Hit like a ton of bricks

I don't know what happened, but I went from being the most healthy person on the planet (read running up steep rock formations) with more energy than I knew what to do with, to a slug unable to get out of bed.

I flew in on Wednesday night and since I gained three hours, jet lag shouldn't have been an issue.  I woke up on Thursday morning feeling fine and then again on Friday, though I still hadn't had a chance to unpack my suitcases as I was thrown right back into "real life" with no time to dally.  Friday was all day standing on the mountain watching Maddie race, and I felt great, even hiked up the hill and was thrilled that the lack of high altitude made the climb feel easy peasy.

Saturday morning it was a little harder to get up.  In fact, my plan was to ski in the morning but that night I'd been attacked by a charlie horse and felt ... tired.  Went and watched Maddie race that afternoon and felt okay, but that is the end of feeling okay!  

Sunday morning was just AWFUL.  I couldn't move.  I could hardly lift my head off the pillow.  In fact, I didn't -- and it was beyond painful to get up at 2:00 p.m. to go pick up Charlie.  It was, actually, kind of scary because I could hardly keep my eyes open.  I managed to get myself on the couch and remained there for the rest of the day.  That night was hell -- I coughed all night long and didn't get any sleep.

Monday morning was a repeat of Sunday morning -- with the thought of having to wake up seemingly beyond my grasp.  Maddie needed to be at school though, and she kept yelling at me.  Again, another ride I shouldn't have been making ... I was a wreck.  Returned to bed and did not move the entire day.

I felt a little better last night and slept much better.  But this morning, though I didn't feel one hundred percent, I certainly felt alive.  I unpacked my suitcases, did laundry, made the bed, cleaned the kitchen, made a shopping list, went to pick up Charlie at school, went shopping, returned home and started to make dinner.  And Charlie said to me:

"It's amazing that you could be so sick yesterday and so fine today."

Yeah, what is up with that?  I realized that I felt FABULOUS!  Seriously.  Somewhere along the path of today I went from being sick to completely healed -- once again full of energy and the will to live.

What the hell was it?  I just never saw it coming.  I was in SUCH good shape, to have it come out of nowhere was so unexpected.  And yet, to have it leave just as quickly is equally as unexpected.

Yeah, I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll BLOW your house down.  Then I'll rebuild it.

You cool with that?

Time for an intervention with Octo-cuckoo-mom

She is firing her free nannies because she doesn't want to be spied on?

This woman needs an intervention, and since she has invited the press into her life and exposed her absolute and total nutty-ness, it is our job as observers of her insanity to step in and DO something to protect the lives of all of these children.

She can't deal with them.  When I had two toddlers I could hardly maintain my sanity.  It's not that she is a bad person -- she's just not rooted in reality.  She figured she could make all these babies and be on TV and all would be good.  

I was subtly threatened that by making certain comments in regards to my child I could be reported to the proper authorities.  And yet, we watch this woman, who has NO CAPACITY to take care of 14 children (due to what proof?  I'll tell you, NO ONE has that capacity!) and stand by and do nothing?

Huh?

I actually refuse to watch TV coverage or read any articles about this woman due to the fact that I don't want to be a part of it in any way.  Perhaps this is hypocritical and naive even, but seriously, I do not want any part of this freak show.  The doctor who implanted her with more babies than a human is made to bear should be prosecuted and this woman should lose each and every one of these children that she made in poor faith.  She couldn't leave the embryoes in cold storage?  She HAD to bring them to life in order to ease her conscience?

I know these simple facts not because I've read them, but by pure osmosis.  Without even wanting to, I hear information on this woman because it's everywhere.  The nanny thing I read on Facebook.

So who is going to do something about it?  Perhaps she should sell the babies -- there are ample people out there dying for a child who would be more than happy to cough up some bucks in exchange.

Is this a disgusting proposition?

No, sitting and watching this story unfold is disgusting.  Something needs to be done before some other crazy chick and doctor (has to be a dynamic duo) go for even more babies to break this record.

This story is wrong on so many levels.  

It makes me very sad.

Take these ruby slippers and stuff 'em!

Coming home after an extended time being away is always a bit of an adjustment -- but the contrast was quite expansive and left me a bit jarred.

Instead of towering red rocks surrounding me, I was walking the aisles of Home Depot and Sam's Club today in somewhat of a daze.  It was like being transported from heaven straight to the doors of Hell and left to navigate without a clue as to why I was there!

Peter kept saying, "Are you with me?" and I kept gazing up at the towering shelves of stuff and shuddering.  What was I doing there?

Well.  Peter re-did the downstairs bathroom while I was gone -- and it looks fabulous.  In fact, it looks almost too good.  What does that mean?  It means well, it doesn't really go with the rest of the house!  In my constant yearning for the ocean I came up with a beach theme that is exactly as I envisioned.  Except that it sort of needs to be in a house on Martha's Vineyard!  I forgot to add that part to my vision I guess!  Ooops.  But the toilet didn't have a toilet seat, so he wanted to get one today.  And he neglected to mention he had to go to Sam's Club too.

So instead of hiking today, I traipsed concrete aisles and felt somewhat displaced.

