For a limited time only, Negative Nelly returns

Alright, alright, alright ... I couldn't do it.

When I heard the announcement on TV this afternoon that the "stinking pile of cow patty with a marshmallow in it" bailout bill was rejected  I thought, oh, hmmm.  What does that mean?

Then later, the Dow hit the skids, and well, we all know what that means.  That is Wall Street saying F-YOU mothersuckers, you want to play dirty?  We'll show you dirty.

Big deal.  Oh, I know, I mean, I know it's a big deal, but my point is, to hell with all of them, politicians and financial "experts" alike.  Let's sink!  Let the filthy rotten ship hit the real bottom, not the fake bottom.   I haven't lost millions and millions in paper money and quite frankly, I also didn't over-extend myself and buy into a mortgage I couldn't afford nor do I have astonishing credit card debt.  I didn't take a risk on buying something I couldn't afford in the hopes that I'd be able to sell it real fast and make a huge profit.  I didn't lie, cheat or steal.

So when I have the President of the United States, the same lying, cheating, rotten son-of-a-bitch who has been lying and cheating the past 8 years say that something is a good idea, then my instincts say RUN FOR THE HILLS and pack your canned goods Marvin, because this man don't know squat, he's just one big weapon of mass reconstruction.

One financial expert was saying we are on the edge of the cliff, and he isn't too sure what that means.  What, exactly, does it mean if we save all these financial institutions with money we don't have?  I have tried to get a grasp on it, and tonight I was treated with a moronic explanation on WORLD NEWS TONIGHT (as opposed to Moron TV where I would have expected to find such a presentation) that was presented in cartoon form with noxious sound affects explaining to me how a dollar bounces here, and bounces there, and it creates all these good and wonderful things for the people, but when the banker man gets nervous, he won't send out that dollar to bounce around and make wonderful things happen for the people.  The stupid cartoon did not mention the bank president was in Laguna Beach in his mansion staring at his 45 million dollar view waiting to hear that his sorry ass was being saved.

I have no patience for it.  If we're going to sink, then let's sink big.  Let the whole damn world fall apart so we can start that do over I've been talking about.  Oh yes, it will hurt for a bit, maybe a long bit, maybe forever, I don't know.  All I know is that President Bush has no clue and in the end does he really care because he has every set up for every type of potential disaster that could befall us waiting for him on his ranch in Texas.   He's so over his head he is probably drinking 24/7 anyway.  I know I would.

I say, as we peer over the edge of the cliff, that it might be a long fall, but when you look behind, there's not much there, just a barren wasteland.  Maybe down there there is hope.  Up here, not so much.

But in the end, the bailout will happen and that dollar will start bouncing at certain segments of our society -- and eventually people will once again be able to over-extend themselves with money they don't earn nor have the potential to earn and the "economy" will thrive once again and ...

What I find so ironic is that the politicians were afraid to vote against what the people (the people who voted for them to represent them in Washington) wanted because there is an election coming up.  Doesn't it seem pathetic that the rest of the time they do whatever they damn well feel like?

Okay, okay, I'll stop.  I promised not to do this, and now you know why!

Well, I can't stop.  I can't pull my head out of the sand and not mention the Saturday Night Live spoof with Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin being interviewed by Katie Couric (Amy Poehler).  At one part THEY DIDN'T EVEN CHANGE THE WORDS.  They used the exact same comments that Palin said to Couric.  Imagine that!  They were so discombobulated the first time, they didn't need to be re-written as a joke.

I say what the hell -- let them take over the government, it's a laughingstock anyway, and all those crazy people who think that Obama should not be president because his middle name is Hussein will probably end up dying of stupidity anyway and ... I think NOW you are beginning to understand why certain blog subjects did not make the light of day.

I will, for real, stop now.  I'm starting to scare myself.

Reporting from the darkness

I have three incomplete blogs that I have abandoned between yesterday and today because I decided I didn't want to discuss politics any further because I was starting to freak out, and I didn't want to discuss my reaction to other people's reaction to the candidates because I was starting to freak out, and then I sat in a chair for about an hour and wondered why it affected me so.

