The helmet decision

(The big box in the goggles is the reflection of the computer screen and I am too lazy to take a picture with my camera!)

Anyway.  This morning I went skiing for the first day of the year with Maddie, who had already gone two days in a row.  Anyone who skis knows that the first day can be brutal.  Everything feels wrong, your boots hurt, your clothes feel confining and there is pain involved on all fronts.

I expected this, and the first run did not disappoint.  My legs were screaming, my feet were aching and felt as though someone was driving small nails through them and I couldn't adjust my hat/neck warmer and goggles properly so that I wasn't getting cold air on exposed skin.  In a nutshell, the first run pretty much sucked despite the amazing snow conditions.

Maddie kept telling me that I had to unbuckle my boots.  But no.  I have been skiing for ::::cough cough:::: forty something years :::::::good lord:::::::: and if I know anything it's that once you buckle the boots, you don't go up or down playing with adjustments because it won't work.  Can ruin your whole day.  So I gutted through it.

By the third run things were clicking into place.  I started to realize that we had the WHOLE trail to ourselves, the whole darned corduroy trail with patches of blue sky and the unfrozen lake in our view.  Hello!  Heaven on earth.  And my feet had gone from crazy painful to a moderate ache.  And for some reason my legs weren't burning any more.  I, well, I felt good!  And I was going for it, keeping up with Maddie with no problem.  She was a little ahead of me and I saw her go to the far edge to do a tight turn, and I realized that there was very little between the woods and the trail -- maybe five inches of snow.  Not much of a buffer.   As I reached the spot I peered into the woods and shuddered a bit ... wouldn't want to lose control now -- and fly into the woods towards a sure death.

The helmet discussion has come up before, as year after year passes and everyone we know has succumbed to the brain buckets.  For me, it has always been a question of freedom.   I don't want to wear something on my head that is going to confine me -- feel heavy and cumbersome and cramp my style.  So I've always just insisted I would never wear a helmet, live free or die.

But today the die part kept popping into my head a little more than the live part!  I was flying.  This has definitely niggled in the back of my head in years past, as I've been flying down a trail and caught an edge, and corrected it.  And then thought, wow, that would have been bad.  I don't have to ski fast, and there are times when I slow way down and don't even think about it.  But today, I was skiing with a racer, and they ski fast.

And it feels good.

And this was my first day.  

If my legs can stand some pretty strenuous runs the first time out, it's pretty unlikely that I will slow down in the days, weeks and months to come.  It is ski season.

And I ski.

A lot.

So Peter and I had some errands to run and I told him I wanted to check out helmets.  He was shocked.  He kept pointing out how adamant I have been against them for the past however many years, and I said yes, I understand, but people can change their minds.

And they aren't heavy at all.  In fact, I think it weighs as much as my hat does!  I put the first one on that caught my fancy (pink of course!) and it fit snugly, warmly, and well, it felt right.  I turned to Peter and he laughed.  I asked him, does it look that bad?

He said no, but it's just weird to see you in a helmet.  

Well, for heaven's sake, get over it.  My mind was made up.  I tried a few others on, but this helmet and I had already bonded.  

Peter still couldn't believe it.  He thought we were just LOOKING at helmets.  Well, maybe we were, but I'd found one that felt good, why wait?  So then we had to find him a helmet as well.  Because he claimed that he has always known that it was safer to use helmets.  (He just wanted to be unsafe with me I guess!)

So there you have it.  It wasn't much of a decision at all.  It was just time.  And in the spring, when the sun is shining, I will most definitely NOT wear a helmet and fly down the trails with my hair trailing behind me.  Because THAT is the true definition of freedom.

But the snow is always mushy and you go way slower and it's more like plowing than flying!  And your legs are in shape.

And did I mention it was pink?

Dying for a good cause

The 34-year-old worker who died Friday morning after opening up the doors to the Long Island-based Wal-Mart store and being trampled was a beautiful, sacrificial death.

How wonderful that there are American citizens willing to give up their lives so that others may shop for great deals.  It brings a tear to my eye.  And even more intense was when it became apparent that this person -- this suicidal door opener -- had indeed succumbed to his death, shoppers continued to pour in and ignored what was on the floor before them.

At least we now have another job description for Wal-Mart workers, along with greeter, cashier, etc.  Suicidal door-openers.  You gotta love America, the land of opportunity.

As a firm believer in karma, I have no doubt that those who stepped upon this man will suffer for their disgusting behavior.  Perhaps they will became agoraphobic and forced to watch their newly-purchased flat screen televisions for the rest of their lives.  I don't know, but it chills me to the bone to think that some crappy STUFF was more important than a man's life to these disgusting consumer junkies.

It makes me sick.

If you save $100 by staying in line for hours and getting various discounts, does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?  Could your child have ONE less toy apiece and let you go shop during normal hours when the doors aren't clogged by savages?

It truly was a Black Friday, but I suspect that Wal-Mart will continue the tradition in the years to come.  Because they know what is important:  Providing the CRAP to the consumers at a reduced rate.  It's really all there is.

I am thankful that I care more about human beings than I do about stuff.  Today, yesterday and forever.

To disappoint or not to disappoint, that is the question

I think one of the hardest things for me to do is watch people make the same mistakes over and over.

So many people get caught up in their dramas -- and they repeat the same things that make them miserable time and again -- because those dramas are safe.

One thing I have noticed with being raw is that I don't hold on to anger long -- I have so much more clarity as to what makes people tick, that instead of personalizing it, I compartmentalize all the aspects of it -- then look at each one separately and see how they form the whole. (The whole drama that is!)

I think more than angry though, it just makes me very sad. And it is my own problem that I believe that people can change -- or want to change enough to institute that change.

So I have to learn how to not let other people's actions affect me! Which is one tall order, because life is made up of relationships and imperfections and personalities and situations.

The key is to just let it go. See things as they are and then move on.

Yesterday Charlie was in rare form. That translates into he was being the biggest jerk on the planet. Rude, obnoxious, nasty ... he felt toxic. I wanted nothing to do with him -- and of course he knew that, so he started pushing buttons. In most cases he hits dead buttons -- I have long since figured him out, but there are times when I'm not prepared. And that would be after a long stretch of him being nothing but sweet, helpful and easy to get along with. I can't remember the last time he was the biggest jerk on the planet -- so -- I guess a part of me had forgotten that he can indeed be just that.