Then we went to the Concord Co-op so I could stock up on some food.  Except they didn't have any.  Oh, well, they had food, but it was so decrepit and lackluster and DEAD that I couldn't bear to bring it home with me.  Graveyard food is what it was -- and after being in the heart of fresh food, after walking into a grocery store in Sedona that nearly brought tears to my eyes it was so laden with beautiful, FRESH food, this place felt useless.  In fact, I said I was never going to return!  It used to be I could actually purchase that stuff, believing that its organic-ness was enough.  Now I know that dead is dead no matter how it grew.

It also didn't help that the day was overcast and gray, the world is getting muddy and it's cold and raw out.  I mean, it's nice to see my family and all, but I had no desire to hike in the muddy, snowy woods and that is just as well since I will be starving to death due to lack of good food!  So, let's see, another four or five months before anything grows around here, right?

I don't know how many days it will take before I am too weak to sit at my desk and type, but I'll keep you posted.

I'm meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeltinggggggggggggg  aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

On the edge

I don't know what is going on, but I can't get enough of scrambling up rocks, getting to high peaks, tip-toeing out on the edge ... and this picture is no illusion.  You have to hug the wall to get to the point I am standing on, and after that, there is nothing.  Free fall to death.  And?  I love it!  LOVE IT!  Going down I can't seem to get enough.  My personal goal is to not sit on my butt -- and I will take a few moments and ponder all the possible ways I can insert foot here, hop there, do a few quick steps and put the brakes on.  

I have always loved to hike, but this is something different.  This is such an incredible lack of fear.  These red rocks just scream peace and serenity to me.  These red rocks get in your blood.

Let me explain.  Sedona is known for its vortexes -- these are areas of energy and there are specific areas where it is stronger.  I personally believe that the entire area is energy-rich (I felt the same way at Stonehenge) but I have had two specific experiences where I felt it in a major way.

Yesterday it was somewhat mellow, but I felt it in the wind.

Today, at Cathedral Rock, I was somewhat overwhelmed by it.  I climbed out on this rock and it was drop down to your death space on either side.  The walls of the rocks towered above and within moments I could feel the energy swirling through me.  Let me explain this as best I can.  I felt as though my body was rocking.  At times I would open my eyes to see if I was okay -- the pulsing throughout my body was not violent, but very real.  At one point, after deep breathing, I suddenly found myself panting.  I had to diligently work to keep my breathing paced -- by taking deep, deep breaths and then exhaling slowly.  The energy swirled, my body rocked, I felt deeply rooted to the soul of the rock.

I don't even expect to make sense.  It just was.  There were people around, I could hear their voices.  It didn't matter.  I was completely immersed in my own experience ... the place is known to be where Native Americans felt the energy of their ancestors -- it is a sacred place.  No argument here.

When at last I went to stand up, I was completely lightheaded.  (Not a good thing to be on a narrow rock surrounded by death falls.)  I took deep breaths, I worked on restoring my balance.  I felt ... amazing.  I felt ... alive.

The trek down was wonderful.  Every part of me was present ... I felt the sun upon me, I heard the birds, the wind.  I was hot, I was sweaty, I was aware of every cell of my body saying YES!  YES!  YES.

I am an energy junky looking to live on the edge.

Is that a bad thing?

Stirring the pot

I love it.  As state economies take a nosedive, it is suddenly in vogue to consider legalizing marijuana, or at least it is here out west, where the little planties thrive in massive illegal crops that are making a lot of money for some people (and the government is starting to think AHA!)

I think all illegal drugs that have created a market for thugs and underworld creatures should be legalized, taxed and put on the free market to erase the middle man who takes all the risk.  It is hypocritical (in my mind) for it to be illegal to inhale, ingest and eat certain types of drugs, while it is encouraged to take pharmaceutical drugs prescribed by doctors that are basically the same thing. 

Like prohibition, the drug trade is a huge industry that creates massive amounts of money for the sector of society willing to do something illegal for gain.  I love the show "Weeds," where a suburban housewife who suddenly loses her husband and livelihoood turns to selling pot as the only way to keep herself in the lifestyle that she is accustomed to.  The lure of all that money keeps her embroiled in all the craziness the drug trade brings, and it's not so out there that it doesn't make sense!

I don't know if legalizing drugs would erase the drug cartels ... I don't know if they would just go out and kill all the government officials (because that is what is happening in Mexico) but it's just another one of those things that seems so silly.  Think how many people could be released from jail for drug crimes.  More money saved.

I would love to know the argument for NOT legalizing drugs.  I mean, because we the people are not responsible enough to monitor ourselves?  I can't think of a time in my life when I couldn't GET drugs (not that I have, I am just saying ...) and I don't exactly fit the profile of a major drug user.  (Well, I guess I could, I suppose there is no specific profile, but take my word for it, I am not a major drug user!) and I suppose I should probably not make such statements either because this is not a sane world.  But during the time of prohibition, it's not that people didn't drink ... and I don't know of any alcohol cartels in this time (well, some states, but that's another topic!)

Anyway, I am open to being made to understand why keeping drugs illegal makes sense.