And I decided it was because I let it.  And because I was buying into it, reading about it, immersing myself as usual in something I can do nothing about and as usual, it was making me crazy.

So let me tell you, the view here in the sand is purty.  It's a little hard to breathe, but so was it up there, with the sky falling and all.    And this is where I am going to remain until I can slough off all the negative ions that have been clinging to me and sinking into my pores.  My body brush got quite a workout this morning -- or my body did -- as I raked it with the sharp bristles in an attempt to remind myself that I am ALIVE, damnit, and all this crap is just that -- C R A P.

So I am going to take myself to a different place -- I am going to concentrate on positive energy, positive whatever, so that I will reinstate my regular positive outlook on life and then, and only then, will I extricate myself from this self-enforced darkness.

So ... just for kicks I googled HOPE, and then when I was taken to all these God-centric places, I rolled my eyes and said for crying out loud.  I did, I said that.  Because if you are turning to google for those answers, you are screwed!  And well, we already went over that already -- the key is to avoid the entity holding the screwdriver.

So then I walked away from the electronic sinkhole and gazed out at the trees that are starting to change colors and took some deep breaths and made the decision to avoid all news for a few days.  And especially the blogs that unearth all the crazy, nutty wack jobs that make up our government and population as a whole.  And then I returned to the electronic motherlode to report this.

Because that is what I do!!!!!!

When I'm not being an ostrich.

You say you want an evolution ... yeah, yeah

I was out with friends tonight and the subject of college came up.  Several of them have high school seniors who are looking at colleges, and they were discussing the process.  Then we talked about how things had changed, how when we were at the same stage our parents never went to look at colleges with us, never made lists or went through the process of how to finance it.

Isn't that weird?  How can things change so drastically in the passage of 20-plus years?

There has to be some clue, some small bit of information, that lurks within this equation.  I know that sounds like a ridiculous statement ... but seriously.  It's like the word that is on the tip of your tongue ... I want to say it.  I just ... I just can't.  When we were seniors in high school, did we not have as many options?  Was it not as mainstream to look at lists of colleges?  I had friends who did, certainly, but I had just as many who didn't.   These days, if you are going to go to college, then it's a BIG DEAL.   It's not about applying to a college, it's about finding the perfect college for you, and the only way to do that is to visit loads of them.

When I was in high school, I was that kid that didn't really fit in.   Not socially -- I had that piece down okay, just academically.  My parents wanted me to go to a private school, but I was stronger than they were:  And I said no.

There is no way to replay this situation.  Would I have been better off?  Would I have "done something spectacular with my life" if I had taken a different path?  What path would that have been?

Probably.  I remember an acting class in high school where we were told to improv -- and I just let go -- I let my personality and energy take over and ... and I performed.  And I can still see that teacher's face -- she was shocked.  And then the class ended, and she said to me, well, that was something.

And then she never said anything again.  Nor did she encourage me, and so I closed up.  And I guess that's who I was at the time -- that person looking for recognition.  Oh wait, I was like any person -- any person who was vulnerable, a teenager who opened up.  Geesh!  And she shut me down -- not deliberately I am sure -- she in retrospect was no one, but at the time she was THE PERSON who could have made a difference. I was seeking something from her, and ultimately she failed me.  But I suppose I failed myself for giving her that power.  Oh, if only we could chart the course of our lives when we were in our 40's versus when we were stupid kids who didn't -- and absolutely could NOT -- have known any better.

That is the part of Charlie that I see so clearly -- the way he shuts down (to protect himself) when he doesn't get the recognition or encouragement that he so desires.   I challenged teachers and they weren't in the mood, end of story.  He runs into this, but on a different level.  He doesn't challenge them academically, he challenges them in some manner that makes them see something they don't like in themselves, so they lash out.  Maybe I did this too -- maybe my need to learn more than the rote lesson plans they had been teaching their entire careers spoke to them, said hey, you're a boring teacher.  And so they shut me down.  Because they could.  But ultimately, they didn't really.  I saw them for who they were.  Uninspiring people who had a job.

