Two Kisses for Maddy

I don't remember when I first stumbled upon Matt Logelin's blog, but I have been following it for at least two years, if not longer.  The one thing that attracts me to a blog is someone's brutal honesty.  I don't want to read about someone's half-assed rambling about how great they are and how great they look doing it.  I want to read real stuff.  If someone's authenticity shines through, then I am drawn in and I never look back.  It is a commitment to follow a blog -- because you are forever touched by that person, often in ways you don't ever expect.

As a young mother I found the internet to be a treasure trove of information, companionship and support.  It was unfortunate that it wasn't until I had my third child that this opportunity was available (I know it is hard to imagine that the Internet wasn't always there, but believe me, it was not!) While working for Moms Online I was exposed to all sorts of things I'd never even heard of before (attachment parenting for example) and was often the person who had to mediate between those who were for it, and those who were against it.  It being a whole range of theories like never putting your child down to sleeping with them until they (the child) decided it was time to sleep elsewhere.  Oh, and the breast versus bottle feeding threads would get so heated I often had to shut them down.  Seriously!

But I learned so much and made such important connections that I have forever been a believer that we can find what we need in this forum if we are lucky enough to find the right place.

Matt Logelin's wife Liz died the day after she gave birth to their daughter Maddy.  She died of a pulmonary embolism (she was on bedrest for several months before giving birth prematurely) and as you can imagine, Matt was completely devastated.   He had kept a blog while Liz was in the hospital for the last three weeks of her life as a convenient way to keep family and friends updated on her status.  Later, after her death he became obsessed with keeping Liz alive for Maddy, and when he realized that he wasn't going to be able to keep her smell on the pillow or even her car in front of the house forever, he thought the blog would be a great way to share his memories with his daughter.
Matt Logelin pictured with Maddy.

Then he connected with a couple of connected women and they wanted him to join their new mom's support groups.  But some of the members didn't want a man involved.  So they decided to start their own -- and pretty soon Matt's website was getting a huge number of responses to a question.  If he asked how do I do this at 3:00 in the morning in Los Angeles, he would get a response within minutes from someone around the country who was up.  In other words, he suddenly didn't feel so alone.

Then an agent discovered his blog and asked him to write a book.  And so he did.  And I just finished reading it tonight.  And I am exhausted.

It came about a week ago and I immediately began reading it.  I chose not to buy the kindle version but instead went for the more expensive hard cover book.  It just felt right.  I could only get through one chapter before I was sobbing.  Several more chapters and I was physically and emotionally drained and put the book aside.

And I know the story.  I have read it in the blog; I have followed this man's words for years.  But this book, I don't know.  He put something in that book and it just oozes out of it.  His grief, I suppose.  He wrapped up a well source of grief and packaged it between the pages and it socks you with such a vengeance.  I have never read anything like it.

I don't mean the tears rolling down your cheeks type crying.  I am talking full on sobbing, with stomach contractions and big puffy eyelids and runny nose.  I put the book aside.  I couldn't take it.

Then I tried a chapter a day.  I never got through even one without tearing up.  Today I decided that it must be safe -- I was three quarters of the way through and well, it had to get better, right?  But it was a different kind of tears.  I felt just as emotionally devastated reading about how he was letting his wife go as I did when he was describing what it was like to lose her.  Sobbing.  I am a wreck.  Full blown headache, puffy eyes, stuffy nose, devastated.

He has a live-in girlfriend now -- and what I would predict to be quite a successful book.  He has managed to triumph over a tragedy that could level anyone.  But wow ... even knowing that didn't help one iota!  I have never read anything like it (well, maybe The Yearling.  That book pretty much did me in -- I was 14 and sobbed for three days) and I am not sure I ever want to!  I am not sure I would want to be Maddy and read that book.  Good lord.

Two kisses for Maddy -- one from him, one from her mom, one for now and one for what could and should have been.