Burn baby, burn

My plans for 2013 were to enjoy it to the best of my capabilities -- I was determined that turning 50 was going to be nothing but a huge celebration, all year long. 

I created the enormity of the milestone in my head -- I realize this.  Everyone, if they are lucky, turns 50, so it doesn't make me any more special.  What I was trying to achieve was that to me, it wasn't a horrible thing.  I know plenty of people my age (hahahaha) who suddenly speak with an aura of ageism that I tend to cringe from.  "We are old now," "gosh I am old," "it sucks getting old," and so on.  These are not phrases I permit in my vocabulary because I am not old.  Therefore, I wanted to take the opportunity of this birthday and make a big splash and show a different approach to turning 50.

I traveled, which was my intent, but the first trip to Mexico was shadowed by the death of Peter's father despite everyone's attempts to make it otherwise.  The death of a parent is a milestone as well, and it's not fair to carry on as though it never happened.  I could see a collision of milestones -- a 50th birthday, a death, a wedding -- and realized that this is life.  It seems as though we go through life not really able to completely immerse ourselves in the great events of our lives because we are just too damn busy.  I thought that at this stage of my life maybe I would have more time to process events as they happened, but as I look back over the past year, I realize that's not what happened.

The next trip to New Mexico for another wedding and a fabulous balloon ride with Hallie and Jeff took place only a few weeks after my own father's death.  Or passing, or whatever phrase makes you feel comfortable.  At that point I was pretty messed up, but managed to pull it together and I was thinking that I was doing the "fake it until you make it" thing really well until I realized that I had totally and completely messed up on when our return flight was -- and thankfully discovered it in time enough to jump out of bed, pack, return the rental car and get on the plane, where at last I took a deep breath and wondered how the hell I let that happen.  It was so unlike me.  SO UNLIKE ME.

It was clearly a symptom of repressing what was really going on and just carrying on -- when in fact, I was in no shape to do so.  Last summer Peter and I lived with his mother at the lake, in the small cottage, partly because we love the lake and the cottage, but mostly because we didn't want her to be alone after losing her husband only a few months before.  It was fine in the earlier weeks when she was somewhat disoriented and learning how to be someone she'd never been before, but as her strength grew, so did the apparent colliding of two strong women's ideas of just about everything!  But I repressed my feelings and carried on.  And I do want to point out that our relationship is great -- but we are essentially two generations apart, she could be my mother's mother -- and I grew up entirely different than Peter did and the constant focus on meals has worn my patience down to a very sharp sword.

I did not explode, but when his sister insisted we vacate the cottage in order to have a "friends weekend," it was kind of the proverbial last straw that smashed the camel's back.  I could go on ad nauseum about the inequity of the cottage world -- where Peter does EVERYTHING and everyone else shows up unannounced most of the time and look for food and fun, but I won't -- because I am letting it all go.  And with that comes the realization that that would be impossible if we moved in for the summer.  And quite frankly, Peter's mother at 92 is in better shape than half the people decades younger than she is.  She doesn't need to be taken care of -- that is her role, she likes to take care of people, and right now I personally need to take care of myself.

Navigating all of this is taking up far too much time, and there is a burning inside of me that is actually literal as well as figurative.  All of the things that I have read about peri-menopause is coming to fruition for me -- I am letting the old go and seeking out the new.  I don't want to be anyone's full time mother, or dutiful daughter-in-law or, or, or, or ... or anything I was I guess!

After my father's death I assisted my mother in cleaning up loose ends, dealing with insurance, all of the things that go along with someone's death, and that was fine, but then I noticed she was actually waiting for me to get things done.  My mother is not old -- she is 72 -- and more than capable of taking care of herself.  She just didn't want to.  Here I am, at 51, looking at a 72-year-old and a 92-year-old and thinking, I will not be either of you.  They are my role models for everything I don't want to be -- and this is not an insult to either of them -- it is just my truth.  I do, however, want to be parts of them.  I want the financial freedom that my mother has to travel and really do anything she wants and I want the physical and mental agility that Peter's mother has -- and having watched her all of these years, I understand fully the impact of regular exercise and the need to have a purpose.

But her purpose really, really, really doesn't fit my needs now.  She wants to feed us, she wants to tie us down and have us commit to meals and while that seems completely reasonable, my burning fire inside roars into life at the thought of it.  I DO NOT WANT TO BE TIED DOWN!  I do not want to do anything I don't want to do -- I am like a two-year-old ... I am egocentric and obstinate and I don't care how my actions affect others! 

And I ask myself, don't I deserve this?  That wonderful, happy-go-lucky year of celebrating 50 really kind of sucked.  The first half was shadowed by Peter's father's death and then turning our world upside down and living at the cottage and not spending or devoting any time to my own house, yard and garden, or Maddie, who will not stay at the cottage, which was frustrating, and then spiraling right into my father's illness and subsequent death.  The only shining beacon in a year of darkness was our amazing and life altering trip to Hawaii -- where we gelled as a family unit in such a way that I realized, they were all I needed!

