I think I cracked through

 

Now that I no longer feel heavy and overwhelmed, I've taken a step back and examined yesterdays thoughts and feelings.

I have never been one who is prone to depression, I am generally even-keeled emotion-wise and unlike many members of my family, I am not burdened with PMS symptoms that are downright scary!  (I am not pointing fingers here, really!)

But in exchange for that, I suffer serious "change of season" periods -- a phenomena that I actually recognized several years ago, but I believe I've had all of my adult life.  When I say serious, I mean, I get depressed and all the other PMS symptoms that some people deal with on a monthly basis and I don't even know what is going on until I am out of it.

Yesterday was not about that -- it was something else.  But it still involved feeling down and uninspired and blah and I think I was channeling spring! LOL  

Let me explain.  (Or have you run away?)

Before a flower comes out of the ground, it has to push through dirt.  Dark, heavy dirt.  And while I am not really channeling spring, I am using that as my metaphor for coming out of the dark doldrums of winter and opening up and coming out of the dark earth and into the light.

Get it?  Into the light?  (Don't they say if you have to explain too hard you're not doing a good job of explaining?)  Well, listen harder then!

But not really winter ... but unconsciousness!  And ... because I fight everything, it couldn't be a smooth transition -- it had to hurt a little.  (Have I written this already?  I am experiencing de ja vue).

I feel as though I have cracked through -- I don't feel overwhelmed today, I feel inspired.  I don't feel heavy, I feel as though I could float -- my entire body is all tingling and full of energy.  (I haven't even juiced or had wheatgrass yet ... I have been typing non-stop for hours!)

And I am ready to continue on with my journey.  (Yesterday I attempted to watch the webcast of A New Earth and just couldn't do it.)  Today I am ready to hear what I couldn't handle yesterday.

Yesterday evening Peter said to me "I see you are leaving your car in the driveway, (as opposed to the garage) I guess it is spring."

I heard him say "You are lazy, you never put your car in the garage," and I said so.

And he said "That is your perception.  I was actually saying it because to me it is a sign of spring, and I like it."

And I thought ... really?  Did he actually say that is my perception?  Because he is right!  And so I agreed with him (about it being my perception) and then tried to get over myself.

I wonder if he said that tonight if I would perceive it the same way?

What a difference a day makes, huh?

Am I awake already or what?

Okay, so it's back to A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle.  It's been awhile, and it's been awhile since I've read it because it is in a word ... overwhelming.

But today I was determined to read the entire thing -- because it seemed as though I had been stalled at Chapter 5 forever.

All I managed to get through was Chapter 6 and half of 7.  It's kind of freaking me out.  It's as though the book stops me and makes me process things before carrying on.  (Well okay fine, not the book, but the force.  The force be with me.)  Damn force.  Which is not the proper word, I guess the word I am avoiding is consciousness.  Because I don't like it.  When the word unconscious is uttered, I see some poor soul laying on the ground, out like a light.  Unconscious (and therefore hurt).  And when I say conscious, I have no visual.  I don't see the same person who was laying on the ground hurt standing up and unhurt.  I have no touchstone for conscious, and I guess that is half the point.  (I don't really understand that half of the point so I am not going to be so bold as to say it is the total point!)

Anyway, all these thoughts that I am not supposed to be having (because thoughts are ego-based) are all over the place and they are bogging me down.  Literally.  I can feel the weight of all these thoughts (that I am NOT supposed to be having) and so I went into the present moment and took a few deep breaths and said that now was all there was and I was out like a light.

I was rendered unconscious!  (Fell into a deep, deep sleep).

So what is up with that?

I'll tell you.  This book is KILLING me.

And I think that is the point.  (The whole one this time, ha ha).

What I read today basically brought me to the understanding that I am resisting this whole thing.  Which is me to a "T."  It's not that I don't like change, it's more that I don't like not controlling things.  And to give yourself up to the moment is letting go of control.   And my ego, my strong, well groomed ego is working me -- making me think that I am all evolved and ready, even letting me believe at times that I am letting go.  But I am not.