I didn't engage when he started mouthing off. I ignored him when he said he wasn't going to go shopping with me (a pre-planned event that he was trying to get out of at the last minute) but when I was driving out of the driveway and he came running after me, and then acted like he was going to slam the car window and then swore at me, I felt like killing him.

A deep primal urge to smash his head against the pavement, or even better, drive over him.

It's not like I had to keep myself from doing either of those things. I wasn't shaking with anger or had my foot poised over the gas pedal. But it's just so sad that I even have such thoughts. That he can evoke such anger out of me.

But why am I surprised? He's done it a million times before.

Because I am always (stupidly it seems) hopeful that the change he has exhibited for months and months has taken permanent hold and that he is no longer capable of being such a ... a... creep.

People will always disappoint you. You just have to figure out how to handle it in such a way that their actions remain just that ... THEIRS! Or even better, not to have it touch you so that you have to use words like disappoint.

For example. If I had just taken a few minutes when Charlie started acting "off," to examine the situation, I probably could have avoided it altogether. First, he was probably feeling a little overwhelmed at the thought of preparing Thanksgiving dinner for everyone. He is, after all, only 13 and that's a big job for anyone. Now obviously I'm not going to abandon him alone in the kitchen, but he doesn't think that way.

Then to top that off, he received some very disappointing news that if again, I had taken the time, I would have realized I should have explained it to him more thoroughly and tried to make him feel better about things. I forget sometimes that things affect him deeply.

But after careful thought I have concluded that I too, am only human and obviously must participate in some dramas of my own.   And the truth is, that people do TRY, and Charlie is a good example of someone who is definitely improving with age.

Hopefully I will to :)

This is where it will end

Just strap on the feed bag.

AhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I've discovered it.  I have!

Discovered what?

Well, the meaning of life of course!

As I watched this movie today, so completely and utterly drawn in, I had to ask myself, what IS it about the Twilight books, the movie, that I find so compelling?

I like Bella of course because she is her own person.  She doesn't care about being in the in crowd, she doesn't care what people think of her or what she wears or what she looks like.  In fact, she thinks she isn't that special at all and assumes that is how everyone else sees her.

She is unassuming.

I am not like her at all, really, but I certainly relate to her on a certain level.

And then there is ... Edward.

He is the ultimate ... ULTIMATE ... bad guy.  I've always been attracted to "that guy" -- the one you don't want to bring home to meet Daddy.  Perhaps all women are, I don't know.  But Edward stands for Every Girl's dream, and he has manners to boot.  If he loves you, he won't kill you.  Gotta love that.

Star-crossed lovers are always good fodder for romance novels and movies because ultimately you want to see the near impossible happen.  I can recall when my daughter watched Pretty Woman like everyday for years.  Hey, I liked the movie and I liked looking at Richard Gere, but not everyday.  But I got it, because it is the ultimate Cinderella story and we all want that -- to be swept off our feet and told that we are loved despite who we are.

Bella and Edward are so endearing to our psyches because they are such polar opposites -- and yet, the attraction, despite its impossibility -- is what drives us to root for them.  Because the ultimate message is, if you love someone and they love you, then he can resist sucking your blood and you can forgive him for being a 300 year old monster vampire.  It's really that simple.

And brings us back to the meaning of life. 

Which is love.

That's all we want.

But we want impossible love -- we want love that defies all common sense and possibility.  We want it, because love is like a drug -- once you taste it, you want more and more and more. 

So what is wrong with that?

The power of chocolate

So.  I made this raw chocolate out of cacoa nibs, coconut oil and agave -- which is the basis of all raw chocolate, including the above which you can purchase -- but why bother, because it is a piece of cake (no chocolate!) to make.

The first day I couldn't stop eating it.  I mean, this stuff is crazy.  

And I didn't sleep for three days.

I am very sensitive to caffeine, and I have no idea what the caffeine content is in raw cacoa, but it must be mad crazy, because I was zinging for hours.  So I had some at 7 this morning, thinking I'd be safe. (I looked it up and it says that raw chocolate contains very little caffeine.  So I react to something else then!  Cuz I wasn't dreaming I wasn't sleeping!)

But wowsa!  I am so hyped up -- so, so ... HAPPY!  I mean seriously, I can't keep my lips from turning upwards into a smile.  It's kind of weird.  In a good sort of way.

And I can't keep still!  I have to DO something.

Anyway, the thing is, chocolate is good for you.  At least THIS chocolate is.  We're not talking Three Musketeers bars here, we're talking raw chocolate fresh from the nut.

The nut?

Yes, chocolate comes from a nut, which grows on a tree.  A very odd tree.  And another cool thing about chocolate is that it is ALWAYS in season.  There is no chocolate nut season, the nuts grow all year long.  The theory for this is that we NEED chocolate all the time!

I am hip with that.

So money doesn't grow on trees -- but chocolate does!  Life is good.

This is the tree and the nuts are inside the fruit (pods).  These trees grow in tropical rainforests in South America, Malaysia and Africa.

these are the nuts.

The cacoa pods take five to six months to ripen.  On a typical plantation the pod is cut open with a machete and the beans are removed (there are approximately 45 beans per pod).  The beans are then covered with banana leaves and left to ferment for five days, which reduces the bitterness and enhances the chocolate flavor.  Then they are left to dry in the sun ... and that's it!  Then they are sent off to cacoa buyers and processors.

ALL chocolate is made from these beans.  But the chocolate bars that you buy, for the most part, contain not one iota of the cacoa bean.   Unless you indulge in real chocolate, you are not receiving any of the following benefits:

Raw cacoa has the highest anti-oxidant properties of ANY food in the world!    It has anti-aging and anti-inflammatory properties, it is a good source of magnesium, sulphur, calcium, iron, zinc, copper, potassium, manganese and some B vitamins.

 

Sulfur helps build strong hair and nails, promotes healthy and beautiful skin, helps detoxify the liver and helps healthy functioning of the pancreas.

I could go on ... but the bottom line is, it's a superfood.  Now ... you can find information out there that chocolate is a toxic and dangerous substance and that it will do harmful things to your body and become addictive.  But I've only found one source claiming this and countless others touting the wonders and joy of chocolate.

