The middle of the middle

I have always disliked the term "middle-aged," and I don't really know why.  I've shied from it, never applying it to myself, sure that it meant something old.  I know people my age who already talk about being old, and I find it appalling.  I am not old, but recently I "got" what middle-aged means.

While it still has a derogatory, old feel to it, to me, I think that it seemed less scary in context when I thought about it from a different perspective.

I was sitting on the beach in Florida, my last day, all alone.  This in itself was remarkable, after many weeks of lots of people coming and going, but I actually felt lonely, which is odd for me.  And it was because I was on a beach surrounded by groups of people, talking, laughing, swimming, playing games. And I thought to myself, you have done all of this on this beach.  You have been a sister, walking the beach with your own siblings.  You have been a daughter, walking the beach with your mother.  You have been a mother, walking the beach with your children.  You have been a wife, walking the beach with your husband, and you have been a friend, walking the beach with friends.

It was two women talking animatedly as they passed by that started my thought process.  For a moment I was jealous, because I was alone and they were together, talking.  But that is when it dawned on me, as I watched first a young couple stroll by, hand and hand, and then a "middle-aged" couple (if you will!) go by, not talking, not holding hands, but still, together, that I had had it all.  Every scenario that passed my gaze I had experienced, and I thought to myself, wow, how lucky is that?

And that is when I thought, so this is what the middle is!  It is that precipice of time -- that trek to the top of the mountain -- where you stand on the top and admire the view.  The climb up represents your youth, your relationships that resulted in marriage, having your children, your career ... all of it.  And not everyone gets to take advantage of viewing the landscape before it disappears, slowly, as the downhill trek begins.  And downhill can represent whatever you want!

Not sure why I fell into that metaphor -- because it's not what I am trying to say.  What I felt, sitting on that beautiful beach with the sun gazing down on me and pelicans diving into the surf was sheer gratitude.  This is such a golden time -- when children are no longer a full time job, but more often than not fascinating and interesting people and when we still have our parents in our lives ... even though we are being reminded that this won't always be so.  This is the dawn of that new day ... that day when our parents will leave us and our children too, will be on their own.  And it is as though I was given a nudge to keep an eye on that sunrise ... because if you look away, bam, the sun is up and the glow has passed.

I hate reading metaphors; I don't know why I insist upon writing them!  I guess because it is hard to come up with words to describe something that is more a feeling than anything else.  It was such an awe-inspiring thought process ... it really opened something up inside of me ... something deep and god help me, I am going to say this, awesome.

For me, the middle (though technically if I am accepting the badge of middle-age-hood, then that means I have to live to 98!) is an amazing place to be.  There is so much promise in the unknown ... what does the future hold?  I don't know!  What I do know is it does not hold me driving any one anywhere on a daily basis; or the worry of whether I can get someone to the point that I have brought them (ie graduated from high school, or well on the way).  It is often said that the most important job in the world is to be a parent -- and I have never taken that lightly -- but it is such an incredible sense of accomplishment to cool my heels at this point and see what my dedication has reaped.  I was not a perfect mother -- no such thing I suppose -- but I produced perfect kids, so I must have done most things right! HAHAHAHA. 

It isn't often that I have a hard time expressing myself (in words) but I am not able to say what I feel in this situation.  It was very profound and lingering...a week or so later I am still thinking about it, still feeling it.

Behind the house in Florida, on the canal.  I was so excited that it was actually going to RAIN!

I am home, alone at last, and thank heavens the sun is out.  I can see that spring is ready to pounce and it is time to think about my garden.  Yesterday I went out to see if the garlic I planted in the fall had done anything, and it did!  I am so excited!  I know, weird, but there really is a thrill in watching plants grow.  I think I stare at my plants more than I eat them!  While in Florida, every day it was blue sky, 80-plus degrees and of course, quite easy to take.  But one day the sky behind the house got really dark, and I was really excited!  Just having something different to look at -- black sky versus blue -- but it reminded me that I am far too mercurial to live in a climate that is always nice.  I like to complain about the weather -- it is what we New Englanders do -- and with good reason!  But what happens when you have grey day upon grey day and then suddenly it is sunny, is that you appreciate it.  I came to accept that every day would be sunny and gorgeous, and when there were a few clouds in the sky, my thought was what is this!  We can't have these clouds floating around messing up bluebird skies!

I don't know.  I constantly think I would like to move.  But where?

This dolphin remains in the same place and goes from boat to boat to say hello (or get food).  What is it about dolphins?  I don't know.  I love the addition of the stars -- so that is what the sun looks like when it sparkles on the water!  (this is my photo, stars not photoshopped!)

I need mountains.  As soon as I started to see them while driving home, I definitely realized how much I had missed them.  Ups and downs ... they really do add a lot!  I am clearly not cut out to live on level ground with the sun shining all day, every day.  Go figure!