Stirring the pot

I love it.  As state economies take a nosedive, it is suddenly in vogue to consider legalizing marijuana, or at least it is here out west, where the little planties thrive in massive illegal crops that are making a lot of money for some people (and the government is starting to think AHA!)

I think all illegal drugs that have created a market for thugs and underworld creatures should be legalized, taxed and put on the free market to erase the middle man who takes all the risk.  It is hypocritical (in my mind) for it to be illegal to inhale, ingest and eat certain types of drugs, while it is encouraged to take pharmaceutical drugs prescribed by doctors that are basically the same thing. 

Like prohibition, the drug trade is a huge industry that creates massive amounts of money for the sector of society willing to do something illegal for gain.  I love the show "Weeds," where a suburban housewife who suddenly loses her husband and livelihoood turns to selling pot as the only way to keep herself in the lifestyle that she is accustomed to.  The lure of all that money keeps her embroiled in all the craziness the drug trade brings, and it's not so out there that it doesn't make sense!

I don't know if legalizing drugs would erase the drug cartels ... I don't know if they would just go out and kill all the government officials (because that is what is happening in Mexico) but it's just another one of those things that seems so silly.  Think how many people could be released from jail for drug crimes.  More money saved.

I would love to know the argument for NOT legalizing drugs.  I mean, because we the people are not responsible enough to monitor ourselves?  I can't think of a time in my life when I couldn't GET drugs (not that I have, I am just saying ...) and I don't exactly fit the profile of a major drug user.  (Well, I guess I could, I suppose there is no specific profile, but take my word for it, I am not a major drug user!) and I suppose I should probably not make such statements either because this is not a sane world.  But during the time of prohibition, it's not that people didn't drink ... and I don't know of any alcohol cartels in this time (well, some states, but that's another topic!)

Anyway, I am open to being made to understand why keeping drugs illegal makes sense.

The art of communication

I have maintained close relationships with a group of women that I "met" when Charlie was a baby, and over those 13 years we have bonded and keep near-daily contact with each other.  We call it our "loop," and we know all there is to know about each and every one of us.

We met in person several years ago at a beach house in Delaware ... and oh how we laughed.  We have been through births and deaths and divorce, kindergarten and high school, college and more.  Ages range from mid- 30's (now, so some of us were quite young 13 years ago) up into the 50 range.  It has always provided interesting perspectives (depending on the topic) and I can't imagine a life without the loopers.

I find communicating via e-mail to be very rewarding.  I don't find it impersonal, nor do I feel disconnected from someone that I communicate solely through the ether.  And I am also finding that Facebook is a great way to stay in touch with an even wider range of people.

So, being away from home for so long would seem like a hardship in terms of being in touch with family.  But, as with Hallie, I find that emails, instant messaging and phone calls really can bridge the gap of distance.

The other morning I was IMing with Hallie in Macau as she was getting ready to go to bed (I had just woken up in California) while I was watching a video that Charlie had put on Facebook.  Then Maddie IMed me, and there I was, first thing in the morning, completely immersed in communication with my children.

There are always daily phone calls and these videos, which the kids just discovered, and they really are quite hilarious.  Maddie has SUCH a sense of humour, and we were all hovered around the laptop last night as I showed them to my parents and brother.  Charlie did one where he was dancing, and hey, it's good to know that he's getting some cardio while I'm away!

There is one member of my family who does not do the communication thing well ... at all.  And he is feeling as though I have been gone a very long time.  He doesn't do email, certainly wouldn't go near Facebook, doesn't even know what IM means and can hardly tolerate the telephone.

We are in an era of constant communication.  Our children text each other constantly, update their antics via facebook constantly and upload pictures of whatever they did that day.  I find it fascinating ... what does it all mean, this constant being in touch?  Is it good?  Bad?  I don't know!  What I do know is that the one person in my family who doesn't utilize all these tools feels out of the loop, out-of-touch and as though I am very far away.

Longing for my Jeep

Even I know I talk way too much about my Jeep.  I love my Jeep.

But here I am -- out in JEEP country.  Without my Jeep.  It's like torture.  One road after another, custom debilitated for a JEEP ... and I have to walk it.  I see my Jeep go by, and I yearn.

One hike after another is on a road that should not be traveled by anything but ... my Jeep.  The rental car is a Jeep Patriot.  Read: SALLY CAR.  The front end feels as though it is going to fall off, it shakes, rattles and rolls.  It is not equipped to take these crazy roads, and yet, I feel so sad that I am in the land of JEEEEEEEP.  Without mine.