Since I have been experiencing the mood-lifting benefits of the crazy cacoa wonder all morning, I am less inclined to believe that it is bad for me.  I do know that if I eat too much of it or too late in the day I won't sleep.  There is no argument from me that it is a stimulant.  But what is wrong with feeling fabulous every now and again?  As for addictive ... well.  I can choose not to eat it and have since those sleepless nights!

But it sure does taste good.

Here is a raw fudge recipe that is super easy and will have you swinging from the chandelier and smiling despite yourself!

Raw Fudge

1/2 cup raw chocolate powder (raw cacoa powder)

1/2 cup raw coconut butter (oil)

1/2 cup raw honey

All of these ingredients can be found at a health food store or in most grocery stores.

Mix all ingredients in a pan (warm it slightly if necessary as the coconut butter/oil will be a solid as will the honey)

Press into a 5X5 container and then chill in the fridge for an hour.

And then ... swoon!

When an obsession becomes a reality!

I think I am officially deranged.

I just bought tickets to see Twilight for Friday.  Like the first packed showing.  

I NEVER do this.

In fact, I am against it!  I think it is foolish -- all things can wait.

Except for this.

And ... I CAN'T wait!

Too many shoes, or not enough?

No, this post is not about The Secret -- but it's about ideas and attraction and my overwhelming feeling of certainty that the world is not coming to an end.

I have, as many readers know, not been this optimistic over the past year.  I latched on to any one particular subject and followed it down to its worst-case-scenario, fully believing that peak oil would decimate us, or everyone would die of cancer or whatever else I got caught up in.

Those things are all still true -- but they don't HAVE to be our destiny.  We are all in charge of our own futures -- and we can choose whatever path we want to take. 

Peak Oil is a fact.  But as we now know, the oil industry is incredibly volatile.  We were paying double at the pumps a few months ago.  But all it took was a few adjustments, and suddenly the demand on oil went down enough to balance out the supply and demand war.  Seriously, some how every one of us made some type of change that affected this, even if it was a change that really didn't change your life.

It is infinitesimal changes across a grand scale that can make a grand change.

If you don't want cancer in your life, then you can stop ingesting cancer-causing agents on a daily basis and instead eat foods that will armor your body to guard against what is really an inevitable disease for anyone who eats the standard american diet.

Again, with teeny tiny changes, this too can be done.

I can hear a dozen analysts screaming that I don't know what I'm talking about, that historically this and historically that, blah blah blah.

That's fine.  I'm not an expert, I will admit that.  But I know what I know and I know this without a shadow of a doubt:  We NEED this, this world in turmoil.  We NEED it as our wake-up call, we need to STOP eating crap and buying crap ... and the only way to get some people to do this is to make it impossible for them.  And that is by taking away their buying power -- or their money, if only for a short while, so they can slowly start to GET IT.

I will admit I am a bit of a hypocrite in this whole conversation.  I still buy stuff.  I still buy stuff I do NOT need.  It's a hard habit to break.  I am always amazed when I am in a store (and I will say that I don't go in on my own accord, I am almost ALWAYS with someone else who is, while not making me go, certainly providing me with a situation I wouldn't put myself in on my own) I can't believe how much stuff there is that appeals to me!  I have my buttons.  I love pocketbooks and jewelry and soft materials and cool gadgets and things that sparkle.

But I've bought enough things over the years to know that I just plain don't need them.  That I can live without them.  When I find something I like, I don't think about it at all.  I just buy it.  I have never wasted precious moments of my life wondering the pros and cons of something.  It is as simple as if I want it and seem to have a need, then that is fine.

The other day while shopping I wanted one thing.  I wanted shoes.  Now, I most certainly do not NEED shoes.  I have loads of them.  But I had decided that I would use these shoes (and I knew exactly what type I wanted, what brand and what color) as a reward for reaching a milestone.  Before we reached the shoe store, my sister and I went into this shop that has all the wonderful pocketbooks, jewelry, soft materials and cool gadgets and things that sparkle and I was of course infected with the fever.  I wanted.

But what?

I've blogged before about my perfect pocketbook, which was slung across my shoulder.  But it wasn't so perfect that day because my sunglass holder didn't really fit in it.  I was feeling a bit put out at its slight imperfection, and I am sure that it was no coincidence that there was an entire WALL of pocketbooks that were just screaming my name.

It was bedlam I tell ya!  I started to try them on.  And I settled on one that seemed perfect!  Perfect!  Until my sister started pointing out that it was like a bag on sterioids.  Forget the perfect pockets on the front, that was only the tip of the iceberg.  The thing opened up in three different places, it had multiple zippers and snaps and it opened to the left and it opened to the right ... and well ... you'd never be able to find a damn thing in it!  It was like the castle of pocketbooks -- full of hallways that you'd never really need to go down.  Just point me to the kitchen please.

I felt bereft.  No pocketbook today?  Really?  I hadn't been shopping in weeks, months even!  But then I said to myself no, you are getting something today.  You are getting shoes!

As I was buying a birthday present I noticed these fabulous earrings on the counter.  Made of some Amazon tree, they were really, really cool.  Then my mind flashed to the earring tree on my bathroom counter at home.  FULL of so many earrings I could wear a new pair everyday for months.  Seriously.  I have a lot of earrings.  And bracelets.  And rings.  I just have.  A lot.

So I bought the shoes and instantly felt gratified.  I asked for my size in the color I wanted, put them on my feet, stood up and said I'd take them.  I wore them out of the store and never looked back.  I love those shoes.

I love them because they are not only a reminder of the milestone I intended them for, but they also remind me that I **am** capable of just buying one thing -- that I don't have to instantly gratify every "need" that comes my way, because you know, I never would have loved that pocketbook.  And I have loads of pocketbooks.  I could change pocketbooks everyday for a few weeks too.  I just have.  A lot.

Anyway, so as our economy tanks, I am cool with that because I only need food, I don't need an abundance of stuff because I already have it!  I didn't personally need this lesson myself, because I was already on this path ... it was becoming a natural progression of the type of changes I needed to make, both physical and spiritual.

Because stuff bogs you down.  It really does.  Everything bogs you down in one way or another.

I had my hair cut to feel free.  I could only go so far, but I had this overwhelming urge to cut my hair for the freedom of it.

