This is an excerpt from An Interrupted Life by Etty Hillesum, and it is one of those passages that needs to be read and re-read before it suddenly becomes clear that most of us probably do make ripples, try to be interesting and of course want to be thought fascinating by the outside world.
And why do I read such books? Why do I absorb (or attempt to anyway) these profound statements? Well, it's simple. I do it to undo the person I become when I am undone by others.
For example:
This morning Charlie had a hard time waking up and he was grumpy. He claimed that he had showered the night before, but it sure didn't look like it. And if not, he had been pretty badly in need of a shower yesterday; so what did that mean if he hadn't? He was super dirty? I became irritated. When I came downstairs, with only minutes to spare before we had to get into the car, he clearly hadn't made any attempts at breakfast. Now let me be clear. I have gone out of my way to be the super breakfast mom: I will make anything; I have even tried to duplicate the sausage, egg and cheese sandwiches that he likes to get at the corner store.
But he tells me everything I make is bad. Jerk.
I asked him, in my irritated-knowing that he hadn't really taken a shower but had lied to me tone-what had he had for breakfast?
He said a banana. I looked at the banana tree. There were still three bananas hanging from it. The same three I planned to freeze and had checked upon the day before to see if I needed more bananas at the store, which I had purchased and were still sitting on the counter in their plastic wrap. Liar. He hadn't eaten a banana. I called him on it. Yes I did, he said. Where's the peel? I asked.
Fine. He admits he didn't eat a banana. As he is trying to search his brain for another lie, I tell him he HAS to eat something. I am beyond irritated now. I am sick of this dance. The lies, the avoidance, the same old CRAP of a morning with a teenager. As his mother it feels as though it is my job to strap him down and jam food into his mouth. Why?
Because he is a jerk when he hasn't eaten. The moment food floods through his bloodstream he perks up and becomes another person. Food is his insulin, if you will, and for whatever reason he fights it. Claims he isn't hungry. DRIVES ME INSANE.
I quickly buttered a corn muffin THAT HE MADE last night and threw it into the microwave to heat it up. In the car, with both of us seething at the other, I told him to eat it. He said no. I said that made no sense. Last night he ate five, this morning none? Because you only eat corn muffins with soup, he replied.
Halfway down the hill I was consumed with fury. I hit the brakes and turned to him: I'm not taking you to school; this is a PARTNERSHIP where you do your part and I do mine. I drive you two hours a day, and I will BE DAMNED if you don't reciprocate by eating some food in the morning so you can be human.
He managed to fiddle around with the muffin to make it appear as though he was eating it, only to appease me. (Because when I got home and picked up the "napkin" to throw away, the muffin minus a small bite was gone. AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.)
I made huge efforts to be nice, despite the fact I didn't feel nice at all. I was mad. I counted to 100 before I asked him (nicely) to check the mirror so that he could see that perhaps he'd missed something when he washed his face. He ignored me. I commented that it was a beautiful day and I was sorry that I had forgotten my camera because the steaming field with the grazing cows, the colored trees behind that and the full moon in the blue sky was beyond beautiful.
He said nothing.
I went over it in my head a dozen times that my mood affects his mood and then I kept returning to the fact that every once in a while it's just too much work NOT to be in a bad mood, and why can't I have that luxury from time to time? Which would start the pattern of being mad all over again! Ridiculous.
So after I dropped him off and told him to have a wonderful day, I drove home and tried to only enjoy the beauty of my surroundings. It truly is beautiful, but so sad that I have to try so hard sometimes! Which is why I pick up books that say things like:
"Become simple and live simply, not only within yourself, but also in your everyday dealings. Don't make ripples all around you, don't try to be interesting, keep your distance, be honest, fight the desire to be thought fascinating by the outside world."
I will take a passage such as this and just ingest it slowly. I will take deep breaths and try to restore the peace within.
I hate Mondays.
I mean, Mondays are wonderful, a perfect time to launch back into the schedule of life. How wonderful.
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