Such Jeep envy, it's hard to keep in check!

I picture myself driving across the country in the Jeep -- and realize, I would have been a crazy pscyho had I attempted it.  It is loud, uncomfortable and I might have hit Chicago before having a full-fledged nervous breakdown.  But oh, it is so hard to see these Jeep people driving in their Jeeps, while mine is tucked away in a garage in NH, totally neglected and unloved.

Yeah, I'm weird.  No argument there, but I walk on these roads and know how much FUN it would be to trek over them in the car that was born to drive these roads and I feel so BUMMED!  Oh well.  At least it is good exercise!

Hanging with the self

Yesterday I did what is called "journey work," which is when you retreat into yourself and see "what comes up."  I began at 10:00 in the morning and did not literally open my eyes until 2:00 P.M.  It was pretty wild.

The things that "came up" blew me away in that they were so not what I expected.  Because no matter how hard I try I am unable to drop this weight I have been carrying for 20 years, I truly expected there had to be something big -- some deep dark secret that I'd embedded into my cells and stuffed down and comforted with food.

But the truth of the matter is that it was a series of teeny tiny events that INFURIATED me, as a young child, to such a degree that I began to internalize my anger and I believed that it was my job to take care of everyone and everything.

The sheer simplicity of it somewhat blows me away, but it has given me new insight to the idea that small things make a difference -- negative or positive.  I've always thought along the lines of a grand scheme.  If I have a party, it has to be a big party -- if I have a small dinner party, then I will make something extra special.  But why?  Because somewhere along the line I decided that small things didn't matter, when really they are all that matters.

After the session I was to spend the day in silence, with myself.  Oh my!  Not an easy task.  Since this meant no reading, TV, computer, etc. I was basically left to either lay on my bed or sit in a chair outside.  I did this for several hours, I played around with energy and this poor bird didn't know what was happening!

Seriously, this bird landed at the top of a tree and it was right in my line of sight.  I stared at it and threw energy at it and when it went to fly away, it came right back.  I was delighted to see some proof that this energy stuff works, so I threw out even more.  The bird tried to fly away three or four times but kept returning.  It wouldn't get any further than maybe two feet from the branch when it "had" to return.  When I laughed it seemed to break the "spell," and that bird got out of there fast!

But you can only torture birds for so long ... you can only meditate for so long ... I was going a little bonkers.  By 7:00 p.m. I had the computer on my lap!  By 9:00 I was watching TV.

I am not perfect and I am perfectly fine with that!

Hiker's Paradise

Before I came to Sedona I saw a picture like this of a woman sitting just like this and I said "that is what I am going to do."

I love it when you reach your goals!  Even if they are as simple as climbing the red rocks of Sedona.  This particular hike was called "Cow Patty Hike," and it was explained as very easy since you drove up most of the way, and it was about three miles total. 

Well.  I had chosen an easier hike because until LAST NIGHT I haven't been able to sleep.  I toss and I turn and I have crazy dreams and all kinds of variations of my previous post and the night before this hike I maybe got three hours of sleep.  Brutal.  But I want to get a hike in everyday, so off we went.  (My mother and I.)  But the road was absolutely unbelievable!  The rental car is a Jeep Patriot, which has low clearance and is NOT a worthy Jeep, and let me tell you, I was DYING that I have a Jeep at home which would be perfect out here and here I am with Wimpy Car.

So.  I am not afraid, so we start up the road.  Oh my.  From my map it said that it was 4.8 miles to the trailhead.  About half a mile in (going about 1 MPH) I said to my mother I didn't think I could take much more.  I had to keep pulling over so Jeeps (of worthy quality) could pass and after going down this crazy patch where the ditches had rocks sticking out and I thought OH NO! I said I would rather walk on the road then deal with this ridiculousness.

So that's what we did.  We had gone exactly ONE MILE!  So now this quick little hike had gained a few miles.  Okay.  So off we trek and the scenery is amazing, and then this wonderful man stops and asks us if we are hiking to the top and I say yes, and he tells us that we don't have to walk the road, that there is this trail that meanders along the creek.  And sure enough, right before our eyes was this most FABULOUS trail.  Oh.  I kid you not, I felt as though I had died and gone to heaven.

 

Doesn't this look like something you've seen at Disney?  FAKE?  I know.  I know!  It's crazy, you feel like you are in some place that truly isn't real.  So, off we trek, and I am in heaven, big smile on my face, the trail is the best thing since sliced bread because it meanders back and forth across the creek, and oh!  There is nothing I like more than jumping rocks across a creek.  I don't know why.  Love it.