I changed my diet and I feel free.  Which makes no sense, but something clicked for me, and it ultimately made me realize that I am free from the pull of food.  All food really.

Charlie made chicken and cheese grinders (I invented them because we all loved steak and cheese grinders and when I gave up red meat, we all wanted to keep this wonderful food alive!) last night and the smell was incredible.   So in my mind I ate one.  I could taste exactly what it would taste like ... right down to the mayo on the roll, the slimy feel of the onions and peppers coated in melted cheese, the softness of the bits of chicken as I bit into them.  It was delicious.  And then I watched as everyone ate theirs.  It was mindless.  They were just putting the food in their mouths, chewing and going for the next bite.  There was no doubt in my mind that I had enjoyed that grinder a hundred times more than they did ... in my mind!

We're so numb to everything after all these years of too much, that the only thing that is going to make people wake up is a crisis of immense proportions.

But each and every one of us can control that proportion, by keeping things in proportion.  Because you can ultimately have everything you want -- you just have to want it with pure intention.  And that's when it gets tricky ... because then you have to go deeper inside yourself than you have to when you have enough money at your disposal to just buy everything you want because just maybe, maybe one of those things will meet your wants and you don't even have to try to think about it.

And that begins the great disconnect.

Think about all the mixed messages the universe hears.  The car industry is in grave danger.  They say we must bail them out too because of all the jobs that will be lost.  But wait ... do the worker's REALLY want their jobs?  That is why answers can't be packaged up neatly and problems solved overnight ... because ultimately, in the backs of many of the minds of these people who work on assembly lines, they are secretly happy at the thought of being FORCED out of a job they hate.  Out of a daily existence that has numbed them completely.  As long as there is negative energy mixed in ... it will dilute the solutions.  

Everyone has to think what THEY want.  What they REALLY want.  Yes, they want money to provide food and clothing for their families.  But how much money do they need?   People get locked into jobs for life based on these needs:  The need to provide.  But WHAT are they providing?  In many cases, empty lives that will be led by their children as well, because so many basics have been lost over the years.  We have forgotten that you don't NEED stuff to survive.  You just need food, shelter, some clothing (not closets full) and not 100's of pairs of shoes.

I know that all I want is the freedom to be free of stuff -- to not care about what type of car I drive or the clothes I wear or any of that.  And to a certain point, I have reached that.  But not completely -- I still have human thoughts!  (hahaha, sorry, reading too many vampire books). 

But mostly I want to know WHAT I want.  I want it to be intuitive, I want to believe that every choice I make is pure and not based in any of the emotions that tend to accompany our decisions.

It is what I intend.

Gawd I love my shoes.

Say it isn't so!

After coming off a few days of "blackout" myself, I am horrified that poor Obama might not be able to keep an email account -- or even worse -- his blackberry, once he becomes president.

Talk about technology not keeping up with the Oval Office!  I don't care about security, blah blah blah.  If the guy wants to email his friends and say "go Sox!" then he should be allowed to.  I do not think he should be allowed to email his friends and say "thinking of blowing up Cuba tomorrow, what do you think?"

I mean, let's be adults here.  Obviously you don't use email correspondence for private, secure, top-secret "government stuff."   But I think he should be trusted to be allowed to keep something that keeps him informed.  Believe me, you can't even find a movie that is playing without an internet connection!

I find it ridiculous that the president doesn't even have a laptop (the current one that is).  If it is the way you have become, as it is most certain Obama has, then it just is.  You can't stop knowing how to find out things within seconds, you can't just stop and wait for a committee to gather to inform you.  It would drive me INSANE!  I want a happy President, thank you very much!

I was watching excerpts from Michele and Barack on 60 Minutes and I was struck by his comments on how he (and he wasn't complaining!) misses things like taking a walk, or going to have his hair cut.  He said that it was a loss of connection ... 

I don't think anyone has any idea what it is like to be the President of the United States.   But man, they are just so wonderful to watch. They are so true ... it's not like Laura Bush, who in 8 years has made no imprint whatsoever in my mind because she's always "I support my husband ..." whereas Michele is out and out a force herself.   She was asked if she could truly, as a Princeton and Harvard Law School graduate, sit inside the White House and "just be a Mom."

She is so comfortable in her own skin and doesn't have to prove anything.  I flashed back to Hillary -- who was our first "strong" woman first lady, and the difference between them is that Hillary can't prove herself enough -- she has to push, push and push.   She wanted it clear right from the get-go that she had a brain and she was going to use it.  Damn-it!  And all she ended up doing was making a stupid "not going to sit at home and bake cookies," crack that pretty much ended up being her claim to fame.  She couldn't win.  She tried too hard.

Watch CBS Videos Online

I don't know why, but I totally and thoroughly enjoyed watching the two of them. And I loved it how Obama (I can never decide, do I call him Barack or do I call him Obama ... and then I have to think, which is the first and last name?) Anyway, I loved it when he was talking about his mother-in-law. He just seems like a guy you could easily have a conversation with. And want to.


Watch CBS Videos Online

And so, after watching that, don't you agree that if the President wants to email his buddies about a college playoff system, that he should be allowed to?

OOOOooooh I am addicted

So.  Last Tuesday I was at my sister's and her daughter Emma is all into these Twilight Series books and my sister had finished the first and was almost done the second.  These are big books, but boy, do you go through them quickly.  I borrowed the first one and took it home.

By Wednesday morning I had all but a few chapters left.  I finished those then later in the afternoon went to the bookstore to buy the second book.  I also checked to see if they had the next two in the series, but they did not.  

I read that all night and finished it in the morning.  Then I paced.  What should I do?  If I ordered the other two online, it would take DAYS to come.  Was there a bookstore in Hanover?  Lebanon?  How come I wasn't sure?  Hmmmmmm.

By late afternoon (with the internet down as well!) I drove to Concord and ran into Border's ... I might have been panting.  I bought the last two (in hard cover damnit!) and Maddie looked at me like I was nuts and said maybe I should read one first and then buy the other one after that.  I said NO.  WHAT?  ARE YOU CRAZY?  I don't care what they cost ... I NEEEEEEEEED them.

And now I am starting to see something I should have thought about earlier:  I am running out of my fix.  I of course read most of the third last night ... and I am physically keeping myself away from the book right now.  But it will be done in no time ... and then there is only one more left.

