unhappy or wondering when things will get better ... is the only way to live. Because otherwise you aren't living.

When I picked Charlie up from school today he had something to tell me that "would make me very mad." Great.

Apparently he had to serve a detention because during his Spanish class he hadn't finished his homework and while asking the teacher how to do the second problem, another kid walked by and supposedly the teacher thought he tripped him, but he really didn't blah blah blah.

I said to Charlie, people get exasperated with you after a time. I get exasperated ... and maybe you didn't trip the kid then but you'd done other things that exasperated the teacher ... and the ultimate consequence of that is an "unfair" detention. I told him I wasn't mad -- I was exasperated.

He said he could do nothing right ... the usual. I just calmly told him that it was a daily choice to believe that someone else was in charge of the way his day went ... his feelings. But the real truth is that HE is in charge of everything.

We came into the house from the car and he was quiet, upset. I know he has a vocabulary test tomorrow, but I also knew that it wasn't the time to bring it up. So I did not. After a few minutes, he asked me if I would do something with him. I said sure. Then he seemed to let the feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness slip away in reaction to my willingness to participate with him in something other than my constant reminding him of his inadequacy and worthlesness and he suggested we watch a movie.

Dinner has yet to be dealt with and I was hoping to get some reading in as chapter five is being discussed with Oprah and Eckhart tonight ... but said yes because it felt right. We decided to watch Into the Wild, which we'd seen a few months ago in the movie theatre but the fire alarm went off and we'd never seen the end. It is about a boy who graduates from college and then retreats from society (and his family) and eventually ends up in a bus in the wilderness, where he dies from starvation. It is a true story ... and it's actually an appropriate movie to be watching with your exasperating son!

We've had several thoughtful dialogues ... such as how awful it was for this boy to just abandon his family -- and no matter what your parent's have done to you, it sure doesn't seem fair to make them suffer by not knowing whether or not you're dead or alive.

And also, the boy is very intelligent and therefore ultimately a disappointment to his father because he won't use that intelligence for things that utilize that intelligence, such as being a lawyer, continuing on to law school and "doing something with his life." So we talked about that -- expectations of other people. And I said, no matter what I think a parent would rather have their child in their life -- and if you believe you are a child who is a disappointment to your parents -- the only thing you can do is not be a disappointment to yourself.

I don't think he gets that, but then I started to wonder why he was so much more relaxed and open to conversation and it hit me. The reason he wanted to watch a movie with me is because Maddie has been talking about how much she has enjoyed the past few weeks hanging with me and watching movies.

My AHA moment. And then I thought about how many moments we have missed that could have been steeped in intellectual conversation based on being in the moment ... and instead we fought about the future ... homework, a test, and lost precious moments.

It's really all about time. All he wants is someone to relate to him for who he is ... right now. He doesn't want to have to DO something (homework, chores, etc.) in order to "earn" something. That something even being human contact.

It's hard to live in the moment.
It's hard to be a parent.

But if I am living in the moment ... then I am only ... a good mom!