The art of communication

I have maintained close relationships with a group of women that I "met" when Charlie was a baby, and over those 13 years we have bonded and keep near-daily contact with each other.  We call it our "loop," and we know all there is to know about each and every one of us.

We met in person several years ago at a beach house in Delaware ... and oh how we laughed.  We have been through births and deaths and divorce, kindergarten and high school, college and more.  Ages range from mid- 30's (now, so some of us were quite young 13 years ago) up into the 50 range.  It has always provided interesting perspectives (depending on the topic) and I can't imagine a life without the loopers.

I find communicating via e-mail to be very rewarding.  I don't find it impersonal, nor do I feel disconnected from someone that I communicate solely through the ether.  And I am also finding that Facebook is a great way to stay in touch with an even wider range of people.

So, being away from home for so long would seem like a hardship in terms of being in touch with family.  But, as with Hallie, I find that emails, instant messaging and phone calls really can bridge the gap of distance.

The other morning I was IMing with Hallie in Macau as she was getting ready to go to bed (I had just woken up in California) while I was watching a video that Charlie had put on Facebook.  Then Maddie IMed me, and there I was, first thing in the morning, completely immersed in communication with my children.

There are always daily phone calls and these videos, which the kids just discovered, and they really are quite hilarious.  Maddie has SUCH a sense of humour, and we were all hovered around the laptop last night as I showed them to my parents and brother.  Charlie did one where he was dancing, and hey, it's good to know that he's getting some cardio while I'm away!

There is one member of my family who does not do the communication thing well ... at all.  And he is feeling as though I have been gone a very long time.  He doesn't do email, certainly wouldn't go near Facebook, doesn't even know what IM means and can hardly tolerate the telephone.

We are in an era of constant communication.  Our children text each other constantly, update their antics via facebook constantly and upload pictures of whatever they did that day.  I find it fascinating ... what does it all mean, this constant being in touch?  Is it good?  Bad?  I don't know!  What I do know is that the one person in my family who doesn't utilize all these tools feels out of the loop, out-of-touch and as though I am very far away.

Longing for my Jeep

Even I know I talk way too much about my Jeep.  I love my Jeep.

But here I am -- out in JEEP country.  Without my Jeep.  It's like torture.  One road after another, custom debilitated for a JEEP ... and I have to walk it.  I see my Jeep go by, and I yearn.

One hike after another is on a road that should not be traveled by anything but ... my Jeep.  The rental car is a Jeep Patriot.  Read: SALLY CAR.  The front end feels as though it is going to fall off, it shakes, rattles and rolls.  It is not equipped to take these crazy roads, and yet, I feel so sad that I am in the land of JEEEEEEEP.  Without mine.

Such Jeep envy, it's hard to keep in check!

I picture myself driving across the country in the Jeep -- and realize, I would have been a crazy pscyho had I attempted it.  It is loud, uncomfortable and I might have hit Chicago before having a full-fledged nervous breakdown.  But oh, it is so hard to see these Jeep people driving in their Jeeps, while mine is tucked away in a garage in NH, totally neglected and unloved.

Yeah, I'm weird.  No argument there, but I walk on these roads and know how much FUN it would be to trek over them in the car that was born to drive these roads and I feel so BUMMED!  Oh well.  At least it is good exercise!

Hanging with the self

Yesterday I did what is called "journey work," which is when you retreat into yourself and see "what comes up."  I began at 10:00 in the morning and did not literally open my eyes until 2:00 P.M.  It was pretty wild.

The things that "came up" blew me away in that they were so not what I expected.  Because no matter how hard I try I am unable to drop this weight I have been carrying for 20 years, I truly expected there had to be something big -- some deep dark secret that I'd embedded into my cells and stuffed down and comforted with food.

But the truth of the matter is that it was a series of teeny tiny events that INFURIATED me, as a young child, to such a degree that I began to internalize my anger and I believed that it was my job to take care of everyone and everything.

The sheer simplicity of it somewhat blows me away, but it has given me new insight to the idea that small things make a difference -- negative or positive.  I've always thought along the lines of a grand scheme.  If I have a party, it has to be a big party -- if I have a small dinner party, then I will make something extra special.  But why?  Because somewhere along the line I decided that small things didn't matter, when really they are all that matters.

After the session I was to spend the day in silence, with myself.  Oh my!  Not an easy task.  Since this meant no reading, TV, computer, etc. I was basically left to either lay on my bed or sit in a chair outside.  I did this for several hours, I played around with energy and this poor bird didn't know what was happening!

Seriously, this bird landed at the top of a tree and it was right in my line of sight.  I stared at it and threw energy at it and when it went to fly away, it came right back.  I was delighted to see some proof that this energy stuff works, so I threw out even more.  The bird tried to fly away three or four times but kept returning.  It wouldn't get any further than maybe two feet from the branch when it "had" to return.  When I laughed it seemed to break the "spell," and that bird got out of there fast!

But you can only torture birds for so long ... you can only meditate for so long ... I was going a little bonkers.  By 7:00 p.m. I had the computer on my lap!  By 9:00 I was watching TV.

I am not perfect and I am perfectly fine with that!