May 28
With the milestone of
Charlie's graduation a distant memory (just kidding, it was a wonderful
weekend of family, food, drink, talk, laughter, togetherness ... and a
lot of rain!) now it is time to get to the business of turning 50. When
I turned 30 I was pregnant with Maddie, and well, turning 30 is the
first big number because you WANT to turn 20, though really you want to
turn 21, and there is some cultural yard stick that we have set up that
turns the new decade numbers into Over The Hill, and all that stuff. I
was attending 30-year birthday parties where there were black balloons
and Depends being given as gifts. But that wasn't the 30th birthday
party that I wanted! I wanted a big party, I wanted to celebrate. But
I was hugely pregnant and really, in no mood. At all. So I said that
30 was just going to be passed by, but that was fine, because when I
turned 40 it was going to be a HUGE deal. Enormous. Big.
And
so it was. A trip to Puerto Rico, a huge party complete with big tent
and a band ... good times. But I started the path to 50 right there and
then ... and said that while 40 was all well and fine, 50 was going to
be HUGE! Not just a day, but an ENTIRE YEAR. The turning-50th year was
going to be a blow-out celebration from January 2013 to January 2014.
And
so it has! A trip to Sedona, one of my favorite places on the planet,
was the kick-off trip in February, followed by a surprise gathering of
close friends on the Cape in April, complete with Lisa requisites -- on
the water and with a sunset! In early May, a trip to Mexico and
traipsing around the Mayan ruins -- all before my actual birthday.
Which is tomorrow. And I have no plans, because really, the actual day
is pretty trivial as I've clearly already embraced the concept. To me,
it happens to fall at a time in my life where I am completely ready for
it. I don't look at aging as losing something, but as gaining
everything. With each passing year I become the person I am meant to be
... and that could never be accomplished if I stayed a certain age, or
within a time frame of my life that seemed especially worth holding on
to.
There have been many stages of my life that have
been challenging -- I am not alone in this, of course -- but I have
steadfastly carried on, always knowing that things would get better,
easier, more fulfilling, and with so much more peace. And they have,
and I am appreciative of all of the years behind me, for bringing me to
all of the years ahead of me. I feel poised for greatness, as I have
always felt, but with the knowledge that I am not any more special than
anyone else. And what a relief that is! All those years wondering why
this greatness wasn't manifesting itself ... and being frustrated by
that, but having faith that it would happen.
It's a
process, to have that AHA moment, as Oprah would say, when you finally
realize that the waiting for the greatness to happen is kind of a
waste. The greatness is what has already happened, and whatever that
was -- it was your greatness, it was your life. The cliche "living in
the moment" means enjoy your life, stupid, because you ain't getting
another one!
I used to wake up in the morning
wondering what I was going to do that would be meaningful. This was
important to me, at one time, because I wanted to lead a meaningful
life. As I rushed the kids to get them ready for school, as I threw
some breakfast together so we could continue to rush to that magic
moment in the day when I would know for sure that I had spent that day
well, the hours were filled with so much, a general rushing that makes
me wince now, but that I remember oh so very well.
It
took me a lot of years to relax, and I know that I am fortunate to have
the opportunity to have done so (and continue to do so!) because I have a
husband who doesn't care to remind me on a regular basis that when I
quit work (ten years? ago) it was only for THE SUMMER. I filled those
working hour holes with anything I could for probably at least five
years, which is why, if you think that you HAVE to work, because you
would go crazy "sitting" at home, you really should realize that you
have to re-program yourself. The one thing that I have never concerned
myself with, was worrying about being bored. I am never bored -- ever.
The one thing I love more than anything is freedom -- the freedom to do
whatever I want, whenever I want. When I was a kid, I did not have the
freedom that I craved because of school, which I hated more than
anything. In fact, the only time in my life that I have ever had
headaches, was then. Remove the problem ...
I loved to
work, I loved my job, I loved how I worked at every job at the
newspaper and I loved having kids. But the combining of those two
things was one hell of a loss of freedom! That many years of no hours
to call your own turns you into a bit of a thief -- for the only way to
find the time to do something you love (for me it was writing) was to
steal from someone else. I shortchanged my kids, but I always felt that
I made up for it in the times that I was relaxed from doing my own
thing and would sing silly songs and be in a lighthearted, teasing
mood. Who knows, they are all great kids, I didn't damage them too
much!
