It's not supposed to be work!@

 
I am such a disorganized person -- and truthfully, that rarely bothers me.  But then again, I am NOT really disorganized in most things.  Just when I write.  I am very careless and lackadaisical when writing, because it seems when I am in the middle of a book; it would be impossible to forget anything.

I have three novels that are in various states of flux.  One is completely written but I am incapable of believing that or something, so I leave that one in the belief it needs more.  Then there is another one probably more than halfway written, and that one grabs me from time to time.  But this one I am working on now has been the most compelling as of late.  The characters have not flooded my brain, as they have a tendency to do.  But instead, they are on the periphery, waiting.  They are waiting for me to finish their story.  They are so patient too ... and I have come to the realization that it is because those characters are patient themselves.


I sat down this morning to write where I left off yesterday.  But it doesn't feel right (write) and because I am clearly in the mood to write, I am writing here instead.  Somewhere there is a notebook with my notes on this novel.  I just can't find them.  There is a lot of confusion if I lose track -- as I am now going to start going back in time.  But I need to pick a timeframe and that just puts me off.  I don't do outlines, I just jot down notes and let the book flow.  But this one has never been like that.  It has asked more from me right from the beginning.  


The premise is hard for me too.  I am not sure where it came from, or why it even needs to be written, but I struggle with scenes (of the sexual nature for starters) between the main female character and one of the main male characters, who is 20 years her junior.  I have no business putting myself in the situation, because it is not about me, but still.  There is such a weirdness about it -- like really, it doesn't feel right.  And yet, why is it okay when older men hook up with women so much younger?  Why does that not seem predatory and wrong?  I guess that is part of the main theme of the book -- the coming to terms with that actual question.  (Why I am writing about it really confuses me, I must admit!  It certainly doesn't come from experience.  But that is the way such things happen I guess.  They sort of kind of be what they want to be!)


But my frustration right now is that I can't find this notebook that contains all my notes.  I just flipped through six -- and they were all something I am working on.  But not this one.  Which makes me wonder, am I supposed to be re-thinking it?


I feel like the girl in the picture above.  In fact, that is exactly what I did when I realized I wasn't going to be able to just fly through and type like a maniac this morning.  Sigh.


I can't even find a fancy new notebook to use.  Which may mean I have to clean my office.  GAH!