And this trail goes all over the place.  Soon we are headed in the direction of not-so-red-rocks, kind of granite-like and covered with snow.  Which was fine, I thought of everyone back home in the cold climate with snow and you know?  Happy to be here!

I was actually happy to find that I was up to the added mileage and the hike was perfect.  We reached the top and sat down and chowed down on a little trail mix and chatted with some people up there and then climbed up to the top of the red rock (where the first picture was taken) and I sat there and meditated a bit, and this WILD wind came along ... and I was truly at peace.

The different landscapes were incredible; one moment you were walking through "the enchanted forest," the next it was like the river raft ride at Disney, and then you would come back out of the woods and it would be red rocks as far as the eye could see.

Today we went on a short hike.  It was later in the day and I went through my book and found a loop that said it would take an hour.  So off we went and I am telling you, there is just no way to describe the surroundings.  This trail meandered between two rock formations and then around it.  It wasn't an especially difficult hike, but I was a little concerned because the trail was difficult to follow because so many people had ventured off the beaten path, so you really had to stop at times and try to figure out where to go.  I was standing on top of a little hill, gazing out at the rocks, when I heard coyotes.  Hmmmm.  You know, coyotes right where we are headed.  Interesting.  I wondered, what does one do when faced with coyotes?  Heck if I know.  I picked up the pace and my mother asked me what was the hurry?  Well, hmmm, the sun is setting and I have no idea if this is TRULY a loop because well, does one ever know, and there are coyotes screaming and well.  I am a little, well moderately freaked!

I was pushing on and then I came to a high point and could see the parking lot.  PHEW!

Not for a second do I pretend to be the ultimate hiker.  I have nothing but deep respect for the wilderness that surrounds us -- and not for one second do I believe that I am prepared.  I try to be -- yes.  But this is unfamiliar territory and I am constantly on the outlook for snakes (I swear, I'd faint) and yesterday my mother said there was a skunk by me, and I just pretended it wasn't there.  And when I am in the midst of a hike and the sun is setting.  Yeah, I'll admit it, with the coyotes singing in the background, I get a bit freaked.

Hiker's paradise.

Love it.

Red rock world

This is a picture taken on my first hike in Sedona on Sunday.  It is about a two minute drive from the house and you see these formations everywhere.  This is Bell Rock, and the hike took you around to the other side and then we went up about halfway.  People did climb to the top, but it's a little freaky, as the rock is very smooth and dusty.  I was on my butt sliding down from the height we went, not sure I could go a lot further up.  It's not like you can get a better view in a world where views are everywhere.  When I took this picture I said, "it looks fake."

So.  I think my bedroom is on an energy vortex!  Why?  Well.  On Sunday night I woke up at about 3:30 and could NOT get back to sleep.  After several hours I did fall asleep and I was in a dream, but it was very vivid and I kept asking, is this real?  Am I awake or asleep?  I just couldn't tell, because the dream originated from my bed.  I opened my eyes because I could hear something banging, and there was a cabinet with two doors that kept opening and closing.  I thought, uh oh, what is going on? Then I was laying on my back and I felt this incredible flush of energy go through me, it was all I could do to catch my breath, then all the furniture in the room started to move (think poltergeist here or the exorcist!) and I was FREAKED OUT and then the bedroom door started slamming open and shut, and I thought, well THAT has to wake up my parents.  And I thought, wait a minute, I think I am controlling this, so I started to think in my mind OPEN SHUT OPEN SHUT and the door went NUTS.  And I kept saying to myself it's okay, it's not scary.

And then I left there and I was at a place, like a mall, and I went to a counter and asked a girl about money, like, what is the meaning of it?  Where can I get as much as I need, and when she opened her mouth it came out all garbled.  And I said, I'm sorry, I didn't understand you, and she repeated herself, slowly, but it was all gobbledygook.  And I thought, no, the answer isn't money, and so I kept looking around the mall but I wanted to go back to my bedroom, so this girl said she would drive me, and she was cute and blonde and we were driving and she turns to me and says THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT YOU MUST LISTEN TO ME, and I was like, okay, and she said My name is Mesopotamia ... you must remember that.  IT IS VERY IMPORTANT.  Then she made faces and hand movements that I was supposed to mimic as some sort of ritual or whatever, and then I was back in the bedroom, and there was no energy swirling around, but the place was a mess -- everything all over the place.  And I asked myself, what is going on?  And there was a note on a table by the bed (and some false teeth on the rug which I found odd!) and I reached for the note and it sort of jumped off the table and fell to the floor and the pages started multiplying, and I thought to myself "this just figures, now I am NEVER going to figure it out," and then the feeling of IS THIS REAL started going through my head again ... and then the phone in the house rang and I woke up and looked quickly around the room and was like PHEW.  It WAS a dream.  