So this is my year -- this is the year of deep awakening, of spiritual practice, of shedding the weight of years of obligation and empathy and truly thinking that people need help.  I don't think anyone really needs help to the degree that I think that they do -- I don't think in the end it really helps all that much.  That must come from my ego, which has thankfully been taken over by that two-year-old who doesn't care if anyone needs help or won't shut up because they are driving everyone nuts.  It's burning inside me, raw, deep, guttural, flames licking up my throat, lava spewing out of my pores -- I am ready to pitch a fit at any moment -- I am powerfully powerless of my actions, I am openly open to new paradigms -- I don't want to grow old taking care of my family, I want to grow old with them, playing with them, watching them fail and succeed and letting them make the mistakes they choose because that's what living is all about.

So pull up a chair and sit by my fire.  I will keep you warm, but I won't go out for anyone.

The period has not ended the sentence!

Shall we have a little chat about menopause?  Or peri-menopause, that lovely term that is supposed to encompass all a woman goes through until the day she has entered menopause forever and a day.

I was lucky for the majority of my adult life in that my period did not run my life -- and in my family, that says a lot!  My mother and sister were (are?) heavily affected and often explained many situations due to PMS.  I just didn't have it, and therefore didn't get what they were talking about.  I had what I termed "change of season" periods, where I got a small glimpse into the PMS world ... but they were so infrequent that I hardly paid attention to them other than to come out on the other side and think, wow, I think I was actually depressed!

Once I started to experience symptoms of peri-menopause, my first thought was that I would gut it out, take nothing and get to the other side with a minimum of pain and suffering.  What I didn't expect was the sheer exhaustion that overtook me.  I am not a napper, and the ONLY time I had ever become so tired I could hardly make it to the couch, was when I was pregnant.  So that made sense, a hormonal oversurge was coursing through me, and my body was mimicking being pregnant.  Fine.  Except I wasn't, and there was no way I was going to hit the couch everyday!  There was that, and I literally felt as though my uterus was falling out.  I think this can actually happen, but everything felt all wrong "down there," and I didn't like it.  So I was suddenly faced with two issues that I didn't feel prepared to live with, and I started doing research.  I had narrowed it down to a holistic clinic in Massachusetts, when I came across an over-the-counter all natural remedy that was cheap and it seemed worth my while to try.   So I did.  It was about two weeks before I noticed I was back to myself.  Or the new self that I am, because as women we don't really ever have a touch stone of "self" to return to, because our lives and our bodies and our minds are constantly changing.  Constantly.

So that has been at least a year or so that all has been good -- I take my little green pills three times a day (religiously I must add!) and I use a variety of supplements that are all known to help, like maca powder and flax, and I throw in hemp seed, chia, green powders and the like as well.  I do not experience hot flashes EXCEPT when I am about to get my period.  And then they are fairly benign, more of an introduction to a hot flash ... I can feel the things friends talk about begin to happen, then it dissipates.  I do, however, have one day before my period where that exhaustion thing kicks in and I have given up fighting it, because it just prolongs it, and I just kind of do nothing until it passes.  But that is what prompted this blog today ... one because I think as women we need to be talking about it because it is such a minefield of choices, we need to share our stories.  And two, because my period, which has been irregular for a long time, but had seemed to find a pattern of regular irregular, seems to be shifting into a new pattern of regular irregular!  I went 34 days since my last period, and yet I expected it to come about 12 days prior to that, and actually experienced symptoms.  But no period.

So I actually grew excited that maybe this was it!  Maybe I had crossed over to the other side and I was going to be free!!!!!

Yeah, no.

So I pulled out my calendar and realized that two months ago the same thing happened ... a huge span of at least ten extra days, and so I guess the new regular irregular is all over the map!  In December it was 26 days (between periods) in January it was 33, in February it was 20, in March, 25 and in April, 34.   (In case the universe cares or is listening, I am all for the 34 days thing ... the 20 is tough, kind of like having your period all the time!)

So I wanted to see if there was some way I could regulate irregular periods, and the first thing I read was that irregular periods can affect women between three and TEN years.  And all of the things I could do to treat the problem, I am already doing.  It is due to rising and falling progesterone and estrogen levels.  Blah blah blah.

So, no party to celebrate the passing of this cycle that is really at this point, just a pain in the butt.  (Well, I guess not the butt) and I suppose I should just be happy that it came with no warning, and I am not the least bit exhausted ... so that is a plus, right?

What is really amazing is that this is still something a woman comes into with very little knowledge and wisdom from others.  My mother went on hormone replacement therapy and while it delayed her symptoms for a decade, once she went off of them when they were deemed unsafe, she was left with one confused body.  I personally have to believe that it is a natural part of a woman's life ... and have gone along with that for years, as I have been reading about it all along.  But when certain symptoms hit you that are untenable to live with ... suddenly you panic and think that there is no way you can spend the rest of your life feeling like this.  Sure, it is an over-reaction to a perhaps temporary issue ... but I still think the majority of us are hit with this thinking that it is OUR problem alone.

And it's not.