Not lost in transition

Whenever a season changes there is always a transition to make. It is no longer possible to wear shorts hiking into the woods because it is cold. But my brain has trouble accepting this; and I hike in shorts a few times with goose bump legs before I then go too far the other way and wear a fleece pair of long pants. Then I am hot and I have to try to remember, what exactly is it that I wear to hike in the fall?

Why is it so hard? Why don't I have a pile of clothes marked Summer Fall Winter Spring? Yeah, why not? Because then that would mean acceptance, and I never accept the change of seasons with any grace. I am a pit bull with bad manners who is watching a band of thieves charge across the yard. I growl and bare my fangs and the hair across my body stands up and I have an evil glint in my eye.

And then I get over it, discover that it's this particular pair of mid-weight pants I wear coupled with the fleece jacket and gloves, and I move on. So to speak. But it takes a few weeks, if not longer!

And once I let myself get over it, I am usually delighted to remember that it is now vest wearing weather and I ditch the flip-flops and pull out my clogs -- those that have a few inches on them so that I am now a new, taller person out there in the world. As I begin to dig deeper in my closet, I unearth other items of clothing I have completely forgotten I own. If I was a glass half full type of person (and I am, I just like to write grouchy!) I would view each change of seasons as a way to re-experience my wardrobe; and of course fill in the gaps where a pair of jeans has more holes in them than is fashionable (which in this day and age is quite negligible, because it's hard to find jeans on the rack without holes!) or a favorite shirt has to be replaced by a new one because well, you can only pull off the "oops, not sure how this shirt got on my back," look only so often.

So with the temperature transitions and the "what to wear," transitions, also come the lifestyle changes. With the end of summer comes a new schedule; no more sleeping late or lounging at the dock. Now we have to be somewhere at certain times, and well, that is really a drag and takes some getting used to! It takes a few weeks to adjust to new schedules and get a feel for them, and reclaim old experiences like being alone in the house for extended periods of time!

Today, Hallie left for Chicago. She has been here, off and on, since August, with more on than off the past few weeks. I have enjoyed having her here; and have spent much of the day wondering where she is. Usually in the morning she comes down the stairs in search of the smoothie I have left for her in the kitchen. Then she goes into the living room, snuggles up under a blanket, and sits in there for hours with her laptop and books. She has been studying for a big test she is taking next weekend, so I've tried to give her the space for that. But she hiked with me a number of times, was always willing to do whatever I suggested, and so was, in truth, a built in play date for me!

And now, she is gone. She has been gone for a long time; she never returned home to live after her freshman year of college. And when she returned this summer, we had to transition into having a full-time third child in the midst. When I considered things like dinner; I had to think of five people, instead of four. And of course, there was the car issue. Four drivers, three cars. Never a very solvable math problem! And so, just like the seasons, we now have to readjust to a new family dynamic of four, not five. We now have enough cars, but we also now have an empty bedroom. (Which you left very clean Hallie, thank you!)

I have felt very rushed and hurried the past few months. I haven't felt tucked under a blanket of equilibrium -- a sense of floating and staring up at the sky and shutting out the whole wide world. I haven't felt as though I have had enough sleep, or enough time to read, or to do anything I like to do, really. Part of that is external, and most of it is internal. There is a rush inside of me to get things done (in fact, I keep glancing at the clock wondering when I have to pick up Charlie, due to the fact that this time last year I would have been on call as middle school ends just now. Funny how our internal clocks are tuned into the old as well!) But the new situation means I have no idea when Charlie will be picked up, there is no consistency. The new fall schedule is no schedule of pattern!

Oooookay!

I also can't get adjusted to the cold. It will come, I know this, but the transition of being in a house with all the doors and windows open and spending as much time outdoors as possible, to being inside a heated dwelling with no fresh air is tough. I love to be outdoors. And I love to curl up by the fire and read, and you can't do that in the dead of summer! So it's all good.

And I am sure in a day or two I will stop feeling as though the house is empty, but will instead embrace the fact that the lack of stagnation in life is what keeps us living.