Fear

So today for day 4 of 21.5.800 lets write 800 words about fear.

What are you afraid of?

What are your fear responses?

How can you engage fear in a more genuine way?

In what ways do you act out toward others or yourself when you are afraid?

Today for the challenge, we are encouraged to write about fear. My first reaction is that I am not afraid of anything, but then I remember the snake thing. Which I believe is more irrational than anything else. I don't "do" fear. It is a part of who I am to believe that I am strong and capable and fearless.

And of course I'm not. I have loads of fears -- about not being a good enough mother for starters. I remember when Hallie was little at the end of each day I would feel as though I hadn't given her enough of my time. I would lay in bed, unable to sleep, trying to figure out how I could be a better mother. I instinctively knew that this particular challenge could be met with more time. As a full time working mother, I felt guilty having her in daycare, and yet, she loved it. So I shortened the hours, and made sure that she was always the last kid to get there; and the first to leave. That gave us time in both the mornings and evenings to connect a little without that feeling of constant rushing.

And yet, I always remained fearful that I wasn't doing and/or being enough. And when Maddie and Charlie came along, I all but threw the towel in! It was such a constant dance of trying to balance everything and failing miserably on all fronts. When you are deeply mired in it -- you can only see so far ahead. As I look back, I realize that sometimes instead of fixing it; I made the problem worse by writing. I can recall many hours lost in another world. A luxury I had no business taking, but I think it probably saved me.

As a professional person I had great fears that I wasn't good enough to be doing what I was doing. If I could do one thing over it would be to NOT work in a family business! It's just such a drag that no matter how hard you work there is always someone who assumes that you are where you are because of nepotism. I carried that with me through it all -- which was dumb because who really cares. But when you are young you care about stupid stuff like that. I was lucky in that I loved my job -- I was of course privvy to a lot of freedoms due to the fact it was a family business. I made my own hours, and even though I would stay until midnight to complete a deadline, I would still feel bad that others would think that I was taking advantage the following morning by not coming in right away. SO STUPID! And every time I went on an interview, I was always a wreck. Would I be asking the right questions? Would I come off as an incompetent wannabe reporter? Was I a reporter? What was I exactly? A fraud! I was a fraud. I didn't know what I was doing and who the hell was I to interview these well-dressed over-educated CEO's on their companies?

Every interview.

I drove to each one, my stomach always an absolute mess. I dreaded every mile of that drive, I dreaded walking into the company, I dreaded it right up until the moment I set the stage and was able to sit back and get the story. And all that fear evaporated right into the ether as I became completely engaged with whom I was speaking with -- I always hit the flow and always had the story written in my head before I even walked out the door.

Every interview.

And yet, right until the last one, I was afraid, completely saddled with all the old fears that THIS would be the interview that I would fail at.

Now that I have opened up the fear box, they are all pouring out.

I am afraid that I am wasting my life not doing what I am supposed to do.

I am afraid that I could walk a thousand miles and never lose a pound.

I am afraid that I won't have the time to visit all the places I need to go to.

I am afraid that all the bad things in the world that are supposed to happen, actually will.

And yet ... I am not afraid. Only when I am made to think about it!