Now, in this war of my essence versus my ego, I win the battle whenever I recognize my ego at work.  But ... with more of these swirling thoughts, I realize that you can not fight anything, for resistance brings persistence.  So I am just in this whirlwind getting nowhere, being ejected from time to time into the light, but getting drawn right back in when the wind chooses.  

From the book:

Nonresistance is the key to the greatest power in the universe.

Well, you can be sure that was a big lightbulb moment for me.  But where do I get me my nonresistance pill?

Inner resistance to form -- whatever is or happens -- is a denial of the absolute reality of form.  Resistance makes the world and the things of the world appear more real, more solid, and more lasting than they are, including your own form identity, the EGO.  It endows the world and the ego with a heaviness  and an absolute importance that makes you take yourself and the world very seriously.

I found it interesting that I felt bogged down, that I can literally feel the weight of this whole thing and then to come across that paragraph ... and to find that I am not feeling all that in front of the door to enlightenment, but smack dab in the middle of ego -- well, it's frustrating.   So is the metaphor the more you feed the ego, the heavier you feel?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

So really, this particular entry is to mark my frustration and my complete and total lack of awakening on any level.

But ... form means limitation and we are here not only to experience limitation, but also to grow in consciousness by going beyond limitation.

So ... it's all good.

Right?

I am off to now watch the videos on the two chapters I've just read, and I will report back with any new tidbits that might make more sense!

Shot again

It happened again last night:  I was shot.

I was standing on a dark city street and my thought was "I probably shouldn't be standing here," and out came a couple, a man and a woman, and the next thought I had was relief, "oh, I am not alone," then one of them raised a gun and shot me.

"Not again!" I thought, and then woke up to a less jarring feeling (the last time I literally felt a whoosh as though the blood was draining from my body).  This time, it was just in my stomach, and I felt a tingling that spread, kind of like when a rock hits the water and then the circles grow wider ... that is what I felt throughout my center.  And while that was happening I was consciously thinking "nope, just a dream, it's happened again."

I am assuming that this is all about my "enlightenment" but I have to say, it's a little disconcerting.  I was scouring the Internet for more information on gunshot dreams, and this explanation appealed to me: a gunshot is a spontaneous discharge of energy similar to a lightening bolt.

Like BANG, there goes the fun Lisa, the Lisa that gets to pick on persons, places and things!

Nah, my personal interpretation is that as I become more aware of what I am learning through A New Earth, old beliefs are falling away, and that is kind of like a new person being reborn.

I was reading the book this morning and I noticed that I kept closing my eyes and retreating into myself, focusing on the aliveness in different parts of my body, basically taking an "awareness break," and then returning to my reading.  Because it is heady stuff, and because I am always, always, always consumed with thoughts and I just don't see how any of this works without thoughts!  And yet ... I kind of do.  It's like ... it's like a word that is on the tip of my tongue, I know what it is, but it just won't come.  That's how I feel about all of the information in the book.  I get it!  I just don't get it.  You know?

I was watching the fourth installment of the webcast with Oprah and Eckhart Tolle today and everything they discussed made sense to me.  The fourth chapter is about roles the ego plays -- and I can look back through my life and see the roles I have played, and actually felt as though I was playing a role in many instances!   There is nothing wrong with a role (mother, doctor, woman, daughter, etc.) the key is just not to identify with those roles as your total being.  I have never done this to any extreme -- I think many of the aspects of this chapter come naturally to me -- like I am a mother but it's not who I am and I've always known that my role is to guide my children but not to smother them or believe that I always know best.  And I don't do guilt -- and I never have, and that was one of the questions that came up ... how do you avoid feeling guilty about not being a good mother, etc., and I thought, "oh, I don't have that problem!"  (Is this my ego talking?  I think so, I am squirming in my chair again like I am great ... geesh).

But here is something to ponder.  A Zen master stated:  "His need to win drains him of power."

To have mastery in any endeavor you must be 100 percent present.  

I am working on this!  But man, then I think, well, I am often thinking of five different things at the same time, and if I am doing that, well then again, how can you think all the time and be present because the thoughts are like little black flies buzzing in your ear demanding your attention and ... clearly my problem is focus.  I need to F O C U S.

And I didn't do that did I in this entry?

