The power of cravings

This morning on my way home from dropping Charlie off at school, I had the most powerful and incredible NEED for coffee. All I could think about was a hot cup in my hand, sipping it ... I could imagine the aroma and the flavor. I drove into Dunkin' Donuts. I mean, wouldn't you?

The coffee itself was far too hot to drink, so instead of putting the craving to rest, I examined it. You see, I don't drink coffee -- at least not on a regular basis. I like coffee and for years on my way to work I would drive through and pick up my big cup of Dunkin' Donuts hazelnut with milk and one sweet and low. (Yes, that is what I ordered today!) I don't know whether it's because I drive by a Dunkin' Donuts every morning, or because I am in the car every morning at a "commuting" hour, but it seems as though it is unleashing some dormant need for coffee!

I have felt it before, but not this strong. I don't want to be a slave to my coffee addiction as I was before. After I stopped working and no longer made the regular commute past the addiction affliction coffee stop, it became a hassle to actually remember to drink it so that I wouldn't get a headache. So if I didn't remember to drink my coffee before noon, I was screwed, because if I drank it after that, I wouldn't sleep. It was ridiculous, so I went through a detox, it was horrible and I swore I'd never go near the stuff again.

And I didn't, for many years. But now I am, like many addicts, quite sure I can "handle it." This past summer while we were at the Vineyard, I had a cup of coffee nearly every morning for two weeks. I was aware that this could be a problem, so I would deliberately not have it some days just to make sure I could "get by." But everyone else was drinking it (I know, I know, terrible reason) but it's such a social thing, and I really like it! I figured what the heck, I was on vacation after all!

As soon as we returned home, I knocked off the coffee completely. And it was fine, no big deal. But not only do I like the taste of coffee, I like the IDEA of it. I like the idea of having something that "gets you going," that signifies a ritual that implies you don't really have to be yourself until you have consumed at least half a cup. When people say, "I can't deal with this, I haven't had my coffee yet," I think, "YEAH! I want that too."

Why?

You got me. Seriously, even re-reading that above paragraph I find it puzzling that I would actually WANT something that, well that makes me seem weak. I "can't" shouldn't really be in any of our vocabularies, and certainly not first thing in the morning!

Every morning I have a smoothie -- it revs me up and tastes delicious and it's all I need for hours. Sometimes it is fruit-based and other times it is green (with veggies). But I don't NEED it, but it makes for a wonderful and healthy breakfast. Coffee doesn't really fit that bill, though it does fill me up. I have now only had a cup of coffee this morning (large, hazelnut, with milk and sweet and low,) and I am stuffed. But what have I ingested that is going to do my body good? I can't imagine drinking a smoothie on top of it, so in truth, the coffee is a detriment to me.

(Talking myself off the coffee wagon here!)

What is most interesting about this whole thing is how the craving grew and grew until I had to listen to it. So, does my body actually NEED caffeine right now? Is that what it's all about? Another thing I am wondering is that I have this cream that contains caffeine in it, because it is made from a coffee bean. It smells absolutely AMAZING, and I put it on before I go to bed. So, could this be going into my system and I am waking up craving more of what I am smelling all night?

Well, that could be it! See, if I hadn't started this whole thing about craving caffeine I never would have thought of that. I am going to ditch the cream for a few nights and see if the cravings go away. Before I find myself between that fine line of NEED versus WANT!