Tree to be you and me

I have had the most intense and vivid dreams the past month or so.  I always dream, but these are the type you wake up thinking about -- and while I will have those from time to time, to have them nightly is a new phenomena.  And I like it, because I believe your dreams are meaningful if you take the time to look a little deeper.

Last night's dream was about having a big fight with someone -- a fight where things were said that are always ALWAYS left unsaid -- and it felt good, and it felt right, and in the end, when I woke up, I felt as though it was a validation towards defending my feelings towards this person.  I am always trying to be open and accepting and to turn the other cheek, so to speak, because I can be a bitch and sometimes only just for the sake of being one.  Why?  I think that is partially laziness -- sometimes it is easier just to dismiss someone and believe that you don't connect with them because you don't feel like it -- but then again, what sense does that make?  There has to be a REASON you don't like someone, right?

But then that conflicts with the notion that we are all one and the same and the universe should just be gushing with love and if you are pulsing your own love machine, then how can you not like someone?  I seriously wish sometimes that I didn't give a shit, you know?  And it's not even a situation of over thinking something -- because that's not really it.  It's the idea that maybe if I am having a problem with someone, than somehow it is MY fault because am I not supposed to be the enlightened, open, and loving source?

It's all very confusing -- but the dream spoke to me in a way that I can't speak to myself -- and the altercation that took place within the dream felt right.  I know that probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but the first thing I thought of this morning (after I stopped oohing and aaaahing over the pink sky) was, yeah, I knew it.  I've ALWAYS known it!  And there is a richness of feeling in having that confirmed, even if ultimately it is me that confirmed it!  HAHAHAHA.

I have been using Angel Cards on a daily basis, and they have directed me towards a path I find a bit disconcerting.  Not in a bad way, mind you, but in a kind of hmmm, are you sure and positive way.  (As in oh angels, you sure you got the right person?!!!)  I used the cards on a diverse group of people -- as in my family!  I have been using them for a little while now, and have grown quite comfortable in knowing that the card I draw is the right one (and very often the same one I drew before).  Which, if you think about a deck of 50 cards, which I shuffle and shuffle and shuffle, and have only drawn maybe 10 of the same cards over and over, is pretty validating.  But then again, I am a believer and that's all there is to it.  So when I drew certain cards for the non believers -- I was amazed at how dead on the cards were for THAT person (even if they thought it was all a bunch of hooey.)   I am not going to go into specific detail, because one of the cards instructed me to keep it to myself (because obviously people think you are crazy so why make it easy for them, right?!!!!) but through a series of different things I ended up at a website about shamanism.

I am not really sure that shamanism resonates with me -- to the degree I would suspect one would resonate with something they are supposed to "get into," but somehow I ended up finding a workshop that was outside of Boston, and I signed up.  It happened very quickly and without thought, and after I did it, I thought, really?  Is it really in me to wander about the woods with a drum and talk to the animals and trees?  Then I realized, I have been doing that for YEARS (sans drum) and the one exercise I did a while back where I was supposed to put my hand on a tree and just be, I remember it being so freaky I never did it again.

Freaky how?  I could feel the tree -- and I don't mean on my hand.  So why did I freak out and why did I then just walk by the tree and not acknowledge it?  Fear.  The fear of the unknown, the fear of having it stir something deep within that fights the fact that you can talk to trees, I guess.  There is an enormous pine tree in my front yard, and I sit at my desk and I am parallel to it -- I look out and we are staring at each other.  I look at this tree a hundred times a day, and now I realize that I draw strength from it.  Which then takes me back to my old house where there were also pine trees across the street, but they were tall and skinny and I always expected them to fall over.  In other words, I not only did not draw any strength from them, but they were yet another concern in a life full of many concerns (baby, job, relationship, shitty house ...) bad trees!

I look out at my (grandfather, grandmother?) of a tree, I take a deep breath and I continue on with what I am doing.  In the course of writing this I have done that about five times.  It is my touchstone (touch tree!) and it is magnificent in its size and strength.  In other words, it has some to share!

As soon as I signed up for the workshop, I ran for the angel cards with the basic question of are you shitting me?  The card I drew gave me the chills and I haven't drawn for two days.  (I apparently am a bit of a baby letting all these things freak me out!)  And I think if I drew one now it would be the one that says to keep things close to the vest -- don't be so open and honest that people think you are a wack job. (My interpretation of the card!)  But then, this morning Jesse Ventura was on Good Morning America, and I remembered that I liked him -- because he is so into conspiracy theories and even George Stephanopulous was like, Really Jesse?  And I laughed and thought, Jesse doesn't care, why should I?  (I don't, really, and since I've never been one for following directions, from angels or trees, obviously I am showing off my wackadoodleness with great glee!)  But seriously, there has to be a middle road between a sheeple and a wack job.  Right?  It can't be everyone either goes with the flow, or against it?

Earth Angel.  That is the card I drew today.

Oh, and the reason I started this blog this morning was because the book I have been writing is no longer an urgency ... as in, while I can write, it just doesn't seem all that satisfying.  I guess that is because I am supposed to go out and chat with trees and birds.

SQUAWK!