I have NEVER gone through books like this.  I mean, I literally have no desire to put them down.  They never get boring, they are absolutely and completely ridiculous ... totally over the top, and I am eye rolling some of the time.  But that means nothing.  I am hooked.

Have I mentioned these are geared towards the younger set?  That you have to find them in the Young Adult section?

Yeah, I know, it's a little weird.  And my own young adult refuses to read them herself.  She scoffed when I told her it was about this girl and a vampire ... and said "please, no more, I am not interested."

NOT INTERESTED?  I just don't understand.  Even my reading compadre, Hallie, said that Emma had mentioned them over the summer but she didn't like vampires either.

Well poooh to all of them.  I love vampires.  Well, I love one vampire in particular.  I love his cold, marble lips and his beautiful appearance and his sense of humour.  I love Edward.  I do!

I am now obsessed with vampires.  I am going to read the Anne Rice series ... because I too used to say that vampires did not interest me.  But ... I have been turned on to those bloodsuckers and there is no turning back now -- because I am just about out of this fix ... and I need to line something up.  I believe Anne Rice is a prolific writer as well.  (I don't know what it is about vampires, but they keep a story going!)  Maybe it has something to do with their immortality.

Of course, these are nice vampires.  But just like humans, there are bad vamps and good vamps.  One just needs to have an open mind.  And werewolves ... now they aren't always scary either.

I think I'll end this right now before I sound even more deranged than I think I do.  

And go read.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Sooooooooooooo.  I've had no internet for a day and a half.  I called to report this, and the nice woman said, "Oh, I know why your internet isn't working.  There is an outage in your area."

"Do you have any idea when it will be fixed?  I haven't had internet all day.  I've unplugged everything, reset everything and kicked a few things as well."

"I'm sorry ma'am, I really am."

"But you have no idea when the internet will be fixed in this area?  Do you have any idea what caused it?  A large storm perhaps?"

"Ummmm..."

"Because there have been no large storms."

"I really don't know."

"So you are saying I have no internet, you now know that, and you have no idea why and when it will be restored?"

"Ummmmm."

"Because that is quite ridiculous.  There must be a fact or two to go along with this.  Some teeny tiny shred of proof that the internet will be restored within say, a day, a week, a month, even a year."

"Oh, I don't think it will be that long."

"But you don't know."

"Well, no.  But..."

"I have no one else to call?"

"Oh," she said brightly.  "You can call the business office on Monday morning if you wish."

"Why would I do that?"

"To report that your internet was out in an area where there was an outage, and they will credit your account."

"I see.  Do you think I should wait longer than Monday morning, in the event the internet stays down longer than that?"

"Ummmm."

Okay, okay, I finally let the poor girl off the hook.  Though, when she said this ...

"Is there anything else we can help you with today?"

"Yes, I'd like to have my internet fixed and to have a general idea of when that is going to happen."

"Besides that."

I mean, come on, I had to laugh.    I call the service department, they say basically we can't help you, but is there anything else I can help you with?  Should I have ordered a cheeseburger?  Asked her for the time.

Anyway, it is 3:00 the following day, it's been over 24 hours of no computer ... and well, it's really taken a toll on me.  I've read three books.  Well, that is EMMA's fault, but I think it is another blog.  

This afternoon we thought we might go to a movie.  We couldn't figure out what was playing.  I called all the numbers in my phone book to try and get an audio recording of movies playing.  You can't understand any of that fandango stuff and I was screaming at the recorded voice when it kept saying it couldn't understand me.  

It wasn't right.  Then Charlie tried, because you know, I must be doing something wrong.  He looked at me, nonplussed, and said "I can't understand what they are saying."

Makes sense to me!  Oh, I am so glad the world is falling apart and we will get back some CUSTOMER SERVICE.  I am so looking forward to it, I really am.

Is that wrong?

No.  But I am not going to discuss the end of the world now, because I refuse to go there.  LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA.

So, I re-boot everything and then I played games with myself.  If I don't go over and check for five minutes, the internet will be back.  (I had to do something, because I was afraid I was going to kick it again!)  Anyway, it came back and I was so excited, I didn't know what to do first!  Everyone else is gone -- since the movie thing became impossible, everyone decided to go shopping.  Since I am against shopping, I stayed here.  And read.

But this, this is sooooooooo exciting.  I am baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.  And of course with the internet down I had tons of blogging ideas.  Tons!  And no, I couldn't write them in a word document and then transfer them, because it's just not the way to do it.  Geesh.  In fact, I have decided my computer is completely worthless unless it is online.

Well, I'm glad it's back and everything, but I have to go read.

Seriously.

Active without pretense

I don't mean for this to be about my journey with raw food, because that's a whole 'nother blogging experience, but since it is really what my life is all about right now ... well, it's what is in my head.

Yesterday I went to visit my sister as Charlie and Zach didn't have school.  We went to the health food store that normally has a raw food entree available for lunch.  The only thing that was raw was a sandwich (which was delicious!)  This health food store was all into raw months ago, but now it has kind of fizzled out.  That's what happened to me the first time, so I completely understand it.  But it makes me realize, there has to be a way to reach people on a deeper level.

By holding a class and introducing people to raw food and how it tastes, is step one.  But then what?  It's a very easy situation in which to say "oh, the food tastes great and I feel great when I am eating it, but you need too much equipment, it takes too much time to make and it doesn't fit into my lifestyle."

I totally get that.  Believe me.  But something happened to me last night that made me realize that a mindset can be completely changed the other way ... to a place where a person could say "Oh, the food tastes great and I feel great when I am eating it and I somehow need to figure out how to incorporate this lifestyle into my life because I need to choose feeling good over feeling just okay."

We went out for dinner at a fabulous pizza restaurant -- one of my favorites.  The pizza there is made out of all organic ingredients, local if possible, and it is cooked in a wood fire.  ALL they serve is pizza, salad and a few desserts.   I had no plans to eat pizza -- I also love the salad they serve which has this yummy dressing and seaweed on it -- so you know it is good for you.  But one of the special pizzas had a curry-coconut sauce with organic broccoli, tomatoes and chickpeas on it.  I mean, it's like a dream pizza for me!  So my mother and sister ordered half of that and it came and it smelled to die for.  I could specifically smell the coconut, the curry, the tomatoes ... and so I took a teeny tiny piece and put it in my mouth.