I hated school so much.  And think how lucky I was that they could never take away my essence.  But I am afraid that they have with Charlie.  And I will always know that I could have done better.

Which is why private high school isn't a luxury, but a necessity -- so that maybe, just maybe they will have a teacher who isn't so abused by the system that they will smile and give encouragement so that my child will return the next day and grow.  And continue to grow.  And blossom.

Hey.  My parents tried -- and it was my daughter who decided she was going to take herself on a different path.  It wasn't me that suggested that prep school was the answer.  She figured it out all on her own.  And here I am, in the background, saying oh yeah, MY CHILDREN will get the best education possible.

We all want that for our children.  But our children ultimately lead the way.  No one has ever been able to harness me -- to point me in the direction of the path of least resistance.  My parents never had a chance -- and I guess neither did I.  The best advice my parent's could give me was that I couldn't beat the system.  Beat it?  I wanted to explode it!  And I still do!  And it should be -- demolished and rebuilt into something that makes sense.

When my daughter decided what she wanted, she more or less told me what to do.  And I listened.  I am always open for new solutions and new ideas!

I've always been a strong person, but I have unearthed my weaknesses along the way, and even though they are still my weaknesses now, I am constantly trying to fix them.  I want to grow, I want to be a better person -- and I've always wanted to give my kids everything I could.  And that particular conversation made me realize, we are doing more for our kids -- because we can.

I have three children, and each one is so different and amazing and talented and themselves.  There is so much of myself within all of them -- and then not so much.  I begrudge them nothing -- they owe me nothing.  I am proud, I am disappointed (not in them, but in my inability to give them every ounce of my being) and in the end I just really like them.

I can remember when Hallie was little, I would go to bed and then think "oh no, I didn't read her a story before she went to bed."   And I would feel awful.

Then when Maddie was a baby, I would put her to bed and think, "oh no, I didn't read her a story at all today."  And remember that when Hallie was little I would feel bad that I hadn't read her a story before bed, even though I had read her countless stories beforehand.

And I would think ... well, when Hallie was little you didn't have two small kids.  But none of it ever made me feel better.  I felt negligent a lot of the time.  I tweaked my life constantly trying to be the right mother.  I did a good job -- I do know this.  I know this because it was my priority, and I tweaked my (real, ha ha) job around motherhood and that was all okay too.  But I was always left wondering ... could I do more?

Oh Gawd yes, one can always do more.  But probably more to the detriment of the child than anything else.  I suffered through the daycare decision with Hallie -- month after month after month, I took her to work with me, sure that it was the right decision.  When she was a year old I put her in daycare.  Was I a horrible mother?  Because gosh, work was sure a lot easier without having to push an infant around hoping she would fall asleep so I could get something done.  And she seemed to love daycare.  Loved it.

And one wonders why I waited seven years before I had another child!

I guess my point to all of this is that I listen to my friends talk about visiting colleges with their children and all of it comes back to me -- all of it.  The daycare decisions, the decisions to have more children, the constant battle between finding the balance between work and being a mom, the concern that I wasn't giving everyone enough attention, the feeling at the end of the day that I had failed everyone, including myself ... and what the hell was the point?

There is no point ... there just is.  Life happens, or life is planned, but either way you are presented with these situations that you have to contend with.

And I'll be honest.  When life became too overwhelming, I figured it out.

And I'll be honest again -- life for me now is not overwhelming at all.  And you know what, that doesn't make figuring out what is best for your child any easier.  Odd, huh?

So whether or not you are a working parent or not -- being a parent is a challenge.  And it doesn't matter if you managed to get one child out of the nest successfully -- because children are not Pringle Potato Chips.  They are not exactly the same and they do not fit together snugly in a canister. 

(I guess when you resort to metaphors you are done.  So I am done.  I am an average parent with extraordinary children -- like all of us.)

I guess that is evolution.