Well I don't care, I don't feel guilty :P

Living in the moment

Peter always needs to do, do, do.  He believes that if you are doing nothing (which constitutes any type of activity that is pursued sitting on your butt, like writing, reading, meditating) then you are WASTING your day, life, whatever.

Once upon a time I bought into this.  For like a day or two.  But I was sitting on the deck that Peter and his father had built the weekend before, basking in the sunshine and reading the Sunday newspaper, when his father walked by with a ladder towards some unknown project and commented how I was wasting the day away.

Oh, really?  Then why build the deck if you can't sit on it?  Why are newspapers printed if it is a waste of time to read them?  Who invented deck chairs if sitting on them was a WASTE OF TIME?  And I realized that no, I wasn't wasting my time.  I was being.  And therefore, from that day on, I became the anti-worker around the house.  I was done.  Don't ever tell me I am wasting my time, because I will only do it ten times more, if only to bug you.  So it was a stand of stubborness mingled with the underlying feeling of what is the point of working all week if you can't ever enjoy yourself?  Balance is huge.  Peter doesn't have it.  None of his family really does.

And I was fine with the disengagement.  But not totally.  For many years I associated my identity with being a working person -- I needed to be a working person, a person with a purpose, a job to go to everyday and therefore not WASTE the day away.  I bought into it, and when I stopped working, it took a long time to stop feeling as though my days were frittering away like sand through open fingers.

But those days are long gone ... baby!  Oh yes -- I love waking up each day to the mountain of possibility.  But each day Peter wakes up to ... the need to do something.

Back to A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle:

The ego knows nothing of Being but believes you will eventually be saved by doing.  If you are in the grip of the ego, you believe that by doing more and more you will eventually accumulate enough "doings" to make yourself feel complete at some point in the future.  You won't.  You will only lose yourself in doing.  The entire civilization is losing itself in doing that is not rooted in Being and thus becomes futile.

Well, the good news is we all just got free passes to be lazy!  I mean, if we are doing then it means our ego is being pushy and we really need to ignore that ego!  Oh, I can turn things around, I am a spin doctor .... yeah yeah.

No, seriously, there is doing and there is Being.  And you find Being in the still, alert presence of Consciousness itself, the Consciousness that you are.  Human is form.  Being is formless.  Human and Being are not separate but interwoven.

After reading that I kept thinking Human Being.  We are called Human Beings.  Doesn't that sound so weird?  I am a human being.  I think this is what the book talks about when your mind gets jumbled in thought!  If I am a human being, does that make Peter a human doing? HAHAHA.

So what if you don't know who you are?  What if you don't know what it means to be yourself?

If you can be absolutely comfortable with not knowing who you are, then what's left is who you are -- the Being behind the human, the field of pure potentiality rather than something that is already defined.

This really goes against anything we have even been taught.  What are you going to be when you grow up is one of the first questions we are asked when we are little.  Well, I don't know, you will answer, but you will quickly see that that is NOT the right one!  So if you really don't know, you will say doctor, lawyer, indian chief.  (Well at least that's what I said!) and they will roll their eyes because again, you didn't answer the question properly.  But there was Johnny over there with his arms crossed over his chest and he would close his book and say "I am going to be President of the United States," and the adult would beam and say that is wonderful Johnny.

Kiss ass.  Never did like those Johnny's.  But now I know that NOT knowing was the right answer!

In form, you are and will always be inferior to some, superior to others.  In essence, you are neither inferior nor superior to anyone.

So ha Johnny!

So this morning, while I was laying in bed reading, Peter came along in an incredible burst of doing, commented on my perceived laziness, rushed off, returned later to comment on my perceived laziness, I then read him excerpts from the book and basically told him his perpetual state of doing was futile and he asked what that meant and I said he needed to learn to chill and then ... he sat in a chair in the living room all day and watched TV and then said he didn't feel good.

So I believe I sucked out his essence of being by saying he couldn't do and therefore he is deflated and empty.

There was no mention in the book of this possibly happening.  I may have to insist upon a disclaimer, like smoking is hazardous to your health on cigarette packages, this book will have to say that reading this may be hazardous to your doing.

And the other thing -- when he is doing he is not being in my space.   Hey, you can't save everyone ... one enlightened person at a time, let's not get crazy here.