The initial sensation was ... oooh, this is almost hot ... then it went from excitement to instant disappointment when I realized I couldn't taste any particular flavor.  It just felt like warm mush in my mouth.  I swallowed and took the second small piece on my plate.  Same thing.  And then my entire mouth felt all gross and oily and just downright unhappy.  The smells coming from the pizza before me were still good .... but the flavor didn't hold up to the promise.

The thing with eating raw is that when you take a bite of something, the flavors pop in your mouth.  I am drinking a smoothie concocted of coconut milk, coconut meat, strawberries and goji berries.  I can specifically taste each flavor, and while the coconut is trying to take over, you can also experience hints of goji and strawberry.  And the taste sensation lingers in your mouth, so you don't need to take another sip for a long time, because you are still experiencing it.  It sounds weird, but I realized last night that I have become accustomed to this -- and that putting something in my mouth that is, well, that is dead and incapable of creating these sensations -- is not something I am interested in!

The reasons that cooked food smells so good is because you are basically smelling the last bit of the essence of that food steaming off into the ether.  Think about it.  When food grows cold, it no longer smells appetizing.  Sometimes it hardly smells at all.

When you eat cooked food all the time, you definitely taste flavor, but I bet if you think about it a little you would realize that after the first bite, you don't really taste that much at all.  Try it.  The first bite will be delicious, it will click something in your brain that says GOOD FOOD and you will keep eating and eating and eating it.  But will you be tasting it?

I know that I never really did.  And I used to say that to myself ... that why bother after the first bite, it was never as good.  But I think I was just looking for that same sensation ... over and over, bite after bite.  All in vain!

The first time I ate raw I did not do 100 percent.  So I did not experience the things I am now.  When I ate cooked foods that I liked, they tasted good.  But the compromise was that I never reached the point that when I ate the raw foods it was a near-nirvana experience for each bite to taste like heaven.  Kind of an odd compromise, if you think about it.

I will never have a desire to eat that pizza again -- as long as I stay raw.  I know this.  I know that without a shadow of a doubt I could re-program my body to enjoy cooked foods again.  But why?  Why?  My sister complained of feeling full, I could actually experience her lack of energy and vitality -- she had totally lost her raw buzz by eating that pizza.

And it's such a short thing.  For a few moments I sat there with nothing to do while everyone else ate.  And I discovered another thing.  That my hearing has become very keen.  I could pull specific sounds out of the mayhem of noise a crowded restaurant creates, and it was kind of cool.  So, I could eat and stuff myself into oblivion, or I could start to hone new sensations that are coming about as my body starts to wake up in so many new and different ways.

So why, I wonder, is it so hard for us to forego the standard of eating that has created a society of obese and sick people?  I think it is because some of us feel safer in the fog ... and I understand that.  When you feel alive, when you feel feel feel, and by that I mean when your body literally zings and your thoughts come at you crystal clear and you look around you and see such beauty and inside you are so calm and yet so ... full ... it can be overwhelming.  Because you think to yourself ... I can do anything.

And those feelings can be cured by eating cooked food.  The moment you put cooked food into your zinging body it starts to tamper it all down.  And you can ignore things that bother you.  

But I am finding that if you stay in it and go deeper, what seems hopeless is really just an opportunity to make changes that will help everyone involved.  If you don't tamper down the power -- the energy -- it starts to grow.  I am an impatient person and I always want things to happen ... yesterday.  

So right now, right now I have no demands on myself.  I am trying to listen to my intuition, my inner voice -- and instead of being reactive, inactive or proactive, I am just remaining ... active.  Waiting to feel the need to do something, say something, be something.

Carrot anyone?

Work in progress

My sister said that she was sick of looking at the picture of my beat up old food processor.

She had to call.

She said "I had to call," because she couldn't get her "Lisa fix" via the blog.

Which made me wonder, how many other relationships am I missing out on because they touch base with me via this blog, but I don't know that?  :::::Shrug:::::: I don't know, I guess it doesn't really matter, but if you ever wonder whether or not to respond -- you should!  Because it returns to me the connection that I put out there.

This is not a demand mind you!  Just a thought.

There was a Christmas commercial on this morning -- the Hershey Kisses were singing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas."  For Gawd sake.  Then I get on to my picture a day site and they are discussing next year, shall we all take a picture a day again?  Since I sort of feel that it was a really cool thing to do ... ONCE ... I doubt I will continue.  But it's another example of making connections in strange and different ways.  It is AMAZING how you can get to know someone just by looking at their daily self-portrait.

And then I was reminded that I haven't blogged in a few days.

Such pressure!

So I went online and basically began and ended my Christmas shopping.  We held it way down last year, and this year isn't going to be any different.  One decent gift and a stocking with decent items.  Yeah, that's it.  I bought the one gift for everyone, now I have stockings.  I've already done other family and friend gifts.  For someone that is not always that organized, I am quite amazing this year!  :)

Then I came on here and blogged.  And the reason that I haven't in a few days isn't because I don't have anything to say -- it's because I have so much.  And while for the most part I have no problem saying anything -- and putting anything I say out there -- one of the side affects of eating raw is that you change.

And it will sound crazy to the general populace.  So I haven't been all that anxious to go there, but really the reason I started this blog was to write.  And writing is my therapy, it always has been.  I should also mention that while I have kept diaries for years, they are usually filled with daily doings and the weather.  But I started my raw journey with a journal and I am filling those pages with my feelings.  And things that inspire me.

Like this comment I came across:

Paint your life BIG so people will see.

Now, 19 days ago (pre-raw) or PR, I would have thought something along the lines of "nice comment," and moved on.  But in my raw state (R-s) that just speaks volumes to me.  Volumes I'm telling you!

I've always had the inclination to paint my life big.  Things happen in my life and if there's nothing happening, then I make something happen.  I don't need and crave this -- in fact, I can go for weeks and weeks without even seeing a lot of people or doing anything at all.  But those times are just as big as the other times.

As for "so people will see," I think that goes hand-in-hand with not caring what other people think of you -- so you are given a freedom to do whatever the hell you want.  And if you want to blog crazy things because that is where you are at at the time, then you do it.  Because why not!  Life is fluid, blogs are too.  I can go back and read entries and think "man, you were losing it there."  And I read some and think "wow, that was inspired."  But I can also see that there is no stagnation ... there are ruts, absolutely! ... but I think that maintaining a blog is a cool thing, an interesting archive of time.