Screwed and shaken

I am a bit dazed and confused after watching the debate between McCain and Obama.  Not so much from what they were saying, as that I didn't realize we were so screwed.

  I mean sure, I knew there were problems in the world (heck, read my blog, it's my favorite subject) but I don't think I've spent 90 minutes in a row thinking about all the wrongs in the world and the fact that they are really not solvable.  Not within the immediate future, if ever.

Forget about the financial disaster that has come out of nowhere (ha ha), and the war in Iraq, I guess I hadn't considered (despite the recent Georgia conflict) that Russia, despite being within hailing distance from VP Palin, is another big baddie that must be contended with.  So screwed.  Soooooo, soooooo screwed.

There is really only one answer:  We must have a do-over.  We must throw in all our assets, chips, borders, and iPods and start from scratch because the rules have long since been whited out and forgotten.  And anyone knows you can't play a game if you don't know how.  And EVERYONE knows that when you play a game with everyone's own different rules, fights ensue.  Bitter fights.  Kinda like wars.

So like I said, we're screwed.  And while McCain and Obama assured me that they had the dictators and regions down -- McCain was spewing out names clearly his tongue hadn't actually used before tonight -- I didn't get any warm and fuzzies from either of them in terms of saving our sorry asses.  Their pitiful banter about the state of the economy left me cold and McCain's insistence that we are winning the war in Iraq infuriated me.  At the very least I felt vindicated that Obama pointed out that HALF the problems that are being cleaned up (or what McCain feels is a victory) over there were caused by us.    But overall I just felt kind of sick.  

Because nothing is really going to change in the next four years because the hole is too deep and the shovel too small.

Do-over.  It's the only way.

It's like an Etch-a-Sketch.  You start out with all the patience in the world, and you create a pattern that is very logical and then all of a sudden you start to run out of gray matter ... and the little ball starts to get looser and then pretty soon you realize it's become a black mass of nothing.

So you shake it and start again.

We need to start shaking.

Like yesterday.

I'm just so easy

I don't think that I am gullible or naive, but I am often ready to take my clothes off and jump into bed with the sweetest talker. (This is a metaphor here!)

Have I always been that way?

I don't know.

Today I have been very full of something ... I have been a walking well of bubbling energy in the form of thoughts and ideas ... these tantalizing pieces of crazy yet solid notions that are floating before my eyes and I just stare at them ... dazzled.

I could reach out and touch them, but I don't want to.  I don't want to take anything in hand and examine it further, because the beauty of an idea or thought is that it's not any more real than you want it to be.  And then, if I do delve deeper, I get sucked in and ... naked if you will ... and then later I look over at what I was just so passionate about and think ... how do I get out of here without being seen?

And are you wondering what the heck am I talking about?

When I used to interview people, I would feed into their excitement as they told the story of how they built their business and got where they were at that time.  I guess I tapped into their energy and let it flow to me, and I became a champion of their vision.  It didn't matter whether I was interviewing the CEO of a top software company or a one-person start-up ... to me there was no one story that was better than another ... no person with a more superior idea.  I thought they were all worthy of having their story told.  I loved all their stories.

I remember one time I came back to the office all stoked up and ready to write after my interview.  This was par for the course -- I left nearly every such encounter on a high -- and I had the story forming in my mind, the bits and pieces of our conversation floating about, weaving itself together before my hands hit the keyboard.  My brother asked me who I'd interviewed, and I told him that two guys had created this calendar that had a different URL on it for each day -- so that every day this one website would get all these hits.

You have to understand, this was a long time ago, so pre-Google that such a word would have made me roll my eyes much less think that a search engine named so oddly would be popular, or that a search engine NEEDED to be popular.  This was before many businesses even had their own websites, this was before anyone really knew what the hell to DO with the Internet.

I thought the calendar idea was great -- partially because I wrote a column that told people where to visit on the Web and why -- and partially because I was jonesing for some new sites  -- and this was a motherlode of 365.  Wooo hooo!  