June 3
This is always
such a busy time of year, and I left this blog as a draft with the
intent of getting back to it that day. Ahhh, but such a great example
of what it is to be okay with such things ... so what if you don't
finish something right there and then? You can always do it later. As
someone who had to adhere to publishing deadlines, this is a sheer and
total luxury, this laissez faire attitude. I even actually
learned that drop dead deadlines in publishing can be stretched, a
little secret I stumbled upon far too late in my career, but probably
just as well. I am a born procrastinator. Hence the reason my garden
is still not planted. Again, another example ... whatever. It will get
planted and it will grow. Of this I am sure.
What I
really wanted to write about was this morning. We woke up at the
cottage after a crazy evening last night, when the sky turned colors
none of us had ever seen (green and the darkest, scariest black) and
then we had a lot of wind and rain, and surrounding thunderstorms. We
didn't really seem to get a lot of thunder and lightening right over us,
but it was pretty crazy. We were on the dock, looking up at the little
circle of blue sky and sunlight that was literally surrounded by storm
clouds, all wearing wet bathing suits as it was deathly hot and muggy as
it had been for days, and the only relief could be found by swimming,
when the wind picked up. And up ... and then the temperature just
completely changed ... so startling and sudden that Peter remarked that
it was like an evil presence had infiltrated our space. We went from
sweating to cold enough to have to change into sweatshirts! Very wild.
But oh so welcome. 70 degrees never felt so good.
Oh
yeah, back to this morning. Oh how the mind wanders. So it is Maddie's
birthday this morning, and I was trying to decide what we could do to
make it special, when Charlie came out to the porch excited that he had
received notification that he had to build his schedule for school at
Maine Maritime this fall. Maddie told him that there was a way to do it
that she had perfected, and she told him to get pen and paper. For the
next hour at least, I sat beside them and watched as they worked
together to build his perfect schedule. Maddie insisted that he have as
few afternoon classes as could be engineered, and then she tried to
have no morning classes on Monday, she told me to go to some website to
see if there were any comments on professors to try to narrow down which
classes to take in what time slots, and Charlie literally squealed in
delight at some of his course names (extreme sea survival) while Maddie
kept saying 8 classes was a lot, but he insisted he didn't care because
they were going to be SO MUCH FUN!
After the perfect
schedule was obtained, he tried to send it in, but he had to have
lectures matched with certain labs, so that created a whole scheduling
snafu and they had to go back to the drawing board. At this point I
decided to make breakfast, and Maddie had grown weary of the whole
thing, and then Charlie was begging her to keep helping, telling her
that she was so amazing at it, and I just had to laugh ... I love how
they get along and I completely treasured every moment of the morning
... despite the fact that there were so many things to get done. But
this won't happen next year as Charlie won't even be home until sometime
in July, and if I've learned anything, it's just to go with the flow.
How great is that?!
Like this post: It began with the
intent of talking about my birthday, and alas, that has come and gone!
The day that is, not the year! (Friends surprised me at a local
restaurant, it was great) and oh so many days ago I know that I wanted
to impart that ultimately, I have no problem turning 50 and that all I
want to do is celebrate it. But I can't seem to stay on track. It's as
though I want to discuss how focused I am, and present and all of those
buzz words now that I have reached a time in my life where that is all
possible, but all I can think about is the fact that the garden needs to
be planted, the cottage needs to be thoroughly cleaned before Peter's
mom arrives and if I am going to juice, I should probably do it! It is
as though all the things I want to talk about, aren't even really true!
And yet ... they are, because while I am trying to be all Zen, I am
really just trying to rush through this and get to the next thing ...
and yet ... the KNOWING of this is what makes the difference, if that
makes any sense. I am zen, but I'm really not because I've never
really been zen, and I've never met anyone who is, but ... wait a
minute, what does zen even mean? (Japanese school, of 12th-century Chinese origin, teaching that contemplation of one's essential nature to the exclusion of all else is the only way of achieving pure enlightenment).
EXACTLY!
That is exactly what I am not, but what I am totally doing (so
therefore, I am always in a state of trying to reach zen.) I guess.
Does it really matter? Does age? Okay, gotta go, Charlie is ready to
help me in the garden. And that truly does matter!
