Hanging with the self

Yesterday I did what is called "journey work," which is when you retreat into yourself and see "what comes up."  I began at 10:00 in the morning and did not literally open my eyes until 2:00 P.M.  It was pretty wild.

The things that "came up" blew me away in that they were so not what I expected.  Because no matter how hard I try I am unable to drop this weight I have been carrying for 20 years, I truly expected there had to be something big -- some deep dark secret that I'd embedded into my cells and stuffed down and comforted with food.

But the truth of the matter is that it was a series of teeny tiny events that INFURIATED me, as a young child, to such a degree that I began to internalize my anger and I believed that it was my job to take care of everyone and everything.

The sheer simplicity of it somewhat blows me away, but it has given me new insight to the idea that small things make a difference -- negative or positive.  I've always thought along the lines of a grand scheme.  If I have a party, it has to be a big party -- if I have a small dinner party, then I will make something extra special.  But why?  Because somewhere along the line I decided that small things didn't matter, when really they are all that matters.

After the session I was to spend the day in silence, with myself.  Oh my!  Not an easy task.  Since this meant no reading, TV, computer, etc. I was basically left to either lay on my bed or sit in a chair outside.  I did this for several hours, I played around with energy and this poor bird didn't know what was happening!

Seriously, this bird landed at the top of a tree and it was right in my line of sight.  I stared at it and threw energy at it and when it went to fly away, it came right back.  I was delighted to see some proof that this energy stuff works, so I threw out even more.  The bird tried to fly away three or four times but kept returning.  It wouldn't get any further than maybe two feet from the branch when it "had" to return.  When I laughed it seemed to break the "spell," and that bird got out of there fast!

But you can only torture birds for so long ... you can only meditate for so long ... I was going a little bonkers.  By 7:00 p.m. I had the computer on my lap!  By 9:00 I was watching TV.

I am not perfect and I am perfectly fine with that!