It's a lot of work -- and a certain sense of pressure!  But sometimes you have to dig a little deeper and pull something out of the hat -- just for the sake of saying something.  So while I am probably not going to do a self-portrait a day next year, I am definitely going to continue my blogging practice.  Even if I talk about scary, crazy things like how I watched the dogs the other day for an inordinately large amount of time ... watched how they listened and reacted to different sounds, scents in the air.  So then I tried it too.  I just sat there and listened and sniffed.  So many sounds.  So many smells.

It's kinda relaxing, a dog's life is.  Though when the car drove into the driveway, I did not feel compelled to go nutso and start barking and chasing it and spinning around in circles.  I mean, how uncool is that?

So that's really all there is for now.  I am in a pause ... big things shifted in my psyche and now I just have to get used to that.

I was making a cooked lasagna for a dinner party the other night while simultaneously preparing a raw lasagna.  I was assembling the cooked one when I got some of the sauce on my hand.  I had been looking into the pot a little longingly when I was making the sauce ... and when I added the meat, it looked so appealing.  It was bubbling and it smelled good and I had just put in the herbs ... and I realized that it was the time that I would normally taste it.  But I didn't want to go there.  I didn't even want to open the door.

So when it splashed on my hand, I washed it off.  And I realized that my personality HAS to go to these extremes -- it's the way I am.  I HAVE to swear off cooked food one million percent, and then I can work my way back to a new normal.  Because if I open the door just a smidge and say "oh, this is okay," and "that is okay," then all of a sudden there will be a whole lot of okay going on.  And it's NOT okay!

I can even hold a dinner party and eat raw!  To look at everything as possibility.

To paint your life BIG so that will people will see ...

What to do, what to do ... the world's ugliest food processor!

Oooooooooh I have been "uncooking" for hours.  Somehow I have found myself caught up in re-creating cooked foods, and I am thinking this is not the path I want to go down!

For one thing, there is too much focus on food itself.  My dehydrator arrived yesterday and the first thing I did was make onion "bread," which is STILL in the dehydrator as we speak.  It has been in there since yesterday afternoon.  Let me tell you this -- it is painful and TORTUROUS to smell that -- it is incredible how strong it is.  I woke up this morning and was like WOWSA.  It's supposed to turn into like a cracker, but I don't see that happening!  It said it only had to be in for 4-6 hours ... like, ten times that!

I also made onion bagels and "chicken nuggets" today, all in the dehydrator for the next few days if that flat onion bread is any indicator of how long things take!  I'm not even a huge fan of chicken nuggets in real life (so to speak!) but they sounded good the other day when I was making my shopping list STARVING.

I know better than that -- to make a list while starving!  I am starving now because I have been so busy making things for the future, I haven't taken time to feed myself now.  I know, I know, it's all bizarre.  I am waiting for the lightbulb to go off ... the one thing that is going to be like THIS is where I am going with this!  Right now I am just frustrated, and I can't hold a class until I am sure I can present something of value.

The truth of the matter is, this is a very expensive and time-consuming venture.  I may have just taken a wrong turn (in making such complex meals) and just need to find my way back to salads, juices and smoothies.  But this is me -- I accept that.  I go overboard -- waaaaaaay overboard -- and yet, it's kind of fun, all the experimenting!

But I know without a shadow of a doubt that there are very few people who would want to invest the time and energy I have the past few days into preparing these meals.  Do I enjoy it enough to do it on a grander scale?  Do I want to open up a venue where people can come buy food?  I just don't know!!!!

I guess the first thing to do is schedule a class and see what happens from there.  I have no idea what type of response I would get -- all I know are people who are not interested in this type of thing (for the most part) so it's very hard to say.

And then there is equipment.  Will people automatically be discouraged from doing it because they don't have the right stuff?

Now me, I just go out and buy it.  But it is all expensive and I understand most people wouldn't make that type of commitment at the start.  I didn't even buy a dehydrator the first time I attempted raw, because I bought the really pricey blender instead.

My Cuisinart food processor is old and well-used and today while I was making something all the water I had just poured in seeped out through a multitude of tiny, hairline cracks that surround the bowl.  I got out a bunch of towels, poured in more water and put it on, and wondered briefly if I would electrocute myself.

It made such a mess that I went online and looked up food processors.  And there was the Cuisinart that I had completely the same -- not one thing changed in over 20 years!) and I thought, well, the base of this thing is perfectly fine, I'm not going to buy a whole new bottom .  This is so not me -- normally I will push the button -- but instead I got out duct tape and taped up the holes!  HAHAHAHA.  I have no idea if this will actually work, but now I have the UGLIEST food processor in the world!  Which makes it all that more appealing to me!

So I will have a class and someone will start talking about equipment, and I will have before me a beat-up old food processor that looks like hell and I can shrug and say you really don't have to go all out!  Yeah, I think that is the key!

I really do enjoy cooking.  I have to think about this.

OMG is right!

I drove by a handwritten sign today after dropping Maddie off at school and it said something along the lines of Hey Kids, you can be anything you want to be in the United States of America.

That's what I'm talking about!  The type of emotion and gut-wrenching hope that inspires someone to find a piece of cardboard, write that, then go stake it out in their lawn on the morning after.

The morning after we went from the potential dark depths of hell to a brand new beginning.

Yeah, I think it is that serious.  Someone said on TV that Obama spoke to the consciousness of people last night.  And that is exactly what happened.  This is a unifying moment that I will never forget.  I will never forget how it felt to witness the goodness in people.  What a difference the McCain crowd was -- all white.  White White White everywhere, faces, hair ... a sea of white.

The Obama rally was a sight to see.  Black babies squirming in their mother's arms, every age of American stretched from one end of the park to the other ... all together ... all as one.  It was so cool to know I had a daughter in that crowd -- a young person who cared enough to be there. 

It was a very small percentage of the black vote that put Obama in office.  The majority was white.  Why is this important?  Because it is.  Because it means that a really large percentage of us have moved beyond color and race and are seeing the person.

This is evolution.

Hallie!  Tell us what it was like to be there last night.