Well, my brother scoffed at the calendar, said it was stupid, and what was the point of a site getting a bunch of hits on one day?  (Well, I hadn't asked that question.  I think because the answer was really who cared?  We just wanted the Internet to have a purpose at that time, and if we had to make it up as we went along, then so be it!)    So as I sat down to write this particular story, I wondered why I HAD gotten so excited?  It really was kind of a stupid idea once I really thought about it.  And really, the main story of that time was that all the majority of the population could think about was how to MAKE THE BIG BUCKS by creating absolutely nothing of value and selling it and making a ton of money.

And I saw that ... I was on the front lines, and I suppose if I had been a journalist worth my salt I could have really written some incredible pieces.  But instead I just got excited with them, as they came up with one stupid (or brilliant!) idea after another.  I jumped into bed with them and rolled around in the sack and I gave them one hell of an ... article.  

And now, this many years later, I realize, I was too easy.  I was a floozy with a laptop.

And I haven't really changed at all.  I still buy into people and ideas -- I get excited by them, I get obsessed with them, I jump onto the bandwagon and I blow the loudest horn.  I believe, I believe so deeply that it comes out of my pores ... until it makes me so tired I can't think any more.

And I guess that what I am trying to say is that it has to stop.  I have to stop being so easy.  I can't just buy into something because someone else is excited about it, or because they have me convinced that it's the wave of the future or the end of the world or a conspiracy theory or that the oil is going to dry up and the financial system is going to crash and that we need to stock up in order to survive the end of the world as we know it, or that neither Republican or Democrat candidate will change one damn thing or that ... or that all of that is probably true and there is not a damn thing **I** can do about it anyway so why not just assume the fetal position and let it happen as it will.

It has to stop.  I need to find a way to channel my energy and keep it on a steady course and not give it away willy nilly or take on someone else's frantic dose which then scrambles mine all up.  I need to find my own way and chart my own course based on not what I read or hear, but on what I know is true.   I've read and I've asked and I've listened and I've watched.  And now there is only noise -- noise that has been created in order to thwart action.

So I leave this crumpled bed and I will not return with just anyone -- because I am no longer easy.   

Just so you know.

But you can leave the cash there on the bedside table ...   :P

Sarah Palin's personal emails vs. FOIA

This is, this is, this is ... YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

This means that if the Republicans are elected, we will have TWO people in charge of the country who completely don't understand technology -- or the basics of email.  Clearly she had a weenie password, not to mention a fricking YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO account in use for official state business (Government officials are required to use official accounts which are then retained as government records).

But, screams her "peeps," it is a violation, no, it's a CRIME to hack into someone else's email.  Okay.  Not going to argue there.

But what about the Freedom Of Information Act?  This law that ensures public access to U.S. government records.  FOIA carries a presumption of disclosure; the burden on the government -- not the public -- to substantiate why information may not be released.  Upon written request, agencies of the U.S. government are required to disclose those records, unless they can be lawfully withheld from disclosure under one of nine specific exemptions in the FOIA.  This right of access is ultimately enforceable in federal court.

Sarah Palin is the governor of Alaska, therefore she is a government official.  The email account she was using was not an official account -- and was this on purpose?   It seems so.

How many of us have screwed up in email?  Forwarding something that also contains a long conversation attached to the bottom with information you don't want certain people to read?  How many of us have easily "hacked" into other people's email accounts and read it?  (I'm going to raise my hand here, it is incredibly easy and soooooooo fun to spy.  Let me just say it this way, company email accounts are RARELY private and people are incredibly naive and trusting.)

So, here's another thought.  If I was governor of anything, and then all of a sudden on the path to the White House, I would consider myself open game to the cazillion people out there who are equally as smart as me and SMARTER, and I wouldn't utter one word on email that I wouldn't want said cazillions of people to see.  Which brings us back to maybe **I** should be vice president because I at least get that.  

I'm tired of it all.  I'm tired of this campaign, I am tired of the amount of money that is being sucked into this crazy game called politics, I am tired of having the airwaves be full of stupid commercials about the fact that Sarah Palin was against the bridge to nowhere, when in fact we all know she didn't jump on that bandwagon until it was the only wagon to be on.

