Stare down!

Babies have always stared at me. They won't smile at me, or even bat an eye. They just stare. And stare. And stare.

They stare me down. I mean, they actually win. And I just shrug it off, no big deal, the kid was bored and I was the shiniest thing around to stare at.

But I don't think that's it. Not after today.

I was sitting outside at a ski mountain by a fire pit. It was cold and windy and I glanced to my left and this baby was staring at me. A little boy, probably one. He was intent. I stared back. His mother was busy watching his two younger brothers and so didn't realize that there was a crazy woman staring her baby down. I was determined to stare this baby down. You see, I was about as bored as a human being can get. I was at the mountain to watch my daughter race. This takes less than a minute, but you must take the other hundreds of minutes and amuse yourself.

Today, I decided to stare down babies.

Well, this one particular baby. He had these little dark eyes, he was in a blue snowsuit and his little hands were exposed. He didn't care. He was busy staring at me. At my eyes. He was intent and I was intent too. And I thought, look at this kid! He is amazing, he ... and then suddenly his mother stood up and his little body was turned from mine. He started shrieking like he was being put in the fire, and even she was surprised. I wasn't. I knew what was bothering him. And I wondered, does this happen to babies a lot?

Do they get totally involved in staring into the eyes of people to determine who they are, only to be ripped from their undertakings by unknowing parents who think their children are clueless?

I swear, I almost want another baby right now because of this new insight! Yes, I know that sounds weird, but the mother attempted to calm this child down and ended up sitting even closer to me. And she noticed I was staring at her (well at the baby) and thought I was doing so because he was screaming. Which wasn't the case at all, but because of that, I looked away. Geesh. So when I turned to look at the baby again, he was mad! LOL

Actually, he was just frustrated and writhing and trying to get out of his mother's lap and the moment was good and lost, and when he had looked at me, I was looking away, and well ... the next thing I know his older brother (three years old, tops) was staring at me. Now I was beginning to wonder if I looked funny. Was my hair sticking out? Did I have something on my face? But he was doing the same thing! Just staring at me. And I was going to look away when I realized, NO! There is a reason for this, I just need to figure it out. So we were eye-locked for about a minute when his father sat down where the mother had just been, so he was near me, and I looked away because I don't want to be the creepy woman that stares at little boys.

But he was three, so he came right up to me and asked me what the fire pit said (it said danger, open flame) or something like that. So he started pointing to the letters and saying E L A M E, and I nodded and was about to tell him that it said flame and the first letter was an F, when his father grabbed his arm and told him it was an F not an E and come on, let's go.

Now wait a minute. Why didn't the father just tell the kid that the word was flame? Why did he have to go and tell him what he did WRONG?

Do we all do this as parents of so many little ones we can't keep our own heads on straight? The whole thing was so fascinating to me. I was completely enthralled with all of my new thoughts and I scanned the area looking for little babies to stare at. Alas, the surroundings were plum out.

But also sitting around this fire pit (and you must picture how ridiculous this is; it was freezing out, snowing, windy and yet, the lodge was mobbed and this was actually more enjoyable than being indoors!) anway, there was an older couple sitting across from me, older as in probably mid-60's, and the woman's entire body was moving to the music that was playing (quite loudly) and her husband just looked plain miserable. He was sitting next to my husband who was trying to dream up new things to do because he is bored unless he is "doing" something. In the 20 minutes or so we sat in those chairs, he had gone to check the running order, gone to the bathroom, and returned to check to see if the running order was out. Me? I was just baby staring.

Anyway.

I am deeply rooted in that space of time between no longer having small children that consume my every thought and speck of energy, and before I am too old to sit by the fire in the freezing cold and not be miserable. I say deeply rooted because I like this space and it's going to be hard to unearth me. And I felt a positive rush as I watched this older woman, because she too was content in her surroundings and able to hear the music and let her body receive it.

When we are parents of little kids, there is just no time to consider every fleeting thought our child has. When Hallie was little, she received a lot of that. She had doting grandparents and I spent countless hours with her discussing whatever was on her mind. I was a young mother and found it all intriguing, and I didn't have any peers with children at the time who could fill my mind with things like what I should and shouldn't be doing! I was winging it and really that is the only way to parent.

By the time I had Maddie, I was seven years the wiser, which meant that I was way too stupid to even have children! I believed that you could have a baby and maintain your career, no sweat, and I believed that I could do everything because I was experienced! I had done this before. And it really took another pregnancy before I realized I couldn't do it all, at all. Not even close.

I don't know if it is a rite of passage to nearly drive yourself insane with keeping your head above water and raising happy, healthy children. I really don't. And while I would be a much different parent today than I was 23 years ago, there is no way I would be a better one. Just a different one.

But for a fleeting moment today, as those children stared at me, I realized, all they are looking for is love and acceptance, and a few answers to their never-ending questions. And very often, the people that they are with 24/7 just don't have that kind of time.

There must be a solution.

Just a wandering 2010 thought.