For that, I have decided, is what this public school system is rooted in: Negative energy.
He received his book report back and the grade was a 92. Why not a 100? I had gone over it with him, he'd read the book, he'd put together the report according to the instructions. Bottom line, he'd read the book and done the time. That in my mind is a 100 percent.
Well ... yes, in a positive-energy world, that would be so. But in a negative-energy world, the focus must be on what was done wrong, not all the right. In this case, he had neglected to put the name of the book and the author's name in this particular spot -- and hence, in the rubric, four points were taken off for "not following directions properly." Four more points were taken off for "grammar and punctuation" though for the life of me I couldn't find any problems, and the teacher didn't take the time to underline or point out these things.
But in this school it's no big deal, you just make an appointment with the teacher and you can bring your grade up. Well, it seems somewhat pointless, doesn't it? The damage has already been done. I know how I felt when I sat there and read how many things had been done wrong (with no acknowledgement whatsoever of anything positive) -- and this after going over it with him several times to make sure nothing was missing. The fact of the matter is, it is set up to make a student fail if a writer and editor can not find anything wrong with a book report but a teacher can.
Peter doesn't get it. His viewpoint is you are mad about an A grade. Well, Charlie doesn't see anything but what he's done wrong and so it makes him feel bad and he stops trying. Which makes perfect sense to me because it's a game of simon says -- and it's hard to pat your tummy and your nose at the same time. Try it! And once you figure out how to pat your tummy and nose as best you can, it will change and you'll have to pat your tummy and nose and hop on one foot.
It's crap, and yesterday I told him we'd look at another school. He looked the school up on the internet, said it looked cool, and once again I saw my son return. The happy-go-lucky one that isn't decimated by a bunch of negative-energy happiness sucking stupid-rules-loving "teachers," who in truth only teach you that no matter how hard you try you will do SOMETHING wrong. But never fear, we can go over all the things you've done WRONG, to reinforce that you aren't that bright as we have been showing you since grade one ... have you not gotten it YET?
Yeah, well, I got it on day one. And so did he, and yet we've been struggling through this for years now, like one does in a bad marriage, hoping that tomorrow will be better, when of course we know it will not. I've tried to divorce it, (home schooling) I've tried to remarry (private school) -- but ultimately the problem lies with us. Charlie and I. We see through the facade -- we see that the system isn't working -- never really has -- and that doesn't sit right with either of us. I can see myself in Charlie many years ago, but I had the benefit of a few teachers who liked me, even respected me for my need to rebel.
But there are no people left like that anymore within the public school system (and if there are, they don't last long) because you can't spend your days banging your head against the wall. It hurts too much and it doesn't do a damn thing toward change. There are people who can bide their time, get through ... and that is what we have been trying to do.
But ultimately, Charlie and I, we're not good at living lies, or trying to be people that we're not. We can be inside the box for only so long, then we start to rot.
I don't know if I mentioned this before, because it has been in my head, but if I had children now I would have them "off the grid." A kid off the grid. Therefore no one would know of their existence and they wouldn't have to go to school! They would be phantom children until one day we wanted to come out of our cocoon and get all the benefits of the system. Oh wait, that day probably wouldn't ever come now would it? Benefits? Like what? Paying taxes?
I say this kid off the grid thing because I'd just like to take him out of school. And do what with him I don't know, maybe travel across the country and pick up odd jobs to fund our adventure and meet all kinds of different people and see how people live their lives and build deep relationships with others based on just because you are there at that time and space of life.
Now that would be learning. Not dying inside on a daily basis. I know that's what it feels like.
I've been there, done that. And I was so much stronger then than he is, and so much more sure of myself than he is, and I barely made it through.
This is why I can't send him back there much longer.
It's killing both of us.
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