Bathroom literacy

When you are on the road you spend a lot of time in public bathrooms. There are ratings for these facilities as follows:

Hey, this is nice
Not bad
Okay
Absolutely Disgusting
I'd rather pee in the woods

But no matter what the rating, each one is different from the one before, guaranteed. So if in the Hey this is nice one there was a button you waved your hand in front of to turn the covering on the toilet seat to presumably a nice new one for you, and a sink that you put your hands underneath the water and it went on automatically and the same with the soap, and to get a paper towel you just hold out your hand and wa-la ... you can guarantee that in the next bathroom you attend ... say the Okay one, you might get sucked down the toilet itself because it chose to flush itself (and then when you are really and truly done you have no idea what part of the back of the toilet one would use to flush). And you will put your hands underneath the faucet, but nothing will come out, so you will realize that you need to turn this faucet on, and then you will start pumping the top of the soap and nothing will happen until you discover that it is automatic, and you will think to yourself why is there automatic soap but not automatic water? It's a crap shoot what type of paper-towel dispenser you'll run into.

They are all different. And it's ridiculous trying to keep up with them. Today in a restaurant I would term as Not Bad, it had a seat cover (9 times out of 10 those dispensers are empy) and plenty of toilet paper. Always pleasant. It flushed itself, but not too soon, and then I held my hands under the faucet. Bupkus.

I waved my hands. Nothing. I started putting my hands underneath all the other faucets. STUPID. Then a girl came out of a stall and quite knowingly held her hand briefly in front of an infrared tab hidden at the base of the faucet. The water went on beautifully. It also went off as soon as you took your hands away to get soap (automatically dispensed without an infrared naturally) and required another gesture. Bottom line, I felt bathroom illiterate. And I've been using them all my life. I swear.

I guess you just get used to it eventually -- I can remember having the same issues with ATM machines and the credit/debit card machines at grocery stores. They were all different and until I became stupid machine literate, I never did it right. I always swiped my card at the wrong time, I never waited for the clerk when I was supposed to and then if I waited for the clerk she looked at me impatiently and like I was a moron and told me to swipe my card -- that I could do it anytime.

Now I read the machine ... I scope it out and figure out what move I need to make next. I just think that having to figure out the complexities of a bathroom on a daily basis is a pain in the butt. So here is how they should be set up:

If you use automatic faucets then automatic soap dispensers are a must. It should be illegal to combine the two because you will ALWAYS hold your hand underneath the soap waiting for it to share. And when it doesn't, then you get mad and use more soap. So therefore, it is wasteful.

All paper towel dispensers that automatically give you a sheet of towel should be programmed to give you about half as much more because I am letting the world know right now that EVERY B O D Y uses two because the first piece isn't big enough. So therefore, it is wasteful.

Automatically flushing toilets should ALL BE TIMED the same. I can't tell you how many times I will stand there waiting for my bowl to flush. I like a clean bowl as well as the next person, and 9 times out of 10 there is someone out there waiting for this particular bowl and I am NOT going to be the person to leave it dirty. I will eventually get impatient and will push what I hope is the proper button just as it is starting to flush. I believe it uses double the water, and therefore, it is wasteful.

I'll be honest. The plastic cover on the toilets (Chicago airport is one of the few places I've seen this) doesn't make sense to me. I am somewhat skeptical of it and think that perhaps it is just turning around in a circle, making you feel good. I have been known to line the plastic cover with toilet paper. Therefore, it is wasteful.

I believe that this automation of bathroom components was derived due to focus groups who determined that less would be used if it was meted out to them in a controlled environment. The water goes off if your hands leave the area. The soap does as well and the paper towels, well, I've already given my opinion on that. This is all fine and I am not against it -- I just want there to be a universal language. One I could learn once and for all.