I went to the other room and answered the phone, but no one was there. (It was 5:30 a.m.)  My mother was on the other end too.  I was SO THANKFUL for that phone waking me up!  I was really stuck in that dream, and I wondered, did I make the phone ring some how?  Because it sure felt like that.  The moment I heard it ring I was flooded with relief.

So that was my first night in Sedona.  This morning I woke up at 5:00 a.m. and could feel the energy in my bed.  Well, I know it's not from the bed, but man, it was so powerful.  Not like the dream, no where near, but so obviously there.

Frustrated I moved on

Freaking out!

Well, not really, but still.

I started this book some time ago -- actually I have no idea. Months?  I don't think it has been a year, but I don't know.  Anyway, when I was writing it it was very intense, and I would often find myself bawling as I typed away.  The whole experience was maybe too much, because I eventually pulled back and focused on something else, and interestingly enough, if asked I wouldn't even say this is the book I am working on.

So, I am making sure that I am taking all the things I want to work on on my trip, and I saw this book and thought, Wow.  I'd forgotten about that.  How does one FORGET about a book they are writing?  I don't know.  I know that I found this one challenging -- and that I'd reached a point where I just didn't know where to take it.  But when I have a book in my head, it is all-consuming, and pretty much every moment of my day I am thinking about it, trying to move the plot along, going through 100 different scenarios until I reach one that feels right.  Then I sit down and write (and sometimes that begins at dawn and ends at midnight.)

Now obviously that is a ridiculous way to live a life that contains other things -- like a husband, children, friends, other interests.  But I am an all-or-nothing gal, plain and simple, and if I can't sit down and write until the cows come home, I will opt out, until eventually the book sort of ebbs out of my consciousness.

So I opened up Chapter 1 one of this book in progress and within several paragraphs I was completely spellbound.  OH YEAH!  I'd forgotten this book.  I'd forgotten how compelling the characters are and how they had all but sucked me dry!  And as I found myself sobbing, it all came back to me, how I had written these very words crying as well!  I devoured each chapter, not wanting to change a thing (this in itself is amazing) and was beside myself when I read the last of the last.  All she wrote.

And now, with only a few days to wrap up things, pack and be on my merry way, I am ...

O B S E S S E D.    

I have the pictures of the two main characters taped on the wall in my office.  I have stared at these faces for months, not really seeing them.  Now, they are speaking to me.  (I get a mental picture of a character in my head and then when I see them in a magazine, I tear them out and hang them up.)  I can hear their dialog in my head, and the story, which had somehow hit a roadblock, is now as clear to me as though I've always known it.  In fact, I am not sure where I was blocked!  For I know where it's all supposed to go.  But why?  I don't have those kinds of hours to put in right now.  Is this just to get me excited?  Am I supposed to finish this book in Sedona?  It's SHEEER torture is what it is.

But if I start ... I won't stop.  So I can't even take that cork out!  So I am blogging instead!  You know, I remembered blogging about this and so I looked it up, and sure enough, it was a YEAR ago that this book attacked me.  How odd that it's been a whole year.  The following was blogged on February 5, 2008: 

Attacked by a bug. A bug bearing gifts

And how.  I woke up this morning to find out that Charlie had a two-hour delay, and so I stayed in bed, hoping to fall back asleep.  Instead I started to think of this book idea, and it became kind of strong, so I sat down at the computer, and here I am about 10 hours later, elated, full of energy and three chapters down!

Quite the bug!  I was feverish, writing like mad all day long.  It just poured out.  I have no idea where it came from or what it is about or where it is going -- but it seems to know.  I mean, I obviously have an idea, but each chapter fleshed itself out and I 

 thought at the end of Chapter 2 I didn't have anymore to say, but apparently I did!  I only stopped because people were bugging me.  (It's always a bug of one kind or another!)  I also of course did not deal with dinner, so we are going out to eat, though I'd rather just sit here.

I suspect it will be a late night.  But don't worry, I won't get "writed out" by the book itself.  I believe this blog "unblogged my clog" and there are many, many, many words ready to flow!!!

Yahoooooo.

So, how fun is it that this record of my life exists and I can go back and read that I felt exactly as I do now a year ago?  My journal entry:  Writing a new book.  Not the same as what I blog!

(Just so you know, I spent the last half hour reading through February 2008 blogs.  Very fun.)

Blog out.