OMG!  President Obama.  If you don't look behind, you can almost forget the burning Bush.

************************

Following are Hallie's comments about being at the rally in Grant Park, Chicago, Nov. 4, 2008:

So that was probably one of the coolest things I have ever experienced! We made it to where we wanted approximately one minute before they started counting down the closing of the west coast polls and then the projection came on that Obama was president and people went nuts! People were crying and laughing and screaming, it was just so incredible to be surrounded by all these people who wanted Obama to be president so badly. I have to say it was probably the first time I have ever been so proud to be an American. Being with a crowd who was willing to look past the fact of how horrible our economy and everything is and to put all of this good energy towards this one person.

And the crowd just in itself was amazing! I mean there was no pushing, shoving, anger or anything. Everywhere you looked there were these huge beaming smiles. And even when McCain spoke, the crowd got quiet and respectful and listened to what he had to say. The only harsh remarks I heard were when he thanked Palin, haha but that is to be expected. I truly hope that this rally is a sign of how people will act for the next four years, with compassion and respect.

His speech was very eloquent and calm, kept the entire crowd fired up, but not to a ridiculous point. He is an amazing speaker. It was so nice to see him with his family and Biden’s family. And the comment about the puppy made him feel so real! There was laughter and then a collective sigh from the whole crowd when he said that. I feel like that was the point where everyone just felt 100% confirmed that they had made the right choice.

So you say 125,000 ppl were there? I have no idea how many actually were but it was just people everywhere you looked. And walking out they had shut down Michigan Ave for awhile so most people walked up that and the side streets going off of it were packed and people were still yelling and making noise. People had lined the streets and were taking pictures. It was amazing. We prob left at like 11:45 or so and I didn’t get home till 1. We ended up walking most of the way! 

You didn't have to be there, to be there

I just want to write about this because it's worth remembering.

Obama spoke to 125,000 people in Grant Park in Chicago.  You could have heard a pin drop.  At no time did the crowd overtake what has turned into an almost solemn awe of what has happened tonight.

Because it was (is) awe-some.  Obama was incredibly calm and he threw that out into the crowd and I thought, wow, if he took on a different vibe, think of how that just wouldn't work in that throng of people -- it would have been bedlam.  He has that kind of aura, if you will.  While he spoke, people everywhere stood silent, tears streaming down their cheeks, and they listened.  In Times Square people stood silent and gazed up at the screen.  Blogs across America went silent as people listened.  And it wasn't even so much what he said, it was that he was there projecting his vision of hope and a dose of reality in the fact that things suck right now, but that's okay.  No false promises.

And I sat there, in my living room, and sobbed.  Like a big baby.  I didn't even realize it until my nose was running and I was blubbering ... but I was mesmerized.  So many young people in the crowd, so many black people.  So many people full of hope.  It was so worth the fact that it is almost one in the morning to have felt it.

I am telling you -- there is so much hope out there right now, if only we could bottle it.  I hope we can hold onto it in the years to come, because we're so going to need it.  But we have a leader now, and just think.  We haven't had one IN EIGHT YEARS.  

Good night America.

We're going to be okay.

Why it is ...

Because he had a clear vision -- and he's worked towards the goal of being the President of the United States with no wavering.  Call him on his preacher, he just keeps trudging on.  Tell him he consorts with terrorists ... trudging on.  His grandmother approaches death, he goes to her, he tells her goodbye ... and continues to trudge on.

You can't wrestle with that kind of determination ... ahhh, that kind of INTENT.  He put himself in the White House many months ago.

And McCain listened to everyone but himself.  He lost himself along the way ... he became desperate, he picked up Palin.

It's a lesson to all of us -- decide what you want and then do it.  

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I can feel it (seriously)

I am all tingly and feeling the energy -- there is actually a shift in the universe -- I'm not kidding.  The hope that people are beginning to feel is coming through, like in waves.  There is NO WAY I am going to bed until this election is called, because I want to feel the surge -- because it's coming.  I can feel it in my bones.

I have been ignoring TV until now ... and I realize that some would say that it's still too early to call ... except that I know.  It's almost 10:00 ...   AND IT'S SO COOL!

OK, I have to go now and intend for Hallie and her cousins to get into the Obama rally in downtown Chicago.  

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Oh my

I went shopping today for food.  I wandered the aisles of the store wondering what I could get everyone else for food.  I had an extensive list for myself, but I don't know, what do they need?  I picked up some lunch meat and rolls, some spaghetti noodles and sauce and a loaf of french bread as well as some turkey burgers.

No one here is going to cook fish.

No one here is going to cook much of anything!

So what do I get them?

Ya got me.

But **I** filled my cart with produce and fruits and nuts, ohyesIdidboyohboy.  I have NEVER spent as much at the supermarket at one time than I did today.  Like, I should have had filet mignon and lobster in that tab -- but no.  I had nuts.  And vegetables.  What type of world do we live in where basic food costs a fricking fortune?

But I am letting that go for now ... I can't get bogged down in cost.  But as I was driving home I was thinking, "can I really eat six pieces of zucchini this week?"  Five avocados?  A bag of apples, a bag of kiwi's -- pears, tangelos, grapes, bananas???  Four heads of lettuce, a head of broccoli, celery, red peppers, orange peppers, 8 lemons, collard leaves and a partridge in a pear tree?

Oh come on now, that last one is meat.  I might eat the tree though!  :)

And the nuts!  I must have bought about 20 pounds of various nuts and grains.  Talk about nuts.  I know.

I am.

I watched everyone put their stuff on the counter, and I thought, hmmm, interesting.   I did not think I wanted to eat any of it -- but still.  It is interesting to think that most of the world eats a certain way, and now I do not.

So I just prepared my dinner -- which is a pasta with a cream sauce and parmesan cheese (all nuts) and Charlie made their dinner -- he made a spaghetti sauce and garlic bread.

So, all I've been hearing is that there are a record number of people voting this time around.  I bet that some of those people were the ones who didn't bother last time, but know in their hearts that their vote would have made a difference.  There is already screaming and yelling about fraud and broken machines (and if there is a problem with screwed up chads, I am moving, I swear, OUTTA here!)

Landslide, baby.  That's what we're headed for.  I don't think it is going to be a close race.  

You heard it here.  

Time for change.