One of the things I've never swayed from perceiving the same way on a consistent basis is in regards to money. A long, long time ago I came up with this idea that if I had $20 in my pocket, then I had money. I left $20 in my pocket (or pocketbook) all the time and if I happened to use it, I would replace it. This changed when debit cards came along, because if you have a debit card in your wallet (and an account with funds in it to back it up) then you always have money, right?
So, since I always had at least $20, I was never broke. I never used that term, it wasn't in my vocabulary. I have always believed I have enough money because if you spend more at a certain time, then you just don't spend for a bit. I am also not a born shopper and would rather be in the woods than the mall -- so that of course helps too! But my entire perception of money has always been it's not something to get all that concerned about. I don't know why. I have never wanted to be a millionaire, I never wanted to work in order to make a lot of money. I have had a lot of opportunities in which I could have used my skills in order to make money, but that never was a big enough carrot for me. The bottom line is, I don't care about money. No one ever believes me when I say this, or they will say that I have obviously never NOT had money because otherwise I wouldn't say it. Which is true. I always had at least $20. Always.
I believe that I can do anything I want and that money will never be an obstacle that stands in my way to prevent me from doing it. I believe this strongly, and therefore, it is.
So this is where it gets tricky. Somewhere along the line I developed this belief system (basically out of nowhere) and I have never had any negative thoughts in regards to money. (Right now I don't personally make any, and it took me a long time to feel okay about that, but that is a separate issue -- not necessarily about money itself -- but more about power and control.) And the key word here is ... control.
I've never controlled my feelings about money, I just accepted them. Why not? It worked ... there was always enough, I've always done everything I wanted, I don't spend countless hours worrying about how I am going to pay for this or pay for that because I believe that it will work out. And it does. That doesn't mean that there isn't someone else that worries ... but that isn't my problem! I worked for years and years and maintained the same belief system. You worry because you want to, not to create money for me.
But that is about the ONLY thing that I didn't try to control. Or don't try to control. I wouldn't say I am a control freak, but I'm not really good at following the leader. I far prefer to be the leader, the person in charge, the one who says go. And one of the principles of the law of attraction is that you have to surrender. And man, I don't like that idea one iota!
And yet ... I surrendered to the idea that money was always going to be there for me. So why can't I apply that to all aspects of my life? And maybe I do, to some degree, because I have a hard time coming up with things to manifest! A new car? Well, I have two. A big house? Hmmm, got that. Perfect children? Check. As far as things go, I have all I need or want and really have no desire to attract more. What has become a "situation" for me though, is a career. A job. A purpose.
And I'm not surrendering to it, I am trying to control it. I am coming up with all sorts of business ideas and opportunities and getting all busy and all and then thinking, well, I don't know, is that what I REALLY want to do? I could drive myself crazy, with all of my blessings cursing me (I have a huge creative streak, I love to cook, I am passionate about health and wellness, I love travel and encouraging and ...) well. The point is, there are so many different directions I could take. It's not like it's clear-cut and I want to be a fireman. Well, it is, I absolutely DO NOT want to be a fireman. But you get what I mean.
So, I know that I need to surrender to the universe. I know this intellectually. So, I drag out my many books on the subject in an attempt to begin the process once again. And then things happen, as they do when you are open, and what do I do? I fight it! I try to control it! And I am even aware of this, and yet, I get even more stubborn and dig my heels in even deeper, or try to reach the same destination by taking a circuitous route.
Let me explain.
I decide that I must begin to channel the universe in a higher frequency than I have been doing. In essence, I have been lazy, just phoning in. So, as I said, I read, I repeat, I go inward and I feel the buzz. It's all good.
Then a person who I met with in Arizona last spring starts emailing (not just to me, but to a list) that he is coming out with a new program on the Law of Attraction. Do I take this as a sign? Oh no. I start to pick it apart ... I become suspicious of the tactics -- I see "how to sell something online 101" in practice and I won't have anything to do with it!
The emails continue. My suspicion grows.
The last email is a video basically asking WHAT could possibly be standing in the way of my not purchasing this program, and to take some time and ask myself that question and see what happens. I do this. On my drive to pick up Charlie last night I saw this person's car about 10 times. The last time I actually laughed out loud. The universe was kicking me in the butt, and I was still like, yeah, well.
WHAT THE HELL? What is wrong with me? So rather than purchasing this program, I purchase another book on the laws of attraction. And there is a website that I am instructed to go to. So I think, okay, perhaps this is the path that I was supposed to take all along. But then, that doesn't make any sense, because in truth I am not surrendering, I am controlling. So that is my own mind making excuses and telling me that I have made the right choice, when in fact I know I am just doing the usual standing in my own way. And even better, I KNOW this, and yet, I let it continue?
So, I began this blog with the intention of having an answer at the end of it! And? I'm going to go buy the program.
Yes. I went inside and feel that that is the right choice.
Or am I controlling my thoughts?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
2 comments:
Ouch! Now THAT was painful!!
Just float...and it will come. You are trying too hard!!
What is up with the floating?
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