I am tired that today the news is about stupid (and completely unexciting) emails that Sarah Palin wrote to people that should have been written via her government account, but then again, president's have been amending this law to keep their information "pertinent to national security," or otherwise known as lies they don't want to get out, declassified, so via the strong vehicle of lawyers this country loves to employ to keep justice from ever being meted, this entire stupid stupidity will all come to naught, because in the end, who really cares if Sarah Palin does anything right?  

Besides me, I mean?

So those on Sarah's side will just talk about how the hacker's were wrong and completely dismiss the FACT that she doesn't do things by the book, the government official book that is, and those of us on the other side of THE BRIDGE to nowhere will continue to pack our bags so that we can move to another planet if the Republicans BY THE GRACE OF GOD because we know they are praying (or cheating, I get so confused) get into the White House for another four years, because this planet will be done in.  

So Chicken Little and I are going to wrap this up and then go write a nice trojan horse program that will end this Internet nonsense once and for all.

Can I do that?

I don't know.

Can Sarah?

Wanting to be the crazy woman

It has turned cold here, in the mornings anyway, and yet I refuse to put the top up on the Jeep because ... I don't want to.

For the most part I use it as my "fair weather" car, and when it is cold or rainy I use the other one.  I am of course quite lucky to have such an option.  Last week when I met my sister and her group of friends to hike, I had taken the Jeep despite the chilly temps.  It was a cold ride over, but later in the day it was fine.  At the end of the hike we were standing around, and several of these women commented that it was a cool car.  Then they asked if it was cold to drive around in.  My response was that yes, it was chilly, but not unbearable.  And then I said, "It's not my only car," which in retrospect sounds kind of snobby, but it's not how I meant it.  And from the looks they gave each other then me, they took it NOT as I intended!

What I meant was, I had a choice to be cold.  Of course that is not going to translate through "it's not my only car," but in my mind it did!  In truth, all I have to do is put the roof on and I'd be fine, but since it's NOT my only car, I just kind of think of it as not having a roof.  Get it?

Well, probably not, I know I am odd.  Which I think is what I want to be!  Get it?

No, probably not.  Just saying you are odd is not the same as actually being odd.  And I am not really odd, because what does that mean?  I just want to be unique.  There, that is a better word.  And yet why do I want to be such a thing?

I was driving Maddie to school today and she was freezing.  She was not dressed up in a heavy fleece coat and a winter hat like I was, and she kept saying I was ridiculous.  Which of course is the point!  Which she didn't get.  Or did she?  Maddie likes to be different too.  So I told her I want to be the crazy woman.

There used to be a woman in town who drove around all four seasons in her purple convertible with the top down.  She wore a crazy hat with a flower in it, she was quite colorful all around.  And memorable.

So is that what I want to be?  Memorable?  Do I want to be "that woman who drove around all four seasons in a Jeep with the top down?"  I guess kinda sorta!  (Though I am telling you right now, the coldest it has been while driving thus far is the low 40's, and I can't imagine going much colder!)

Or maybe it is as simple as I just like the idea of doing something that is a little crazy.  Sure, it's cold, but it's invigorating.  This morning I drove through this misty area, you could hardly see through the fog, and then all of a sudden it was gone, and there was blue sky and sun and it was like, wow!  That was cool.  Then I had to drive back into it on the ride home, and that was kind of cool too, the moist air all of a sudden surrounded me, I could feel it as I breathed in, and then up ahead I could see the sun working its magic and making it evaporate.  Let's face it, you don't even consider such things in a closed vehicle.

I don't know what it is about this car, but I enjoy every minute I drive it.  Even in the cold!  Even now, when I am switching throughout the day between luxury car to Jeep, every time I climb into it I think, Wow, I like this Jeep.  It's not as comfortable as the Toyota, certainly not as smooth a ride, and yet, there is SOMETHING about it that I can't get enough of.

And if that makes me crazy, then cool!